I’ve just come out of a minor delusional state due to surgery fears, I had surgery and apart from going under and coming out of anaesthetic I coped well there was doubt in my thinking because I actually went but that doesn’t mean I didn’t believe that I was going to be interrogated and after I woke up I saw a man in my room, voices were mental and I tried to run but i couldn’t get out of bed, I’ve sought of slipped into depression since and I think I’ve reacted to the anaesthetic, My heart is pounding, my thoughts are racing and people keep complaining that i’m speaking very fast and slurring my words. I was told I’m presenting with thought disorder (well flight of ideas), The problem is I cant control it, the other day I went to a psychology tutorial and I kept rambling or saying something completely irrelavent, I was so embarressed that I was appearing unwell because I’m high functioning most of the time.
I’m rambling here too… I’m exhausted with this loop of in and out of beliefs but everything links back to my main beliefs that I found in my first breaks they are a part of my everyday life they’re solid memories and still feel really real. I told my cpn that I want to challenge them just in case they aren’t real, I want my life back, I carry such a burden, but eveytime he shows me and goes through the model of psychosis I get really resistant about accepting that this is all just an illness I don’t understand how my Brain can do this! It’s like my theory is much more plausible now I know something isn’t right I know I have a label but I still haven’t accepted it. I tried very hard yesterday after he told me voices could just be my thoughts but externalised which i find hard to believe. Every time I become resistant, fiercely so, I don’t know why because I just want this over but every time I try to say its all not real, I become self destructive, that I’ve lost so long and caused so much pain for nothing but an illness. It also makes me special it’s a fearful reality but I’m someone, I stand on different time planes and I hold government secrets in my unconscious, these are what I want to challenge, I’ve been told I need to embrace uncertainty but eveytime I accept it í lose my sense of self and certainty in the world around me, it makes me know I’m at the bottom of the pile, a nobody, someone defined by illness (to others anyway), I’m the crazy one in the family, the weird one, the disappointment. My nan showed me exactly what she thought of me the other day and I was heartbroken. My mum and dad are proud of me but I’m not of myself. It makes
me wish I’d succeeded in suicide when I was attempting the act.
I just don’t want to embrace uncertainty in case it sends me over the edge, I’m fearful I’ll hurt myself or just lose myself in an identity crisis that I have experienced before I just don’t understand why I act this way, why it happens I just don’t understand it at all, I don’t understand anything anymore.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting I just think I need experiences, if this is psychosis how did you guys come out of it safely, accept that it’s an illness, without becoming destructive, how do I just tell myself that this is it… I’m willing to accept there is a very strong part of me that doesn’t want to accept the illness but I think my cpn is telling me I need to before we challenge my main beliefs. I just think I need experiences and to know I’m not alone at this time.
Thank you for reading, I’m sorry it’s long… Take care, Meg.