I'm going to cut everyone in my life except family off. I'm sick of mental illness. I want it to end

It’s my 19th birthday today. I’m having visions of my own death. If I was going to kill myself I’d jump off the Golden Gate Bridge so there’s no chance of survival with me just ending up in the psych ward for the millionth time. I just sent an angry text to my best friend in the whole world, Jack (same name as me, isn’t that poignant and sweet) who I grew up with and love very much basically because I was lashing out at him because of heart break over my second best friend (Isabel) blocking me. I’m also going to cut out my therapist and doctor because they don’t truly understand what it’s like to have schizophrenia. I have discovered that I am truly incapable of having successful relationships or friendships. Believe it or not I lived as a Catholic monk for a little while at a small co-ed monastery in SF. I was so at peace and truly happy. Stable. But I guess I enjoy the chaos, so I left. I wanted to get married and be a father. An actual father, not just a priest. But recently my best friend told me I am probably unfit to be a husband and a father. That really hurt.

Once upon a time me and Jackson kissed each other, and I fell in love with him. He is bisexual, and he just kissed me because he was feeling shitty about his breakup. We later did MDMA together (spare me the lecture about drug use and schizophrenia, it literally cured my PTSD with no negative mental health effects, and I already know most drugs are dangerous to use when you have schizophrenia), and I wrote him a love letter while I was in San Francisco General. When we did MDMA, I read it to him. He cried. Said it was the most beautiful thing anyone ever said about him. He said my poetry was otherworldly, and I was a beautiful person. He told me he loved me so much. But said it couldn’t work out. I later found out he had gotten back together with his on again off again girlfriend, who is manipulative, codependent, and borderline abusive. People say MDMA is a love drug, but I actually felt like doing it with him solidified our platonic friendship, and I was able to accept that it wouldn’t work out.

Then I fell in love again with Isabel, who had dated Jackson for a while. We wrote poetry to each other. We wrote letters to each other and she would always put a “love” stamp on her letters. She said “I am an intensely selfish person, and I stick around with you because I want to.” She said in one of her poems: “As far as we are one person, we are someone you walk to the edge of the village to meet.” We talked for thirty minutes every day. But she said there was not even a small chance that she would ever love me. She is selfish I guess. Whenever I have crisis (which has happened twice in the course of our friendship, in February, and now), I ask her to call me, but she blocks me because she doesn’t want to deal with it. And that’s not her fault. But it hurts.

Today, we talked by text a little bit, she wished me happy birthday, I sent her a poem, and then I said I was going a little crazy and wanted to talk to her about angels, and she said: “If we fall out of touch, it’s my fault. It doesn’t have to be ‘about’ something.” And then she blocked me. I think this time it’s for good. So I’m going to cut them all out. The only two people who I can truly call my friend are this girl Isabel, and Jackson. The rest of my friends are literally assholes. Not even joking. They’re more acquaintances I hang out with because I don’t have anything better to do.

So I’ve realized I am not WORTHY to be loved, and in fact, I myself am incapable of love. I don’t know if I should go back to being a monk, but I know I’m probably going to kill myself. I am a broken person. I was broken by the abuse I endured as a child. I was broken by schizophrenia. And I want it to end. Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself any time soon, but because my two suicide attempts have been completely impulsive decisions, I know it’s going to come.

Call a sucide prevention number in your area or go to ER impulses are part of life and we do not have to act on them.


Your so young!

Most of my drama was just hanging in but didn’t get diagnosed till I was 29.

I wasted so much of my life just hanging in. Take the meds. They work for most and move from there.

If you get to 6 weeks and not working time to ask doctor about other avenues.

It sucks. Who cares who you kissed. That stuff becomes memories and you live and learn. It’s not something someone young should obsess about but it’s sz that makes you so.

Sort out the pills. Learn to use them to your advantage!


Dont let the depression get to you. As long as there is a future, we can always have hope for a better reality. Sz sucks but it also gives us a challenge to overcome. It’s mentally draining but it feels great when we get through the hellish fire of psychosis to the heavenly bliss at its end. The feelings will always be with us but we can learn to deal with them. And you have this forum for support. I am here for you. If you have any interest in digital art, I am also looking for a study buddy. :heart:



I am sorry you are suffering. You are young! Things can change for the better. Don’t think that at your age this is all life will have to offer. Your perspective will change and things will be easier to deal with as you mature and get older. Please reach out for help when you are suffering. There are many people who can help you.

Hang in there and best wishes…


@HulGil. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. Please call a crisis line or 911 if you think you might harm yourself.

I remember you mentioning in the past that you were going to stay with your grandfather and dad for a while. Were you able to do this? Are you there now or are you back in San Francisco?

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How are you spending the day?


Hi guys thanks for responding. Yes, I’m in Tennessee right now with my dad. My best friend messaged me back saying: “these feelings are completely normal after a heartbreak. Give yourself a day to cry, and then get on with your life. Take your medication, and you were way out of Isabel’s league anyway.” That made me feel so much better. And I can’t believe the birthday thread that was just AMAZING. I’m gonna be more active in this community and maybe help out some people who are newly diagnosed cuz you guys are just awesome. I feel a lot better today.


You need to hang around better people. Try volunteering someplace, you will find the salt of the earth there.


I’m so glad @HulGil!


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