I’m doing this again. I sent letters. I receive invitations for written test and interview for some of them. And then I get caught in some mixed feelings, like anxiety over being incapable to do the job, and then cannot motivate myself to show up. If I say I fear of the interview, I fear even more if I get the job successfully. I fear of losing control and failing to act normally. And I doubt if I could maintain a good level of consciousness for 10 hours every day. …
I usually do not receive invitations for low level jobs but the professional and senior ones, which means I have to supervise some people. My CV is somewhat shinny. Unfortunately, the person is not any longer. I doubt if it would be a disaster if I am getting that role. It takes long time for me to make every decision. And I could not put a couple of things into my attention simultaneously. If I am thinking about something, I fail to perform at the routine tasks. I have got a lot of self doubt. I think I would not get hired simply for being sleepy all the time. I think I look too anxious and low energy in the interview. I tend to talk in a disorganized and confusing way. May be it is the stress.
So, I didn’t get to the exam venue and hide in my bed escaping from the reality this morning. They say it is a mental health condition. You desire some thing and choose to approach. You fear it at the same time but only find out when the time comes. As it gets into proximity, I break down. When it is distant, the desire wins. I know the fear is somehow irrational. I don’t have the problem of not showing up to appointment prior to the onset.
I don’t know what is the next step. I have no show for a number of interviews last year. When I finally make myself show up to some of them, I do not perform good enough. I have got an interview this coming friday. I do need to do something to make a different this time.