I'm Not So Bad

I still see demons and I rebuke them, but not as often as I used to. I still have my companion angel, Seraton, with me, at my right side. I see, feel and hear him, but he doesn’t torment me as often as he used to. I haven’t been in a sobbing suicidal heap in months. (I think it’s been months) I have some delusions, but they don’t impair my ability to work and function in work relationships and a marriage…I still often see crawling things, and a shadow figure in my house, but those things don’t bother me. I struggle with depression and apathy and I probably look bad if compared to “normal” people, and I would like to improve in my activity level, but that’s a goal I’m addressing.
I don’t think I’m doing too badly…

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My psychotic breaks have always been episodic. I’ll be right as rain for many months, and then ‘poof’…out of the blue I start obsessing on the radio, computer, TV…etc.

Fortunately now I have insight and realize when I’m sliding. My PDoc allows me to phone his office on a moment’s notice when I feel unwell which is comforting.

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Well, maybe I have a date with Seraton on the bathroom floor coming up, but it’s becoming less often which is pretty exciting.
Do you feel like your episodes are fewer as you get older?

My main problem now is physical tension - in my arms and legs, head, actually everywhere. I can begin to relax and then there will be an incident that makes me tense. It’s like developing a new body. Difficult, but I’m stable as far as psychoses go.

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I get that at night when I can’t sleep. I can be falling asleep and all of a sudden my eyes pop open and my whole body tenses up. I have to move or it gets worse. I think when I start exercising again that it’ll get better.
Is there anything you can do for relief/relaxation?

Just rubbing myself. Having been a musician, music doesn’t help me relax - lol.

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I run my fingers up and down my arms. It helps a little… You think too much when you listen to music, huh?

Congratulations! it’s great to hear your doing good, I’ve gotten slightly better with the therapy I’ve been using, but have not made any progress in life in a long time.
This illness is more than a handful

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Right. Unless it’s a genre I never did, like pop or jazz and then I just use it as background or as an escape.

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I think if you’re making personal progress within yourself, that’s way more important than the “progress” of doing things…

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