I always wondered why during the holidays, a wedding, or summer cookout why my relatives asked me one or two questions then walked away. I thought it was because they were interested in talking to other people but I KNOW I portrayed to them that I had my life together because I was in college, and I believed it. Although it took me 8 years to get my degree, and I failed 9-10 classes. Some I took over, others I kept the F. I didn’t have a high enough overall GPA to graduate, and last spring my boyfriend helped me write an email to the dean. I graduated. That semester I had a D,D,D,C+. My science degree is useless since I was grandiose when I chose it, the only good thing about it was I didn’t have to write a lot papers and when I did, I took the college writing class over 3 times. I finally passed when my mom wrote my final 2 papers for me. Now that it’s almost a year I’m out of school and I didn’t get a job, or even volunteer, my relatives are distant. It hurts so bad because they don’t understand, and they don’t know about all the psychotic episodes I went through these past 2 years alone. I can understand my limitations now, and it doesn’t sting as bad. I started getting suicidal in December because I felt trapped, but I no longer feel that way. I wish I had a connection with my relatives but I can tell their passivity is them assuming things about me. My concentration may not always be there in a conversation so that connection is gone too. Getting a job is none existent and there is no way I can get an art degree of some sort when I get stable. I ran out of money. I’m pretty much stuck. Even if I wanted to get a job in my field they ask for professional references on a resume, and I burned all my bridges with the professors. The one time before class started the professors said very loudly to break my zyprexa pill in half at night. The lab that accompanied it, my lab partner was pre-med so she did everything because I didn’t know how to set things up or even take a melting point on a chemical. I’m realizing as I get older, life got so fricken hard and all the thoughts I had about my self were delusions. The director of the day program I went to said I had grandiosity, I should have believed her. Now I screwed up everything.
It’s tough. I’ve been there. I failed everything pretty much at university and got kicked out for a low gpa. I could work though and succeeded in basic, menial jobs for a long time till I went psychotic.
Schizophrenia is a serious concern and it’s sad your family isn’t supportive. It’s not your fault for their closed minds or for being in the situation your in.
You might not get where you’d thought you’d be but start somewhere with something. Get a bit fitter. Take a job in retail and learn some new skills. More importantly look after your mental health. It’s little steps but they lead to greater things…
Thanks for the advice and understanding my situation. Do you have any other suggestions besides retail? I’m not exactly the friendliest and fastest person. Plus a lot of people bring out so much anxiety. I can’t clean either because I miss spots without noticing, I do it at home.
Right now I am getting fitter though so I am working to that goal
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