I believe I have what society would call “High Functioning Schizophrenia” and so I have to accept this.
I will have to accept that my reality will never look like a “normal” person’s reality. That my beliefs will never be accepted to those who cannot be open-minded enough to experience or see reality the way I do, or are not able to access the world through my eyes—which are considered “delusional perceptions” the fearful memories I have, they are simply alternative realities–they are not real to others but are real to me. I can’t erase or shake them.
So I have to accept that others will never believe me nor be able to prove or disprove them. Most of the uncomfortable experiences or information I had was hard to prove or near impossible. So I have to be strong through this, and merely accept it. Medicine makes no difference. Its the behaviors and attitudes that do. so I am working to cultivate a more positive attitude. Also, It was suggested that I practice medtitation. I would love to be able to clear my head and not be thinking all the time…so simply let go and release the thoughts…whether unconscious or repressed…
The closest I have ever been was watching a youtube video by somoene named Echort Tolle I think? His voice was so soothing I was able to shut off my thinking and simply sit there breathing for about an hour, it was an uplifiting feeling…I would like to be able to do that, and overcome the fear mentality.
This label is generally affixed depending on how independently you can care for and support yourself. Lowest end needs managed care. Highest end is self-supporting, able to manage own affairs, and has little or no symptoms of the illness. The more symptoms you have, the more you can’t manage them, and the less you can support or care for yourself the lower down the scale you slide.
I cant really live independently right now. I can’t get a job, function in school, and I have severe social anixety when around people. I’m not sure if I am symptomatic, the delusions seem to have decreased as the aristada has decreased. The insurance hasnt approved abilify maintaina or aristada yet. I’m wondering if I should go back to the 10mgs Abilify but I will probably stop taking it eventually.
I think the worst of the schizoaffective is the depression. Abilify has helped the most with the depression and suicidal thoughts. I am not suicidal on Abilify when Im at a stable dose. I feel happier and freer to be creative and be myself. I know that major depression runs in my family.
I think the schizoaffective from my mom is a sort of heightened form of major depression…but the various doctors I have seen never seemed to make up their minds about what was wrong with me sometimes thinking I was causing it myself through alcohol or energy drinks.
I’m not looking forward to the side effects of the next dose of Aristada. I’ve been up all night debating whether or not its right for me. I will end up gaining another 30 pounds, wont sleep well, on the flip side I wont be tempted to use drugs and I will be more clear headed.
The mental illness seems to play into my addiction too. I have come to the conclusion that schizoaffective was the cause factor in my use of drugs not the end result. I have noticed on the six months I was taking Aristada I never relapsed or did anything reckless. I think Aristada was more effective at treating the negative symptoms/and the impulsiveness.
There’s still a part of me that feels like its taking away from who I am, that vehemently resists being on medications to alter my thoughts and feelings…I am not actively psychotic–but it will start with depression and get worse over time I think…until I can barely force myself to do anything…
My psychiatrist once said I was high functioning because I have high insight into my condition and how it affects me, also because I was getting better over time not worse…but it really doesn’t feel like its ever going to disappear. Right now I feel the psychosis, as a looming threat, always present just never fully realized. I wish I could say I was a prophet and that I could turn my affliction into some gnostic miracle and cure the blindness of humanity…
I would highly recommend doing some Tai Chi, Yoga or chi gong, or any kind of light exercise before practice. It can help make you feel much more connected during meditation
Glad to hear you’re having some insights that work for you.