I'm a huge burden by existing

I think your mother will be always stressed no matter what… at least from what I read from your post.

Try to remember what makes YOU happy. Like the time you got accepted to university. Or that time you finally got the harp you always wanted. Remember how much joy you felt?

I think those happy moments really matters. Try to hang on to it and work on developing them to the things you really value.

And maybe your mother seeing you trying would perhaps make her proud and happy

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If your mother is saying this… Wow. No one is guaranteed a perfect child or a perfectly healthy child. It’s certainly not the fault of the child if they are born with wonky genetics that lead to lifelong health issues. It falls on the parent to be supportive here. That is OUR responsibility. If you’re not willing to support your kid through thick and thin then you have no business being a parent.

I would say she has a better life by having a daughter. I’m sorry for you if she doesn’t see it that way, but I don’t think you need to feel guilt or take blame for it.

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I don’t remember ever feeling like I’m burdening my parents. My point is you’re not burdening them.

@laetitia …i hope youre feeling better today

In this comparison of you being a burden, do you have a understanding of how other families work?

I too have been a burden at times and I could see my parents were not pleased, although they never said anything. They just tried to carry on, pretending it was no big deal.

I think there are lots of similar stories on here if you asked around. Your situation is not unique at all, except it seems your parents don’t quite understand how to take care of you.

I think it would benefit you if you were able to talk with your parents somehow so you can get this troubled feeling of being a big burden off your shoulders. Maybe if you went to theraphy sessions…told the therapist how you feel, and then the therapist could talk to your parents about how you feel. Maybe that would be a good way to communicate. Just a suggestion.

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I recently asked my folks: ‘What do you want?’

It’s a powerful question.

Prevents people from having it both ways. I know this routine of your mother I think she loves you and also likes complaining … Maybe I’m out of bounds, maybe I’m projecting my own situation…

@laetitia , If I were you I would pose this question to her.

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I did ask her this question, and I didn’t get much of a response.

I know that she’s frustrated, but I know she loves me. It’s just very hard to understand what to think of her opinions really, because she constantly goes back and forth these modes. I find myself very conflicted and confused when she offers me love, and then says something in the lines of “How can I have a good life when my daughter is sick and is at home all day?”

I feel terrible most days because all I can think about is how everyone wants me to be cured and I can’t let that happen because I don’t know how.

Thank you for offering your kind words to me, I appreciate it very much. :heart:

Could you consider appropiating your emotions like an actuary?

What I mean is. Her feeling as though her life is not good, no matter what reason, is her responsibility. Whatever your own feelings about your own life are, those are yours to be responsible for.

You’re feeling burdened because you are both placing responsibility on you, instead of the problem, MI, and all associated emotions to it. She is not angry at you, but the circumstances, and her own inability to know what to do. Only, this gets lost in translation.

Allow her to feel what she does, because you cannot feel for her. What you can learn to do is to let go of the responsibility of how she feels. This is not to say her feelings are invalid, they are simply not yours to control.

You’re carrying too much which does not belong to you. This is the burden, not you.

But as a daughter I shouldn’t be torturing my mom because of my disability.

I’m seriously considering ending my life to make her less burdened.

Also I can’t deal with hearing her say that every day. It’s driving me crazy and I feel like I’m going to die from the guilt. I’ve been hearing this for a while now- everytime I confess something to her my mom says something similar. And I hear it when my brother does something bad as well.

It’s really making me so, so miserable. I don’t want to constantly hear this from her. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to hear her say that her life is miserable because of me, that her kids are the problem, etc. I just want her to be happy. I don’t really care about my feelings, really.

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You aren’t. Again, her emotions belong to her. There is nothing you are doing to intentionally cause her distress. It is the consequence of circumstance.

What would be adding to her turmoil is offing yourself. Then it would be your choosing. I know that’s not what you, or anyone, wants.

You’re reaching a point where you realize you can’t do anything about your situation to make it better. The only thing left to do is let go. The problems are going to exist regardless of what you do, otherwise they’d be fixed by now. You don’t know that that’s okay yet.

I can tell you feel deserving of the guilt. You don’t. You’re torturing yourself, because maybe you believe she will benefit from it, but that hasn’t happened. Your guilt is only exacerbating the problem.

I know you want her to be happy, but that isn’t up to you. No matter what you do for people, they will react to it independently. You need to stop holding yourself accountable for her unhappiness. If she cannot see that you are sincerely trying for her, that is her problem.

The only feelings you should be concerned with right now are your own. You are broken, and no one will know better than you at how to fix it. You are allowing your emotions to carry you, instead of scrutinizing them, and finding out why they exist.

The more you watch yourself, and how you react, the more control you have. You have to start questioning your emotions, instead of letting them take you away.

I used to be in a very similar place emotionally. I’m past it now, and this is how I got there. Take responsibility for yourself, but more importantly, recognize when you are taking on the emotional responsibility of others, and let it go.

I think you should try talking to her again about all of this.

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I’ll try again. Thank you for being here.

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