So last week I had session with my T and I remember absolutely nothing of it. The only thing I have is a long text message to her time stamped shortly after our appointment. It’s just me spouting nonsense about whether or not she understands what I say to her. Well she obviously never answered because it was nonsense but she brought it up at the beginning of this weeks session saying that the things I say to her sound like delusions and she’s worried that I’m getting worse. She doesn’t usually tell me what she thinks about what I say. At least not that directly.
After that I let my guard down a little for god knows what reasons but I talked more about the way that I think and for a second it clicked… I’m reaaaaaally not right.
I also don’t really care though. Anyways idk why I’m telling all of you this but as always this is just a rant. Feel free to comment if you want.
I’m contemplating on starting up again. I’ve had terrible experiences with all the meds I’ve either been forced to take or tried on my own. I get super suicidal on them. So I’m very cautious about when or where I’ll take them.
Usually if I don’t remember the content of what we talked about, I can remember what was on the coffee table or which shoes she wore… this time nothing🤷🏽♀️ Not sure what to make of that.
My T is very calm about almost everything so very rarely can I tell if she’s worried about me because usually she just responds in the same collected manner as always. I suppose that’s so I don’t become alarmed and change what I tell her based on her reaction.
I’m tempted to randomly ask her what she thinks about all of this in reguards to her plans for me. I feel like I need to know if she’s going to put me in the hospital. I’d fxckxng lose it if she surprised me with that shxt, but I have this looming feeling that it’s coming. Can’t tell if that’s a new delusion though because I feel like everyone is trying to put me back in the hospital.
In other words I’m worried that her way of getting me “help” is going to be putting me back in the hospital. I’m not ready for that.
I have a feeling that all of this also means I can no longer accurately judge my well being in comparison to those around me. I thought I’d be aware of when that would happen but it came on a lot less suddenly that I thought it would. Or maybe I can accurately judge and I’m just psyching myself out. Idk guys, my mind is a mess.
If the meds sometimes cause suicidal ideation for you, maybe the hospital is the best place to be to stabilize on them.
Usually I would say just get on meds. But because of the suicidal ideation it’s more complicated.
No one likes the hospital, but do you really think this is going to get better on its own without meds or hospital? Is this really something that can be talked out?
Usually when I have a span of not remembering things that intensely it means for me something is not right or some changes are coming. It may not be the case for you though.
I don’t think it will get better on its own and I don’t think it’s something that can be talked out. At least not in this society. But I also think I won’t live very long and don’t want to spend my last bit of time drugged up. I dunno.
Idk man, I just don’t believe in meds anymore. There are cultures out there that embrace people who hear voices, even uplift them, instead of trying to fill them up with medication. Those people are successful because their societies support them. Then there’s societies like mine that say if you hear voices then you’re fxcked. We don’t thrive in places like the US or the U.K. because our cultures don’t support us. They try to drug us and belittle us because they see illness, not difference. It’s sad really.
