I'm Only Staying Alive For My Kids

I have been delaying posting about this for an eternity, mostly because I don’t want to complain and the other reason is I don’t feel like reading the mod recommendation to call the suicide line.

I truly am only around for my kids and I guess for the rest of my family. I have been wasted like half of the week (without kids around, they are with the ex-wife for who knows how long til corona fades) off of liquor and maybe I am done being drunk. I have been stressed as ever because I am not working or technically working from home but it’s not much and I can’t cope with my own thoughts.

I feel like it’s all pointless and that all there is is suffering and loneliness that can never be filled. I am happy when I speak with or am with my kids, I feel like everything is downhill from here and I have been depressed for a long time now and I don’t think it is lifting.

How the hell do you guys cope with life? I have such a hard time with enjoying hobbies, having conversation, having memory issues and just trying to be normal which I don’t think is possible.

I don’t know if I can cut it with my job either, I feel like I am going to stress out so bad with it. I just can’t end it though but part of me wants to not be alive so bad, it’s just really hard.

I don’t know what I expect from anyone here, just me uselessly complaining because I know some people feel like this. I don’t know if I can keep up the act, I think I’m going to crack.

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You may be right but I think my invega causes alot of this.

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I am on 3 mg Vraylar and before that Abilify worked wonders for my voices.

Sounds more like depression than negative symptoms. Talk with your psychiatrist about it and he will prescribe you an antidepressant.

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I’m on max dose of Wellbutrin and react negatively to SSRIs.

There is no other antidepressant? TMS and ECT are effective for treatment-resistant depression.

TMS is less invasive and has less sids effects.

Those both scare me unless the one is the magnet, I don’t want shocked though.

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Thanks I may look into it more.

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I would recommend applying for disability. To make things less stressful on you. I’m sure life is difficult to cope with for most schizophrenics. You are not alone.

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+1 Take a break from work to reduce stress and depression.

I am afraid that would push me over the line being more unoccupied, I feel like I have to have something to do even though I am damaged goods. A break from work may help I don’t know.

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Thanks for the replies guys.

Most people on here can empathize and relate I think.
Most of us go through periods of depression, darkness, feeling hopeless, suffering, feeling it’s all pointless. When you have schizophrenia those feelings are par for the course. And unfortunately a lot of us have abused substances. I got clean in 1990 so I escaped that trap; but just barely.

You make being there “just for the kids” sound like a bad thing. It’s a great goal and purpose in life to be there for the kids.

Like I said, many of us have been through similar feelings, but a lot of us make it through and things get better. It’s almost inevitable that things get better. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but it’s there. I’ve been through suffering and hopelessness and suicidal feelings, in fact when I was younger that’s literally how I felt every day for a couple of years. I saw no end in sight to my suffering.

I’m not superman or some gifted, strong, worldly, genius. I’m just an average looking, shy, quiet bloke, but with a lot of help I made it through those times. I got put on medication in my twenties in the hospital. I shuffled up to the nurses station in the hospital every night for 8 months and dutifully got in line for my little cup of orange juice and liquid prolixen and gulped it down, grabbed a half of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich they set out for snacks at night and shuffled off down the darkened hallways to my room.

When I got out finally, I kept taking my medication religiously and I got a psychiatrist and lo andf behold, I started to get stable. There’s more to the story but being locked up for 8 months with 80 fellow patients sounds pretty hopeless right? It was intense suffering.

Well, today I went to work. I’m a janitor and due to the corona virus our crew is about the only people in the office building. I love it. But before this corona thing all started I was happily talking to office workers and my co-workers. I just finished getting a B in my class. I get along fine with my housemate. Not perfect, but fine. I have a nice car and apartment. I am rarely suicidal. But my life now is the “light at the end of the tunnel” that was impossible to see in my suffering in my twenties. With lots of help, lots of hard work, and lots of luck things got dramatically better.

My story is why people should stick around. You can’t predict the future, things can change on a dime at any time. Both good and bad. An AA saying comes to mind, “Don’t quit ten minutes before the miracle happens.” So true in many peoples lives. You can get better and make it through these tough times. Many schizophrenics before you have done it and many schizophrenics after you will do it. It helps to be smart about it. You know that drinking to escape is not a good coping mechanism. It can only lead to something bad. Just take your medication as prescribed, see the shrink, don’t drink and endure, endure, endure. We all go through bad times but do the right things for your recovery and things will fall into place. I hope you get something, anything from this.

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@brandotron

I had no idea that you’ve been struggling so much. I’m here, hon. Being passive about living is a hard thing to get through.

I don’t have children, but I remember being suicidal. You ARE loved and cared for. We’re all having difficulty dealing with the Corona virus. Just don’t let it be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’m here. Hell. We’re all here. How can I help? :hugs:

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Your kids are a pretty damn good reason to stay alive. I don’t know what else to say.

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Things you need to do: (and in this order)

  1. Stop drinking
  2. Get more exercise
  3. Start seeing a therapist and tell her what you told us.
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What about SNRIs? I can’t handle SSRIs, but do really well with cymbalta.

I think your Wellbutrin isn’t working, though. And if you’re suicidal while on the max dose, maybe it’s even making things worse. I also responded really poorly to invega, so I agree it could also be that.

All that to say, I think going in for a broad med change may be in order.

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But, also, I’m glad you have something to look forward to and that’s keeping you here. I pull through a lot of shitty times because of my daughter and I honestly don’t think I’d still be fighting if it weren’t for her.

Got to Skype with my kids today and it helped, I also walked like 6 miles which is pointless but everyone always talks about it like it does something. It killed time but never changes my mood.

I’ve been taking my meds, I wish I could be put on a strong tranquilizer but I think I am tolerant to pretty much everything. I paced around alot today but I did have an idea to listen to some audiobooks, never done it before but I can’t read as well as I used to and it is bound to kill some time.

Just checking in I guess, and yeah I am sick of the coronavirus.

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I have also been through times where the only thing keeping me going was knowing that my family depended on me. Sometimes that is all you have for a while. I had no hope things would ever get better. They did, though. Not all at once, but I remember being very surprised the first time I said “nah, that sounds too dangerous for me.” I had always been a thrill seeker, because I didnt care if I died. The first time I actually didnt want to do something because it was reckless and could kill me, I knew I had turned a corner.

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