I was always angry

I spent my last 25 years desiring to work and being angry at my voices. I’m 52 now and unemployable. I had a lot of energy. I wish someone really knew my story, that I would have worked so hard!

Was I being punished for messing up my life?

I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 29. I wasted a lot of years in between just working low end jobs and either though I was succesful in some I couldn’t maintain a career.

I’m 52 now and on disability. I’m done with work. Even my volunteering which has kept me going last 20 years is over so it’s time to retire…that isn’t a bad thing. I know most folk who aren’t retiring at my age. Isn’t that good?

So no. It’s not punishment it’s just different to most but that is sz. And yes. I’m soon to be 52 in July!

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I was always very angry when I grew up, but I didn’t start experiencing symptoms until I was about 16, if you call intense anxiety a symptom, but everyone was supposed to be living near the edge when I was in high school. My high school years were in the time of Hunter S. Thompson. Everyone thought they should be dangerous and lead dangerous lives. It was stupid. It seemed like every year some kids out partying got killed in a car wreck. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, “The only people who know where the edge is have gone over it.”

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I don’t believe in some mystical punishment, I do believe in self-punishment. I have punished myself also with things, so for me it was an internal issue that needed to be resolved. I loved working, perhaps workacholic (7 days a a week for 20 years). I worked so much to forget my pain, until the psychosis and voices came who stopped me. Perhaps out of extreme stress. I cannot sit still, it’s not what I enjoy but the illness somehow forced me. I need to accept that I am not young either anymore and that things get a bit slower as I age. have difficulty accepting, and that difficulty might lead to self-punishment or feelings of guilt… I now recognize that as such. It helps me cope with it.

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