Ever seen the show “Mythbusters”?
Well, a year ago, I had some experiences- off medication- with a 5-HTP supplement that were wonderful experiences. I came up with a whole story, how that was the fix for most of what was wrong with me all my life. I even made up a story about how there was something wrong with my system when I was born, and that my system didn’t produce any serotonin on it’s own. Seemed to make sense at the time. I labored under this delusion for a year afterward. 5-HTP seemed to have no effect. I bought serotonin online at quite a cost. I even decided to go to college, to hopefully learn how to make my own serotonin! Really?
Well, I’ve had two tests. One, a neurotransmitter level test. The other, a test for all the genetic markers for serotonin production/metabolism. No abnormalities were found on the second test. I did learn something
Oops. Wrong key! Something new that I did not know. I had elevated norepinephrine, I never would have known that. But all the serotonin myths have now been busted for me. I chased that rainbow for a year, believing that that substance was the solution to many problems. I have many deep-seated problems going deep into childhood, that I will never find a true explanation for. To believe that any magic formula is the solution to all those problems was folly, and it cost me 1800 American to find that out. How sad! So foolish. I can’t help that my mind created those experiences. I did not expect that. I’m not as good as I think I am, apparently. I fell for the sham.
Anyhoo, I came crashing down. There never was any hope, the bullspit rainbow I’d been chasing. Things will only be what they are right now. Better days, when my mind is playing fewer games with me. Then, yesterday my mind flared up with many voices, today I realized that I was not experiencing the effects from alcohol many times, I had reverse-placebo effect with medications, alcohol, and those fake serotonin- related experiences. How far is this dratted illness going to go? This is absurd. I can’t believe that I believed it for so long, that those experiences last year were real. It was just a sham. I could use “Mythbusters” on the case for me, busting all this bullspit for me. Sorry this is so disorganized. Having a bad day. But I feel I did well in school, and on an exam today. Yeah, I’ll get up tomorrow inspite of my ultimate devastation, which I just have to accept this time, and go to class. Then, get up on Friday, and go to work, until there consistently seems to be no point to any of this.
I think we have all gone through this. You go through all kind of stages until acceptance has been found. What is funny is that once you get there, things seem to get better! Truth!
I’m actually kind of fearful because my symptoms have practically vanished and it’s been since 2008, I always wanted the torture to stop you know? Now I don’t know how to live life normally, like my mode of thinking has been permanently changed. Wishing I knew what was real…
Thanks. My confidence in myself is seriously damaged right now. I realized today that the experience last fall, and the resulting belief system was psychosis. I fell for a second psychosis, I can’t believe that. How can I ever trust myself again? Probably can’t. Sad part is, I even recognized some warning signs at the beginning. I was exhibiting the exact same behaviours as at the beginning of my first psychosis. I even warned myself, I was too carried away to listen. I hope I don’t repeat the same mistakes.
I got up and started another day. That system of delusions was central to everything I was doing. I feel completely empty. Purposeless. Just going through the motions, and it doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t think I ought to quit college just now, but I’m just going through the motions. Nothing that is based in reality ever lights a fire under me. Is there a real, attainable goal that I can find to shoot for? (Rhetorical question) I’m just lost. What am I going to do with an associate’s degree? I don’t think I can handle a major career change. I wanted to become a psychologist, but even if I succeed in all it takes to graduate with a 4-year degree, how would I pay for graduate school? So, I’m without a goal. I’m going to go into a depression now, there is no avoiding it. I don’t believe in antidepressants, most of the time they don’t work anyway. Everything seems empty, hollow, and meaningless. I don’t think it’s going to get better, but I’m ready to keep facing the truth. Last night, I got drunk and held my razor knife in my hand. Pretty soon, there is likely to be a suicide attempt. I really don’t want to live. Doesn’t seem to be a point. My mind is going to keep messing with me, the store I work for has hardly any business, and there is no magical hope for a better future. I hope I die in my sleep tonight, but I won’t be that lucky.
I use the word “corrupt” or corruption in reference to what I call corruption of the senses, or any other false perceptions. Not corrupt as in lacking morals, or of bad character. I hope I explained in an understandable fashion. Classic example of what I mean by corruption of the senses: hearing human voices that are not real, smelling coffee without there being any coffee. Perhaps corruption is not the right word.
No it sounds exactly right to me now man…we all have some problems here ya know? Lately I’ve felt my schizophrenia is real, and it’s really freaking me out…
Yeah, a lot of stuff has freaked me out! Frightening tactile hallucinations- I allowed myself to believe for a while that they were real, but even knowing that they’re not real, they startle me. Living in a world where anything is possible is scary. My mind has created things that I can’t believe! I got into the next chapter of non-reality- a neurological non-reality. That is scary, too. Feeling drunk when I haven’t had any alcohol. Taking 5mg of Ativan in one day, and not being able to feel the effects of it at all. The phony serotonin experience. What’s next? Good lord, it’s hard not to be scared of this thing, but being afraid of it makes it worse. The fear feeds back through my mind to manifest as frightening hallucinations, it’s like a vicious cycle. So, I fight like hell to keep my calm, and not be afraid. Sometimes when I get scared, I make voices for myself to hear on purpose. As long as I’m in control of it, it comforts me, even though they’re not real.
I’m having some serious mood swings the past two days! One minute, I’m hopelessly depressed and suicidal, the next I’m almost elated. What the heck? Maybe I can make my goal pursuing stability without stacking meds, which I still don’t agree with or approve of. Stability has been elusive the past year after the psychosis. I hope I find it! On my own terms.