As I realize that no one takes 2mg of xanax and 10mg of ambien and has to exercise that day and then masturbate in order to sleep at all. Then feeling like I dont want to do anything and experience a lack of motivation which creates a stark contrast to my energetic tirades.
I just look at the medication and it says schizoaffective with hypomania. My sister has bipolar. I do an odd thing- I hate feeling too wound up, and I make it work for me most of the time, like when it happens when I wake up, but when it happens at night, I fight it with the meds and stuff to shut my brain down.
This feels depressing.
I also notice that I am too impatient. Just no patience. Cannot sit through a movie. Cannot proofread my own work well. Can do work, high-achieving academia, can and do exercise on a very advanced level. Cannot stop unless I take benzos and or barbituates as well as wear myself out.
I just don’t like how this looks. I just graduated top of my class and it’s sad because I don’t like being awesome by some means and dysfunctional by others. Yeah I can get it done, that’s what I do, I just do what I am supposed to when I am supposed to and then figure well damn that’s all I could have done.
I have a hard time finding friends. My best friends are also high-achieving young men, and finding a partner has been a ■■■■ show in my life. The thing is, I am about to leave for my Psy D and my best friends are all graduates themselves either also in grad school, ahead of me because they finished undergrad early, or from the class above me and in graduate school, and one just finished a graduate degree early. I have one friend who is more normal, he is one of my best friends, and the thing with him is that I am too intense and cannot chill, even at things like dinner I end up speaking about intellectual things.
I looked over my psychopathology work on scz and sza and I think it is odd, I get brief periods of demi-depression which more like makes sense given what I had just accomplished. I do get periods of intense energy and I cannot stop when this happens, and it happens constantly, even at night.
As a teen, I was an active fighter, so my energy was used up. Now they refuse to train me because they dont like me and technically because I am too advanced to do anything with except put in fights (im retired and need my brain cells for a doctorate) or make me an instructor myself.
It’s sad, being really good at this crappy life looks like it’s possibly the twisted crappy life; crappy life with periods of intense ups and downs. I am officially just chronic paranoid schizophrenic on paper (I have a copy of my ICD codes from my pdoc) but I mean damn. It looks like this ■■■■ is hypomanic most of the time. With enough caffeine, it’s totally manic.
But before the meds…I was just mean when needed and completely asocial. I had a stable mood- it was slightly depressed and very agitated. I wonder. This all started when I got on xanax.
I wonder about xanax and other street level downers. They seem to ■■■■ the brain up really badly…high abuse potential and addictive, looks like they even create mood disorders or at least significant symptoms of them.
I just graduated top of my class and I have been unstable due to insomnia. I experiment with this stuff. I do things like use the mood I think I am in to do things, and the performance fits the diagnosis I sort of give myself. Like “feeling very up and restless, gonna exercise” and then “wow, I could hardly rest in between sets. Now I can’t decide what shirt to wear, sleeveless to show off my tattoos or fitted t-shirt or fitted polo or-” yeah, it goes like that.
Then when I am down I cannot read psych material or make my bed or shave. I fight that with caffeine.