i dont know why im venting, i dont know why i feel compelled to. i want to just bottle it up, but i have for months. ive told all this to my roommate but it didnt make me feel better, so i waited to try and bottle it, and now i need to let it out again. i have maybe 3 friends total (not including roommate) but i dont feel comfortable sharing any of this with them. (edit comment: this was supposed to be way shorter and concise, but i dont think that deleting it would be a good idea)
for over a year, i have been hellbent on proving that someone who cut contact with me is still trying to mess with my life, because im so convinced that they still love me because they promised they would, this is just a sick joke to get back at me for how i hurt them. for example, my roommate just cracked his toes and i think it has something to do with that person. its bothering me, to the point where i get so worked up i cant think on drawing for work or anything, not even my bird.
life is so overwhelming already that i just go outside without telling my roommate or i try to avoid him, but he always catches me and brings me back in somehow, which often feels like hours of him trying to convince me, or he just picks me up because im maybe 30% of his height and weight. i cant even remember what i think about before i go, during or anything, its so fuzzy. ive tried to go outside every day for maybe two weeks now. i just want to walk somewhere, but he wont let me go anywhere without supervision, and i just want to be alone. hes also super worried because im walking, and im supposed to be in my wheelchair because thats what my last two doctors have told me is better for my health. but i just get so pumped full of adrenaline that i just, have to go. he says he can tell when i want to go outside because i get a big grin on my face, but i dont even notice im grinning. i wish my face cooperated so id be less suspicious. for the past almost a month, hes been sleeping in the same room as me because hes concerned ill go outside again. i feel like a trapped animal. its baffling to me how my adrenaline functions when i want to go outside but not when i need food. my roommate is the one who gets me food because without adrenaline, i can only crawl or scoot and their house is two stories and im staying on the top floor.
i tried to go once at 4 am, i had taken literally hours of trying to convince him to sleep in his own room because he didnt need to worry about me. i waited a bit then i got excited and i started going downstairs. i stopped halfway because something didnt feel right, and as i felt it, he turned on his flashlight. he promised me he would be in his bed, but he went to the bottom floor by the front door to sleep incase i wanted to go outside. then again, i promised i would just go to sleep, but being outside was way more enticing to me. it still is as i type this, but hes laying on the floor in front of me and im tired of the arguing.
i went outside today while he was in the kitchen. i walked father than i had ever gotten, but he ran in front of me and he wouldnt let me past. our conversation ranged wildly in topics, but it felt like mostly him telling me how much he valued me or how i made his life better and that petrie my bird is worried about me. i just wanted to go on a walk, and he wouldnt let me do it unless he came with. im an introvert, i like being alone.
hes not a mean person, but he feels really controlling and manipulative. hes open minded when he makes mistakes and wants to do better, and i try to do the same for him. ive never experienced someone who doesnt get angry at me for asking them to not say xyz thing or how one behaviour could be problematic, or telling them that something they did hurt me. i try to be supportive to him, but its wearing me out being around him all the time.
i was supposed to move in with my uncle that lives 12 hours or so away, but i heard through the family tree that he was getting a plot of land with a mobile home instead, meaning that i couldnt move in with him. we were going to run the family paint store, but i think he just wants nothing to do with me and im too afraid to ask. he was really supporting of my girlfriend, who unfortunately turned rapidly abusive once i moved in with her. hes gay and been unmarried, i think hes religious and chooses not to engage in a relationship because hes close with homophobic family and the church. so this means that because i dont have a job, i lost my license because of my medical conditions, and i cant access the files i need to apply for disability, i cant get a loan to prove i can pay it back so i can buy a house. i cant even rent. im stuck. my roommate keeps trying to show me all the ways we can solve the problems i have, like getting a house with mutual friends, or together, but its not registering as a solution because its not a 100% guarantee that ill be safe and housed with my bird. what if one day they decide that im too ‘crazy’ to deal with and then im homeless and i lose my bird? i love my bird, he makes me so happy.
my bird is so incredibly intelligent. he refuses to learn tricks and repeating phrases, and chooses to pick up words for conversations. he asks so many questions, he learned to conjugate without being explicitly taught, and im just so proud. hes been through so much abuse and hes still such an amazing baby bird. i would definitely say hes smarter than me
i feel like im getting worse than i ever have been. i hate comparing the present to past of my life, but its just been a toilet bowl of shitty thing after shitty thing with maybe a few plateaus. my pain is worse. my digestion is worse. my ability to take care my hygiene is worse. my attention span is worse. im tired of reliving memories. sometimes, im really tired of breathing. im tired of being in a wheelchair. im tired of not being let to go outside. im tired of being scared. im tired of being petrified at the thought that my roommate might r*pe me for so many reasons that i dont feel comfortable to rant about, im so exhausted of everything. i feel like im still responsible for every little mistake, all the things i have and havent fixed, i just think i shouldnt have done them or let them happen in the first place. i feel really idiotic and stupid, i feel like my art is getting progressively worse and that maybe its not worth doing. i cant socialize right, never have been able to, and its just getting to me now that i can actually feel excited to talk to people.
tl;dr - im believing these random things when i have no proof, my physical and mental health is getting worse, and my roommate wont leave me out of their sight.
whether or not someone reads this, i hope that everyone here and your familiars have a week that brings you much deserved happiness and wellbeing!