Schizophrenia.com

I think it out before I act

#1

It was November 27th 1996 just the day before Thanksgiving and the biggest wind storm I’ve ever been in hit Seattle. I was 10. Our power was out the day before Thanksgiving. Mom and Dad had a huge argument over Thanksgiving and a lot of family tension with the Thanksgiving day dinner was coming out. There was a lot of arguments. But all of a sudden with no power they decided to cancel Thanksgiving. Once the anger quelled they both went to bed early and the storm raged on.

As I listened to garbage cans being tossed around and screaming winds push against my windows my brothers and I also heard Mom and Dad making up from their argument. It was the very first time any of us had heard them making up from a huge argument. (very embarrassing for us 4 boys in a way.)

But somehow I wrote this down in my journal and I just KNEW the one religious delusion I had about God sending someone down to help me was coming true. I KNEW the wind brought the baby. 9 months later July 21 1997 my kid sister was born. I KNEW my Mom was pregnant before she did. (I think I did) I KNEW it was a girl even though doctors said it was a boy and I KNEW her name was Riley. (the wind told me all this and more) By the way, Riley was our neighbors dogs name. I just kept calling the coming baby Riley. So when she was born, everyone was already used to the name.

So now when a big wind storm hits, I end up feeling happy in my heart and I just always feel that there is a baby on the way. But logically I know that’s not the case. Wind doesn’t bring babies. But deep in my heart, I fall into this delusion. So I have to fight it. I have to stop and remind myself of the science of how babies come. I have to remind myself, I don’t have a girl friend, so there is no chance of a baby. I’m not a Dad… (yet)

I do have a journal about this specific delusion that goes way back and I have to re-read and remind myself of sneaky brained thinking that has happened in the past. I have to talk to my family sometimes and ask about the past and believe them when they say… “Sorry J, there was no wind when your brothers were born.”

But I have a hard time fighting this one delusion alone. I have to trust my family and write stuff down and stop and think about what I’m going to do about this before I do it. Am I going to run out and spend a month’s rent on baby stuff? Or am I going to try and ask around a bit to make sure this is just another delusions?

I feel not acting upon the delusion is key. I still have it. My emotional swing into this delusion is hard to stop. But what ever I hold in my heart… as long as I don’t act on it, loose money on it, get out of control with it… then life can get back to normal quicker. It’s hard and I can’t do it alone.

I’m not saying it’s this way for everyone or that it works for everyone, or that it even works for every delusion that I have. It’s just this one reoccurs so often and I have such a hard time fighting it. I feel if I can get this one out of my heart, I will be that much closer to beating this illness

2 Likes

#2

I don’t know thats very beautiful story. You know somebody is having a baby or making a baby every day in this world I dare say, maybe every hour. Your joy can continue on for someone else’s bundle of joy. I wonder what all the windy made babies have in common beside forming in the wind.

1 Like