I wish, I wish

I’ve been thinking maybe I wish I didn’t exist.

I had a very bad night tonight and I was ranting to Azriel about it (my guardian angel) and he’s just patiently listening because he’s amazing. (The others-my helper voices-are very kind but sometimes they don’t know when to just be quiet and let me rant, he does)

So anyways I’m ranting and then I pause and as I’m sitting there crying and raging and other childish things the devil decides he’s going to start talking to me because I was thinking about suicide.

“They’ll just bring you back again you know. Again and again until you do what they want” -meaning God and the rest-

The idea of that was very upsetting to me.

“Do you see? You will always be a slave. His or mine, pick your poison. Would you rather spend all eternity babysitting a bunch of ungrateful primates for them or spend an eternity getting f****d and fighting for me?”

And then I said well that’s silly, obviously the babysitting is preferable to that

And then he says, and I can feel the eyebrow raise, “Is it really?”

And I started getting very overwhelmed because I didn’t know. And then I realized he was making an eternity being on God’s side sound insufferable so that I would go to him, he was trying to make my options so horrible that I wouldn’t care either way I went and I KNEW I wasn’t supposed to listen to him because EVERY TIME I talk with him he confuses my head and everything I believe like this, so I shut him out again.

And then I thought well I don’t want to be a slave anymore. To love, to morals, to mankind, or to God. But I also don’t want to be bound to hate, basic instinct, rage, etc. and then Azriel says, and he meant it as a way to lead me away from that thought track “Well that would mean not existing at all”

And then I said to him well maybe what I want is not to exist at all then. He says he doesn’t think that’s what I want at all but I just don’t know anymore. I’m so tired of being chained to a million different things. I just want to be free.

Sometimes I feel like I wish I was never born.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride:
If turnips were watches, I’d wear one by my side,:
If, If’s and And’s were pots and pans, there would be no need for tinkers

:- English language proverb and nursery rhyme.

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You know why? Because other people make you feel like you wish you had never been born. I say, “Screw em”.

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I’m sorry to see you suffer… but I think your doing very well coping with everything give the circumstances of your last doc. There are others… (other forms of me) who get in the way of a “man in the mirror” conversation.

Sometimes it forces me to be a bit more introspective.

How have you been getting on with the new doc?

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Haven’t found new pdoc yet. I don’t see my new therapist until mid may. (Which I was fine with because I don’t have time to go in soon anyways, with finals coming up)

I am just so highly overwhelmed right now. I have so, so much on my plate and I came home this weekend and my family has been wanting to spend every minute with me and making me feel guilty if I turn them down for work. I have finals in 2 weeks and so many things due. I haven’t sleep well in over a week which is why I think my symptoms have been so bad.

I was having a melt down and then I went to the store and some song “One step at a time” was playing and I felt Azriel put his hand on my shoulder and I felt better. I should be taking things out one by one. I’m just going a bit crazy at the moment.

I was talking more with Azriel as I left the store and I was thinking more about not existing and then I told him “But I like existing. I just don’t like feeling terrible all the time.” And then he said “You can’t exist and never have any negative experiences, love.”
And I said “Well I don’t mind sometimes feeling terrible, but I feel terrible ALL the time and only feel ok and happy briefly on occasion. I just want to be ok or happy normally and only feel terrible when something terrible happens”
And he said “I think that’s fair.” And then I got busy with other things so the conversation ended.

Hope you feel better and get some rest Ana

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I find the frustrating part of my condition to be the drowsiness of my medications. It means I can’t work. On top of that I’m a highly sensitive introvert. Extroverts have it easy that way in that once they make up their minds, they go ahead and do things. Music, movies and occasional video game playing help to lighten the mood, but it seems the only thing I put the most effort into is volunteering. Lately, it’s just hard to put a solid effort into working in and around the house, although my mother is rather obsessed with it. I just want and need to grow up.

My energy levels are slightly above 0 at any time during the day and I’m not even medicated currently. I’d hate to think of what my energy would be like on meds.

My parents used to be more obsessed with making me do stuff around the house and called me lazy for sleeping the day away. After they realized that I isolated myself for a reason (I started breaking down a lot in front of them) they started to understand and leave me alone. Sometimes it helps to show a little bit of what you’re hiding, to let them know you aren’t just lazy, you’ve got a lot to deal with.

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That is so true.

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That’s a very true statement. There is suffering in life… all life… but there is also some great stuff too.

I hope some of the good stuff presents it’s self to you soon.

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