So here I am. Five antipsychotics tried and my mind is still in shambles. Outwardly, if you didn’t know what i was going through, you’d think my life was great. I’m intelligent, good looking, from a wealthier family and I have an amazing, wonderful girlfriend. However, I am very delusional. I have delusions of reference 24/7 and they make my life a living hell. It’s hard being healthy enough to know you’re batshit crazy yet not being healthy enough not be batshit crazy.
I’ve also had many other delusional thoughts but the worst is the idea that God wants me to kill my girlfriend. I spend most of my days now trying to fight off this thought yet it won’t go away. I love her and I’m scared that i’m going to lose control and hurt her one day. I have yet to try zyprexa and clozapine but if those don’t work, I’m going to break up with her. And I might even then kill myself. I think I am going to kill myself. I’d rather be dead than hurt anyone else and live my life as delusional as I currently am. I know I’m preaching to the choir but never smoke weed. That’s what got me here in the first place.
I agree with @everhopeful, you need a hospital. Hospitals are good for this kind of situations, they calm you down.
Don’t give up because things get better, and please take care of yourself now that you’re still in control. Go to the hospital, it’s okay to go there, that’s why they exist, for this exact reason.
Going to the hospital is not an option. I’d then have to explain why I’m in the hospital to my girlfriend and then my dad also wouldn’t let me go away to school in the fall.
Look, if you want to go to school you don’t want suicide. Talk to your doctors, there’s still a long way to the fall and you can and will get better until then.
Don’t worry about being who you are. There’s nothing wrong with you, nothing that people who truly love you wouldn’t accept. Go get whatever help you need.
Much love & Safe travels
It can take years to get things sorted, so please don’t give up yet. I went from a lost cause to recovered enough to pass for a normie. Spent several years wishing I was dead myself. It DOES get better, so please hang in there!
I’ve read that the ‘pines’ (eg Clozapine and Olanzapine/Zyprexa) are the most effective anti-psychotics, but do have big side-effects, such as weight gain (varies with each individual, but diet and exercise will reduce it.) I’m taking zyprexa and it has helped me a lot, I didn’t function well before I started taking it, give them a try, what is there to lose.
please try to seek help before doing anything drastic. even if it means going to the hospital. it can take a while to find the right cocktail of meds. i’ve been on risperidone, abilify, fanapt, invega, latuda and haldol.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist? It can take a long time for antipsychotics to start working and even longer to find the right one for you.
If you feel you are a danger to yourself or others, you really should consider hospital. I know you have said you don’t want to go, but you can be given the best treatment in a hospital and it can take less time overall to get over this period, under the supervision of doctors, than if you are out on your own.
Please don’t hurt yourself, I’m sure you’re a great person. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.
Please don’t take your life…I tried twice and failed because I figured out there is still hope for me…find hope. In anything. You have to go to the hospital !!
Ana, you do need to go to the hospital if you’re considering hurting yourself or someone else. All they’re going to do is make sure you’re “stable” before releasing you, and then refer you to outpatient care (if you aren’t seeing someone already).
You don’t need to go into details with anyone about why you went. If you’re an adult, they can’t access any of that information unless you give them written authorization anyway.
I had to admit myself to the hospital for suicidal thoughts at one point, and I think it actually gave me the opportunity to rest some. I was dying to get out and back to school by the time finals came around (about a week).
I know religion is a touchy subject so I’m not sure if I should say anything, but I’m extremely religious and I feel like I should say that God would never want you to hurt another human being–for any reason. Ever. If you can remember it’s a delusion, maybe it’ll help your thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself?
If you don’t go into the hospital then you might not be able to go to school anyways. And Minnii is right, things get better. You are on a site in which most of us have schizophrenia. Virtually every person on this site who has schizophrenia has suffered. But you will read that we survived and not only did a lot of us survive this horrible disease, but a lot of us have thrived in certain areas of life despite the disease. Things get better, I’ve been on this site for more than 6 years and I’ve seen it a million times. Take care of yourself. You are not a bad person. You have a conscience which means you are worthy to live on this stupid planet.
