I'm a sociopath 😞now

I was just in the drugstore and a very old and frail woman was in my way and I felt like knocking her over because she could not understand I needed to get past her. I have so much to lose and I’m scared. I’ve become so spiteful! I thought of things I could do to get better, so the monster doesn’t escape, but the real thing is it is wrong and I don’t know just how wrong it would be and I never feel guilty about yelling at my mom and the bad thing I did to get arrested two years ago. I have no conscience and lack the ability to see right from wrong. I have started getting out of the house and going to see my pdoc and therapist again so that will help and I’m keeping normal hours. I guess I just can’t relax and let my guard down. I’m so scared. It’s not all my fault. I’ll have to confide in my therapist, I’ve no choice, it won’t get me in trouble. I don’t know how to humble myself and talk to her. I’m so arrogant. I need to become vulnerable and not put on my armour of superior intellect. The enlightened mentally ill must be hell on therapists!

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Now you want to sit in a corner, facing the intersecting walls with ‘sociopath’ sign around your neck … Very Naughty Indeed!

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Yeah I’m not convinced you’re a sociopath. You already admitted being scared. You’re being vulnerable right now. You sound humble and introspective to me. Have a hug :open_hands:

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The fact that you feel guilty shows you are not a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t have the ability to reflect like you demonstrate. Everyone gets frustrated and has bad days, and people that are oblivious to their surroundings irritate me too.
I think you should stop being so harsh on yourself. Make next time just speak up in a calm way “excuse me”. But I don’t think you did anything wrong in feeling like this lady was in your way.

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A real sociopath would not feel guilty like you do.

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It sounds like you might be afraid of your own thoughts.
We get good and bad thoughts all the time. With mental illness we have a hard time filtering out the bad ones.

You sound like you are a good person if your afraid of the monstrous thoughts.

My mind is so dark I don’t detect any guilt problems in there. But then I had excessive guilt for many years.

That’s called irritability or anger. Imo it’s pretty normal to envision yourself doing things like that from time to time. If you act on them, that’s the real problem, or it can become a problem if you focus too much on the mental imagery and develop compulsions (ocd).

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You are showing remorse and guilt.
You are not a sociopath.

I remember that feel. Not your fault.

Doesn’t happen to me anymore though tbh. I killed my spirochete infection appreciably now my brain feels close to normal.

(1) It sounds like you were impatient, and a bit rude; this doesn’t sound like sociopathy.

(2) Perhaps, you have been treated unfairly by your mom, so you don’t feel guilty about yelling at her. This wouldn’t be too unusual, particularly if she yells at you, and doesn’t express remorse for it. (I know nothing about your relationship with your mother, but if it is bad, this wouldn’t surprise me.)

(3) Just talk to your therapist. Do what you need to make yourself more comfortable around her.

Sometimes you can start diagnosis your mental state and it makes you feel worse. Do the right thing!

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