I’ve been thinking maybe I wish I didn’t exist.
I had a very bad night tonight and I was ranting to Azriel about it (my guardian angel) and he’s just patiently listening because he’s amazing. (The others-my helper voices-are very kind but sometimes they don’t know when to just be quiet and let me rant, he does)
So anyways I’m ranting and then I pause and as I’m sitting there crying and raging and other childish things the devil decides he’s going to start talking to me because I was thinking about suicide.
“They’ll just bring you back again you know. Again and again until you do what they want” -meaning God and the rest-
The idea of that was very upsetting to me.
“Do you see? You will always be a slave. His or mine, pick your poison. Would you rather spend all eternity babysitting a bunch of ungrateful primates for them or spend an eternity getting f****d and fighting for me?”
And then I said well that’s silly, obviously the babysitting is preferable to that
And then he says, and I can feel the eyebrow raise, “Is it really?”
And I started getting very overwhelmed because I didn’t know. And then I realized he was making an eternity being on God’s side sound insufferable so that I would go to him, he was trying to make my options so horrible that I wouldn’t care either way I went and I KNEW I wasn’t supposed to listen to him because EVERY TIME I talk with him he confuses my head and everything I believe like this, so I shut him out again.
And then I thought well I don’t want to be a slave anymore. To love, to morals, to mankind, or to God. But I also don’t want to be bound to hate, basic instinct, rage, etc. and then Azriel says, and he meant it as a way to lead me away from that thought track “Well that would mean not existing at all”
And then I said to him well maybe what I want is not to exist at all then. He says he doesn’t think that’s what I want at all but I just don’t know anymore. I’m so tired of being chained to a million different things. I just want to be free.