Are the voices ever positive? Yes they have been. Once, the original voice, a girl’s voice, warned me once of impending danger. There is one voice, not audible, but from my heart, that often says “they don’t know what I am”. I was just dwelling on a particular memory, one of well being in possession of something, two kids, one great responsibility I buried in a field.
And I asked this voice, was this me? “Yes it was” Am I forgiven for turning away? “You are” What is expected of me? “To follow in his footsteps which you do” I am not a Christian, though rather leniently raised one. I asked must I be Christian? “Any of the Abrahamic faiths” I am not religious. But commonly condemned as some sort of social pariah as I am this was some rare positive feedback.
Caroline would often love to say to me, “Remember the ship?” as her reminder would cause me to collapse as my frontal lobe surged with a feeling I cannot do justice. It was Caroline and I and this artifact I was expected to bring to a hilltop farm in Monterey Massachusettes, we consulted who we could think of, but there was no way I was driving out of state, especially south at that age, far short of the legal driving age.
I ended up at this farm in my mid 20’s and things happened, extremely unusual things. One staff member quit his job after reportedly coming face to face with Abraham Lincoln and blamed me for ruining his career. I experienced flashbacks, and whatever the opposite of a flashback might be. Sang songs to be written and popularized years to come and in one case recorded one I’m obsessed with that song.
Anyway, I guess through all this I’ve had faith in something, if only that some semblance of the truth would someday be known, in knowing that whatever the reality of my life, some good must come of it, some justice. I don’t mind if you think I’m off my rocker, not on the right meds, experiencing symptoms, delusional or just plain crazy. Please do,
I sang this song right off the top of my head right smack in the middle of a community meeting never having heard it in my life. What it brings to mind is the cursing of the land upon which was long ago built the house I grew up in.
I’ll be normal in the morning, don’t worry too much.