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I shouldn’t feel good about it but I do

This is just a rant. I’m posting it in the hopes that it will help me to stop thinking about it. I know I’m a bad person for feeling this way. I understand that.

Today I found out my ex boyfriend gained a lot of weight after our break up and it I have to admit I feel petty contentment over it. I am shameful that I feel it.

For context, he used to put me down ALL THE TIME about my weight. He wasn’t even a thin person himself but he would often tell me I looked bad in the clothes I felt comfortable in and frequently said that I should change. He’d grab or pinch at the parts of my body that he thought were too fat. Or make snarky comments about me needing to be on birth control. Then when I started bc pills, he made snarky comments about how much weight I’d gained because of it. Same with meds. Even after he knew about my eating disorder, he kept kicking me while I was down. It didn’t matter to him.

I haven’t been with him in years. Haven’t seen him in years either. For a long time, I was afraid that I would see him in public. I always felt so ugly when I was with him. When we broke up I thought for sure if he ever saw me, then he would think that I was disgusting for not losing weight. So much so that shortly after the break up I hit the eating disorder behaviors hard. (I am in recovery now).

Well today I saw a recent picture of him. He looks to have gained at least 50lbs. I am at the same weight I was at when I decided to leave. I should not feel good about that, I know. He’s probably over 300lbs now and that cannot be good for his health. And to be clear, I don’t wish him sickness.

But it did feel like karma got back at him. Like the universe gave him what he gave me for so long. I hope he has avoided diabetes or heart issues or other weight related health problems. That’s too awful a thing to wish on a person. But I hope he now has compassion for heavy people. That he has learned that it can be very difficult to manage weight.

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He sounds like a jerk

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Yeah this guy was super emotionally abusive and manipulative. He did terrible things to me. Mostly mentally but sometimes physically. Idk what prompted it but one day I woke up and said enough. Leaving him was one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I’ve ever done.

I am now with a person who lifts me up. Tells me that he loves the way I look and helps me love myself after a lifetime of hating myself. It feels really good.

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