I want to challenge.. But I'm struggling

I’ve just come out of a minor delusional state due to surgery fears, I had surgery and apart from going under and coming out of anaesthetic I coped well there was doubt in my thinking because I actually went but that doesn’t mean I didn’t believe that I was going to be interrogated and after I woke up I saw a man in my room, voices were mental and I tried to run but i couldn’t get out of bed, I’ve sought of slipped into depression since and I think I’ve reacted to the anaesthetic, My heart is pounding, my thoughts are racing and people keep complaining that i’m speaking very fast and slurring my words. I was told I’m presenting with thought disorder (well flight of ideas), The problem is I cant control it, the other day I went to a psychology tutorial and I kept rambling or saying something completely irrelavent, I was so embarressed that I was appearing unwell because I’m high functioning most of the time.

I’m rambling here too… I’m exhausted with this loop of in and out of beliefs but everything links back to my main beliefs that I found in my first breaks they are a part of my everyday life they’re solid memories and still feel really real. I told my cpn that I want to challenge them just in case they aren’t real, I want my life back, I carry such a burden, but eveytime he shows me and goes through the model of psychosis I get really resistant about accepting that this is all just an illness I don’t understand how my Brain can do this! It’s like my theory is much more plausible now I know something isn’t right I know I have a label but I still haven’t accepted it. I tried very hard yesterday after he told me voices could just be my thoughts but externalised which i find hard to believe. Every time I become resistant, fiercely so, I don’t know why because I just want this over but every time I try to say its all not real, I become self destructive, that I’ve lost so long and caused so much pain for nothing but an illness. It also makes me special it’s a fearful reality but I’m someone, I stand on different time planes and I hold government secrets in my unconscious, these are what I want to challenge, I’ve been told I need to embrace uncertainty but eveytime I accept it í lose my sense of self and certainty in the world around me, it makes me know I’m at the bottom of the pile, a nobody, someone defined by illness (to others anyway), I’m the crazy one in the family, the weird one, the disappointment. My nan showed me exactly what she thought of me the other day and I was heartbroken. My mum and dad are proud of me but I’m not of myself. It makes
me wish I’d succeeded in suicide when I was attempting the act.

I just don’t want to embrace uncertainty in case it sends me over the edge, I’m fearful I’ll hurt myself or just lose myself in an identity crisis that I have experienced before I just don’t understand why I act this way, why it happens I just don’t understand it at all, I don’t understand anything anymore.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting I just think I need experiences, if this is psychosis how did you guys come out of it safely, accept that it’s an illness, without becoming destructive, how do I just tell myself that this is it… I’m willing to accept there is a very strong part of me that doesn’t want to accept the illness but I think my cpn is telling me I need to before we challenge my main beliefs. I just think I need experiences and to know I’m not alone at this time.

Thank you for reading, I’m sorry it’s long… Take care, Meg.

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That is a very hard thing to do. I didn’t just over come this. In fact I still have some delusions that are with me. As I’ve said many times, they have taken root deep in my heart and it doesn’t matter how logical my head can be at trying to listen when people tell me this isn’t true… my heart still holds on to certain beliefs. So to function I have learned to just cope around these beliefs. True or not, they can’t stop me from having a job.

I can still go to work and hold my unlikely belief. Just don’t talk about them at work. I can still go see my family and quietly hold onto my beliefs. Just don’t mention them with my family.

It’s hard accepting that SZ label. When I first got it, I really didn’t know what that means. But for some people, that stigma, the fear, the fact that it’s at the top of the horror list makes people want to avoid having that word on their file. It’s understandable. It’s like… NO, not that… anything but that bad boy… So I’m coming to understand why people don’t want to accept it.

For me? I was ill and addicted. I used drugs to hide my illness. I could blame it on the drugs. But when I got detoxed, and I wasn’t on drugs… there was nothing to blame all this head circus on. Then I realized I had to accept what was happening. Even when I was med compliant I don’t think I accepted it. Sure, the meds worked and helped me get functional, but that didn’t mean I was THAT ill.

Accepting this illness is hard to do.

I sometimes tell myself… it could be called pink sassafras illness… or any other silly thing… the meds still work and the therapy still clarified my delusions and I still had to admit I needed that help. I just don’t get hung up on the word and I do what makes me feel better.

But having the correct word on the label isn’t really FOR me, it’s for the doctors so they know what they are dealing with. So admitting I need help and accepting that help in the first place was the hardest part.

Once I just owned up to needed the extra help… then it got a bit easier over all. Hope this helps… I ramble too. Sorry.

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sorry i could only read the first bit about you going for surgery etc,

i think it must have been very frightening going for surgery, i know i would be scared and its no wonder you are scared, if i woke up and a strange man was in my room i would be rather upset as well especially if i didnt know him,

all i can think of to say now is just to try and get some rest and try to re-adjust it might take a while but i believe you can do, keep taking meds and listen to your p/doc or nurse and they will help you, there is also advice lines you can phone that your nurse should know if you ever need help and they are unavailable, hope this helps anyway and i hope you get better x

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Sorry you are going through such a tough time. I hope that it gets better for you. Don’t give up on yourself.

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Thank you J, that made a lot of sense; explaining a lot of the things that I go through now it took me a lot to accept that I needed help, my nurse said I was very resistant when I first saw him he had to tip toe around me but I’m not like that anymore, so I am changing but I still haven’t accepted it truly, I think I may need to just need to learn how to function around my beliefs like you because I still don’t function, I am high functioning but my social skills are so poor and I barely leave the house, I’ve hidden long enough though which is why I think I need to challenge.

You must have come a long way I hope I can go the same journey, thank you again you made me feel understood!

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Thank you for replying, that is helpful, I really appreciate it and will take time to be more gentle with myself and have faith in my nurse, I’m seeing my doctor next week so maybe she can provide an opinion? I appreciate your reply, so thanks again.

Thank you! I won’t go down without fighting, I fight for those I love, they’re worth that…