I think i am having a hard time, it's linked to guilt. Please help

A lot of things like Addiction - you can’t prevent it, control it or cure it .

I think you can often say the same for grieving and an illness like cancer.

I have caused my mum to have a killer illness 5 or so years before she would have.
I know that i have caused her severe pain and death perhaps 5 years sooner than it would have been had i been on the ball with her health - rather than me being the unwell one.

I feel that if i do accept that while she was doing things for me and what she wanted to do for me - and i was doing nothing for her… I would still be to blame for her 5 years of pain and death - maybe longer.

I ignored the problem. I did not help to prevent the problem.

This is something that if i do get depressed for life I would be very ungracious of all that she was doing for me in the meantime when i was ignoring her health.

This is real. This is not paranoia. I have talked about it with her but i don’t want to let it consume me
whenever i get laid back about the problem, that it wasn’t my fault maybe or that kind of thing… but then soon after the actual reality hits.

I suppose she could still be morally even with me - i have been breathing her second hand smoke.

Have you tried getting grief counseling?


That will help I think

Good idea x

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Also she is alive
Not sure if that was clear

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Cancer is a big burden to bear. I’m sorry to hear that. But I don’t know if me saying this makes any difference, but it’s not your fault.

Sorry this is so long, but it’s a detailed account of why I am to blame for my mums physical pain and earlier death

Cancer was an example only

She has very advanced osteoporosis

She has shrunk - I dot know her height but she is under 5ft
4ft 11 maybe

I knew she had it for the last 20 years
20 years ago she broke her wrist in a fall - I think she was diagnosed at the time
I have known since then at the back of my mind

She broke her knee skiing 10 years ago and has a pin
I always expected her to know - and to be doing all there is to do.
I thought she was taking care of it

I have spent the last 11 years on the net and have probably believed I was dying of something as oven as twice a week with full hysteria

Usually spending hours researching
And never looking up osteoporosis for my mum. An 11 year black hole of not thinking to look it up

There are Many Drugs which can be prescribed earlier in the course of the illness which extend lifespan and pain free living
She has spent the last year sleeping in a chair to limit back pain, which she now has all the time

I think I can see the beginning of a dowagers hump
This would mean she has already got spinal fractures.

I can only excuse this like the warming on a cigarette pack, where nobody ever picks the pack up and says - this - this is what you are doing to yourself! I think this is still worse.

Also my mum was like a coach to me -
I jogged for 5 years
Much of the time I ran 3 times a week, and most of the time my mum drove the car and sat in the car for an hour or two… she would listen to the radio and almost never do any walking herself

I could have walked with her for half an hour, each time - just half an hour it would have improved my fitness even
This was 5 years of running- the final year I ran 3 organised races and in the end a weekly run of half marathon distance
This was the achievement which in negativity I have written off as worthless because I quit after a 16 mile run and not after a marathon
I was always neglecting her need to walk to maintain bone density
I still haven’t looked it up but we are talking about something that could have helped her to maintain in reality

This would not have been insignificant- even an hour or so total a week and she could have put off this pain which she is enduring until even a year later

This is made worse by thinking that I didn’t want hr to fall, so any difficult walks I wanted to take her on stayed in my head
I guaged her fitness on one hill climb we tried and avoided challenging walks for 20 years in case she had a fall
This is criminal

My sister - although most of the time she shouts at my mum through alcohol - takes her on these walks 20 years later

I can only see me coming to terms with all this

I can’t see a way out of the facts - that the help I could have given would have extended her life and pain free years.
She said,when I spoke to hr about this, that I had been busy being ill myself

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Ok, first off the guilt is just a feeling. You decide if you want to react to it or not. It’s just a feeling. Second off, you’re in a great position right now to make a difference for your mom right now. I’m assuming you can encourage her to do whatever exercises the dr has cleared her to do. I think it would be nice if you just do her exercises with her. Thirdly, you need to get away from the second hand cigarette smoke as soon as possible. So:

1 let go of guilt
2 exercise with mom
3 get away from smoke
4 hope you have a better day!

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Sorry to hear about your mum. My gramma has arthritis and she is hunched over and shrinking as well. Truth be told I’ve never looked up arthritis but I see what it’s doing to my mum and gramma and likewise they probably never looked up sza as they can see it when I visit or hear it when I talk on the phone.

Everyone is battling somewhere and somehow and if not they will eventually. I think you should embrace this as a way to forge a deeper relationship with her but I see what you are saying about the guilt. I’m also carrying shame from something that happened in my boyhood but I’m hashing it out in therapy so we’ll see.

I wish better times for you.:):ok_hand:

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I had the same issue… just let it go… sounds simple on paper but in practice the difficulty is on nightmare… i did not create it…i cannot control it… therefore i must let it go.

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One thing I can tell you right now. Can’t always spend our time wondering about the “what if’s” or we will tear ourselves apart. As long as your good with her and she’s good with you, then I would try not to worry about it so much and just go on with life and try your hardest to be happy, cause that’s what she would want. For you to be happy.

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Thank you.

I know she can’t even say that as a defense when i said it out loud to her…
not walking when she drove me to a place to run 3 x a week for 5 years.

I was so bogged down with the stuff of being SZ and not highly energised - i worried that walking extra would take too long or take too much out of me rather than the strengthening it would have made me stronger.

I think if i could stop calling the glass half empty it would go a long way to making myself and everyone around me happy…

I still look at the half marathon running and feel i have failed because i haven’t managed to run a full 26 mi

and that i have failed with the theatre because a production was pulled well in to rehearsals after 5 yrs of writing it.

the other stuff i wrote along the way was very successful

I do not rate myself

I might have the biggest ego and the most arrogance but i know that my father is not proud of me and never will be.

in fact he is a sadist and he wouldn’t say it even if he was proud

what is the story behind your experiences?

can you say?


very level headed and friendly positive post,

I am thinking about going back to therapy - it would really help me if i could just have a go at this one issue and some other stuff
i could carry it all a bit better

thanks - just revisiting this post and have to say thanks :slight_smile:

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If you keep holding the guilt of “do they forgive me for what I’ve done or said to them” it will consume you. I’ve noticed that’s a pattern we have in scizoaffective. My cousin has that guilt with her grandparents and I have that guilt with my dad.

Although you got to train your brain not to think stuff like that and when you do to shut it off or tell yourself “they forgive me and are proud of me.” If you can’t do that then you will be consumed by it and it will lead you down a substance abuse road or suicidal road.

I can’t speak for your dad, but I bet deep down he was proud of you. Just never said it cause he was very intimate with his emotions. Or how to speak his emotions to other people.

I really hope you find a path that’s good for you and get happy and well

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