pansdisease, you really sound like you arent feeling well. I have been there, I know I am always talking about recovery, but I was eerily similar to you at this time just a year ago. Just keep in mind that life is always worth living. I was an escapist when I was at my worst, and to be totally honest, it worked for me. Be a level 77 warlock or something, I used to play tons of online games and watch movies and anime to take my mind to other worlds that werent nearly as dark as the one I lived in.
I truly suggest escapism and mercilessly trying all of the medications out there. I attempted suicide once, believe it or not. I used to burn myself with cigarettes and I got injured from lifting too heavy of weights multiple times whilst psychotic. I would also box until my knuckles were bloody, I wouldnt wear gloves because I enjoyed having raw knuckles.
My evaluator said that what I was doing was the equivalent of what females in distress do; cut themselves with razors. Psychologists call people who cut themselves “sergeants” because of the similarity of the scar patterns and the sergeant insignia, my evaluator told me this, he said that they call them this because they hurt themselves and not others and it’s honorable to bear the burden of psychological distress instead of taking out frustrations on others.
do you see a psychiatrist regularly? What meds are you taking currently? I just wanna help you, you sound like you are very distressed.