I think I'm depressed or slipping into psychosis battling depression

I’m pretty sure that I have psychotic depression, and that’s why I’m told I have Bipolar 1 now and ADHD. I was labeled chronic paranoid schizophrenia by my first psychiatrist and told stimulants and anti-depressants would cause me to relapse slowly. She said that sort of psychosis feels like you are on an escalator and it doesn’t stop moving. I had my first episode at a school that had only 50 students and was for smart-asses because I had super high scores on an SAT test I took. I don’t recall sending in an application. I did not want to go there and I was fourteen, had a boyfriend, and was going to attend the local HS. Then I was bullied near the half of the school year while my mother was in the Middle East on a mission for Amnesty International, a Christian peace mission. My mom was involved in the local activist community. This is all coming to me now. I don’t know why. I can’t accept that I have schizophrenia, I can’t accept that I have bipolar. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do. I stopped taking anti-psychotics over 6 months ago. I had symptoms and tried to talk to someone at an ER and was refused help. Then my boyfriend became psychotic, and he was telling me he was taking his medication. I’m worried he is slipping into psychosis, but I still haven’t started the medication.

I was on 15 mgs of Abilify. I was just put on Strattera 25 mgs and I was on Vistaril 25 mgs a day as needed. I stopped taking that because it made me psychotic. I told my psychiatrist, he doesn’t ask if I want to be on it. He prescribes it after every session and it makes me psychotic. It gave me euphoria, and it helped me cope when someone was messing with me. That’s my memory of when I started taking it over a year ago. I take it up to three times a day as needed for anxiety. It doesn’t work. And when I withdraw from a single dose I become anxious and get panic attacks. It causes me to snap at people I think. Abilify seemed to be doing that because the Hydroxizine interfered with it. But the last practice prescribed me Abilify 30mgs and Vyvanse 40mgs a day. My boyfriend said they were trying to kill him. I had a dream about him before I met him when I was in a hospital he’s also been institutionalized in. He’s not my soul mate but I love him. He’s been acting more sane around me, but I don’t know if he is. He talks to me, and we joke around, but much of his conversation is vague and guarded and it’s getting more intense.

He got in a fight with someone tonight. His mom is constantly changing her expectations so I don’t know how to approach it when she refuses to talk to me. She thinks I don’t care, that I am making him worse but when I drop him off he ends up depressed or in a weird mood and he’s lonely. I want to give him more space…it’s hard, he messages me all the time. We’re in sync with each other, and we were getting along really well and could talk about anything. Then his mother called the police on him and accused him of having a weapon. He was on anti-depressants and staying with someone an hour away. I didn’t support this. So on one hand because I told her that he wasn’t on his meds, he ends up being arrested and taken to a hospital. That night I drove to the friend’s house to check on my boyfriend, I asked where he was. The guy said he was sleeping upstairs. I sat down on the couch, got up to walk upstairs when there was a knock on the door. I found out that he had overdosed that night from him. I don’t know if this is true, because in the ER they had him on a drip, and he didn’t have all his medicine with him. I was worried they were going to kill him. I found out where he was. I went with the friend to see him.

But no one told me so it was kind of a shock. I picked him up almost a year later, when he was in some argument with his family, and he told me he had overdosed. I took him to the ER. I called his mom. She blamed me and yelled at me over the phone. I was so hurt. It had nothing to do with me. I dropped him off the day or so before, and when someone tells you they overdosed and asks to be taken to the hospital you don’t ignore them. I probably should have told her before I took him to the ER, but she’s really mean to me. All she ever did was try to turn us against each other and harass my family because she thinks we’re rich. But we’re not rich. My mom’s completely alone. I don’t even know where my father is.

I’m supposed to somehow accept that I’m emotional for once with a label that means your moods change? I don’t feel anything but insane. All I want to do is help him right now. It doesn’t seem like it’s easy to help people. My mother is finally a bit better, but as someone different. She remembers everything but she still has to cope with not remembering the psychosis because it was so horrible and she said such horrible things for years not knowing what she was saying. She was slipping before she disappeared. This happened many times but got worse and then my dad was always trying to assure her that things weren’t as bad as she thought they were while she drew further into her passion about saving the world. To me it was a blessing that she went crazy, because then she could say ■■■■ you to anyone who ever contradicted her commitment to peace and God. Meanwhile we have a President who stands for a new oil pipeline, and ending globalized society.

Best part of not taking anti-psychotics is being able to see, then predict, then witness the future…all while being powerless to stop it because the majority of people are so dumb, so small-minded, so quantum sized that the solution is so big its in their face, and they look away. so why take medicine. Why stop believing the ground is moving? Why stop looking for God because God was looking for me and I fell before he could see that I was there, standing on the mountain, looking into the past that became the future. Powerless, immobilized, impossible. Infinite transcendental, the best cure for a prophetic vision is to make sure no one else can verify or witness it. I know how the world ends. Maybe I should let someone else see how it continues without me.

I’m taking the abilify soon I hope it helps me sleep.

I take Clozapine and that helps me sleep at night. Hopefully Abilify has the same effect on you.

You sound like you have a LOT on your plate right now. I’m really sorry about that.

I was told initially by a psychiatrist that not all antidepressants would exacerbate my symptoms. An ssri for example should not make your psychosis worse because it doesn’t effect dopamine in any way. Even snris only begin to effect dopamine at quite high doses I found out. The one you technically shouldn’t be going on is one targeting dopamine like Wellbutrin, but I’ve definitely seen people on here who are taking that anyways. So maybe don’t give up on antidepressants. A lot of times depression can exacerbate or trigger psychosis especially with psychotic depression. (That is my diagnosis as well)

I started the Abilify again and it made things better, but reality it kinda quickly and I got in a fight with my boyfriend; not sure what to think. I feel so much calmer. Got some sleep finally last night. I’m on my third night back on medication and have adjusted. The Strattera is helping with the depression. Although I’ve been tearing up a bit, I’m able to process more right now.

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