Most people on here can empathize and relate I think.
Most of us go through periods of depression, darkness, feeling hopeless, suffering, feeling it’s all pointless. When you have schizophrenia those feelings are par for the course. And unfortunately a lot of us have abused substances. I got clean in 1990 so I escaped that trap; but just barely.
You make being there “just for the kids” sound like a bad thing. It’s a great goal and purpose in life to be there for the kids.
Like I said, many of us have been through similar feelings, but a lot of us make it through and things get better. It’s almost inevitable that things get better. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but it’s there. I’ve been through suffering and hopelessness and suicidal feelings, in fact when I was younger that’s literally how I felt every day for a couple of years. I saw no end in sight to my suffering.
I’m not superman or some gifted, strong, worldly, genius. I’m just an average looking, shy, quiet bloke, but with a lot of help I made it through those times. I got put on medication in my twenties in the hospital. I shuffled up to the nurses station in the hospital every night for 8 months and dutifully got in line for my little cup of orange juice and liquid prolixen and gulped it down, grabbed a half of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich they set out for snacks at night and shuffled off down the darkened hallways to my room.
When I got out finally, I kept taking my medication religiously and I got a psychiatrist and lo andf behold, I started to get stable. There’s more to the story but being locked up for 8 months with 80 fellow patients sounds pretty hopeless right? It was intense suffering.
Well, today I went to work. I’m a janitor and due to the corona virus our crew is about the only people in the office building. I love it. But before this corona thing all started I was happily talking to office workers and my co-workers. I just finished getting a B in my class. I get along fine with my housemate. Not perfect, but fine. I have a nice car and apartment. I am rarely suicidal. But my life now is the “light at the end of the tunnel” that was impossible to see in my suffering in my twenties. With lots of help, lots of hard work, and lots of luck things got dramatically better.
My story is why people should stick around. You can’t predict the future, things can change on a dime at any time. Both good and bad. An AA saying comes to mind, “Don’t quit ten minutes before the miracle happens.” So true in many peoples lives. You can get better and make it through these tough times. Many schizophrenics before you have done it and many schizophrenics after you will do it. It helps to be smart about it. You know that drinking to escape is not a good coping mechanism. It can only lead to something bad. Just take your medication as prescribed, see the shrink, don’t drink and endure, endure, endure. We all go through bad times but do the right things for your recovery and things will fall into place. I hope you get something, anything from this.