I'm 18 and my name is aaron!

hey! i’m aaron, an eighteen year old and i (no surprise) have schizophrenia. so i’m not sure what the direction of this post is just yet but let’s start with the simple stuff we’ve all heard before.
(ignore this first paragraph if you hate pointless backstory)
when i was 16 i was diagnosed with schizophrenia. initially it was just disorganized thought, then full psychotic episodes. i remember talking to myself a lot back then. february 26th i experienced a somewhat-fugue state where (TW) i lost control of my body/mind and climbed over a fourth story railing. i could have died and it scared me into taking action. i was diagnosed february 28th. i began on risperdal/risperdone, but it hardly helped at all. honestly i can’t remember those first few months, and the first year in general was a blur for the most part. i tested out of high school due to my mental health preventing me from learning anything, since i was having episodes and leaving every day that i even showed up.
my symptoms started typically schizophrenic. i never did hallucinate save for when i was falling asleep, which was when my hallucinations became vivid to the point of keeping me awake (or more-so suspended in a half-awake mind-state). i was and am in a constant state of dissociation, extreme to where it blends into psychosis. i’m not sure if any of you experience psychosis similarly but but for me it is like an extreme dissociation and the line between the two is often blurred. my most frequent symptom, a symptom i feel i’ve always lived with but has progressively gotten worse, is my disorganized thought. it is extreme. i find i have a lot of trouble forming sentences, connecting dots, recalling memories, and thinking in general. i think it’s funny how i try to be introspective, yet i cannot think deeply at all. it’s like there are bricks in my head, and trying to push them out of the way is a very grating process. my disorder is visual in how the world looks so hazy/cloudy, not in color but just in the way things are blended together. it’s hard to explain how i see things but i think the easiest way to put it is, life feels and looks like a dream.
and this is where i’m confused as to what is wrong with me. maybe i haven’t encountered enough schizophrenics but i haven’t really seen or met people with this symptom. the symptom that is the dreaming. my entire life, in every way, is a dream. in the way i recall memories, it’s like recalling dreams from the night before, how i visualize them and such. my absolute scariest symptom, which is fairly recent i’d say, is this jarring feeling like i’m going to wake up. like in a dream when you feel yourself about to wake, i experience this on the constant, while my eyes are open. it is so intense. even as i type this i feel like this isn’t real at all. this obviously fuels my delusions. my strongest delusion used to be that i was being watched by myself and others in the afterlife (something i could go more into detail if someone asks) but now there is something else. i feel like i’m, well, dreaming. so much. no matter where i am or what time it is, or how much mg of medication i’m on (i take zyprexa/olanzapine, and it does help with other symptoms), i feel so asleep. like maybe this isn’t my life and one day i’ll get so psychotic that i just, wake up. and i’ll be someone else in a different reality.
i guess that was where i was trying to go with this post. does anyone experience this? is this schizophrenia? or something else? my head is super cloudy and nothing seems defined. visually the world is a fog, and my memories are null. i can’t remember anything from the past two years for the most part, no exaggeration. only specific conversations and specific events. entire people are vanishing from my head. i can’t remember what i did yesterday, or over the weekend, let alone anything from two weeks ago or a month. and my thoughts… disorganized beyond understanding.
but this is where i will end on a higher note. i am trying my best to be happy. to be alive. instead of staying inside all day or letting it overcome me, i am trying so hard to live in the moment. considering i can’t remember anything, i see it as i live in the present. and if the present isn’t the greatest thing i can be observing, then why would i be alive at all? i can see how (TW) some people might see this as a reason to kill themselves but for me it is a motivation. i’m alive. and i will spend as many current moments as i can surrounded by people i love, and by experiences worth remembering (even if i can’t remember them anyway). i am trying to become a better person. i hate myself a lot, but that is more the reason to improve. i’m an ■■■■■■■. i’m a dumbass. i do and say things that make people uncomfortable or upset. i talk too much and i’m really really annoying. my personality is not one that people can be around for long, and i’m extremely manic in a toxic way. i hate myself. but i want to be someone better, and i will be. i can change myself and i will. i will be kind, i will be collected, i will be quieter, i will be calmer, i will be someone that eases people, someone that people can just talk to normally or be around. i will be the person i want to be.
schizophrenia won’t keep me from trying to make people happy. it won’t keep me from making myself happy. it’s too easy to just give up. for me, the mere idea of a good day someday is a reason to live through a bad day today.
i don’t know if it really is schizophrenia by itself. i really want to know if anyone else is dreaming like me, and if that is even a schizophrenic symptom.
i’m going to be posting a lot more here, i make poetry and music, and i love discussion, so i’d love to share myself and my experiences with you guys :)) thanks for listening to me, hope you guys all keep looking up

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Welcome to the forum. It’s dead around this time but check back tomorrow and you will meet some nice people.

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Nice to meet you
:slight_smile:

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Hello and welcome!!

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Hello, and welcome to the forum :slight_smile:

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hey welcome. Nice people. Good moderation. Not a bad place to learn some things from others who’ve been there…Your young! So much still to learn!

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hi, i’m not great on long posts but i read a little, welcome to the forum :slight_smile:

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@grayalien
I have to tell you that I hear a lot of myself in your description of introspection and in evaluating how you interact with other people vs. how you want to interact.
I felt very similar things about my social abilities and wanted very similar changes when I was 18 (or really, from about 15 to about 25, haha!). Being 31 now, I know beyond any doubt that if you hold onto that desire to be a calming, comfortable, helpful person, it will definitely happen. It takes a lot of practice, but you have your entire life to get good at it!

I think it’s important to point out that the post you put together reads well, is logically structured, and shows some serious ability to use introspection to relate your thoughts / perspective / feelings. You definitely aren’t dumb. I’d even go as far as to say you come across as very intelligent.

Regarding your symptoms,
I’m probably not the best person to address anyone’s symptoms. I do know that the first few years leading up to and following my brother’s diagnosis included lots of struggle with memory, social interaction, delusions to varying degrees, and worsening hallucinations. There are many different kinds of delusions. I won’t list them due to potential triggering, but I’m certain that talking to a doctor about it, or looking up research articles about the things you are experiencing might help to reassure you that these things are part of the disorder (seek legitimate journals by doctors, not hack conspiracy theories by joe schmoe). They are treatable and probably won’t last forever.

You are dealing with a hell of a lot of problems, I know.
But your efforts to care for your quality of life and to maintain social interaction are definitely worth while. I have seen how harmful isolation and refusing treatment is.
For a long time, I was afraid I’d never get to enjoy my brother’s own happiness and peace of mind again. That was a scary time, I’m sure it was much harder for him to experience. Fortunately, his personality is shining through and we often pal around just like we used to before his symptoms started. Talking to him, medication, his primary doctor, therapy were really important to regaining his sense of control as well as his positive view of the future. On top of all that, spending time with family, friends and our nieces and nephew help to keep him focused on the ‘here and now’. Just like you are doing for yourself. Keep doing that!

I was really inspired to respond to something you clearly invested so much thought and consideration into. You have heaps of empathy and intelligence to offer!
While you have challenges, you aren’t defeated as long as you keep trying.

Again, I apologise if my comments aren’t welcome. I accept admin action / heckling.

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Hi Aaron welcome here :slight_smile:

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Welcome to the community.

:hugs:

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Hi Aaron

hope you’re sticking with the meds

I know it’s hard to have deep thoughts on them
but you seem to be doing alright

except those awful dreams
maybe drink chamomile tea before bed

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welcome to the forum !!!

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Welcome Aaron. Nice to meet you. Hope you enjoy your time here.

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I got diagnosed with sz when i was eighteen. The first time i went to the pyhc ward was because i staryed hyperventilating at work. I thought i had to die to wake up. I thought i was in a dream or coma or something from when i had a motorcycle accident a year before. I lost my leg and at the point this happened,hyperventilating at work, i thought i might of died in the wreck or was in a coma somewhere. In the ambulance i kept asking the paramedics if i was going home. Not home home, but heaven, or a real reality or something. After that i lived in a delision for a year. I had pronia. Pronia is when you think the whole world is against you but the design of the universe is working for your good. I used to read a book by aristotle. My life was like a dream. It was the beautifull way the words and the text were in the book, it was like i could take the text out of the book and see it in my reality. It was beautiful, but ive also had nightmarish realitys, or hallucinations. One other thing, all the things your describing you want to be, those are your desires , and the way you really feel and think about things, thats your heart, the center of who you are. So, yoir already that person, you just need to draw it out. :v:

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Welcome to the forum Aaron. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Welcome Aaron. 15

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What’s up Aaron! My name is Alan and I’m 22 years old. I think time goes too quickly, I’m feeling old :frowning:

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what, honey, you’re life is just starting

maybe finish college

have babies

settle down

your teens were nothing, and high school

you’re at your prime

I didn’t reach mine til about age 34

I excreted flowers, I was in my prime sexually, women do that

my son used to gag

men are younger, but you still got it, don’t waste it

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thank you so much for your thoughtful response! it’s really great to know i’m not alone, and your kind words mean a lot :)) sometimes the simplest reassurances go a long long way. i’d love to hear your story whether it be here or in inbox, though you don’t have to share if you don’t want!

Isn’t it weird how the aliens in your avatar look like mushrooms

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