I need some advice from the guys out there

How do you show a guy you aren’t interested in him romantically but at the same time still be friendly and polite? I laugh (really) easily and I am genuinely interested in what other people have to say and I run into the problem of guys taking that the wrong way. I think that everyone has something to offer in some way or another (study help, job opportunity, or even just a friendly smile in the morning) so I don’t really follow that “you can tell by how I act to people I consider inferior what kind of person I am”. I will admit I really do look down on a lot of my “selfie hashtag abusing” facebook friends, but that is generally it.
In fact I got my job because I always stopped and chatted with the secretary where I now work and she was the one in charge of hiring people (as it turned out) and she gave me a job right away.
So I don’t really want to stop being friendly, but how do I stop being that type of friendly?

I think I come across as a bit of a flirt, if I’m comfortable with the person, even though my intentions are just to be nice. Sometimes the other person is going to read what they want regardless of your actions because they will see what they want to see. I was in a situation once with a co-worker that liked me and even though I put up all the right walls and flat out told him that there could be nothing more, he still looked at me with more then friendship. I think some little things you can do to not increase this affection is little to no physical contact like touching on the arm when talking or even leaning too close when talking. There’s an invisible wall at least 2 feet thick between you. Keep eye contact to a minimum. Look them in the eye but also look away fairly quickly. When in groups of people try to put others in between you so you are not standing side by side. Hope that helps.

I don’t always consider myself a normal guy… I am so happy to lucid and stable, that I’m not actively looking for a relationship. But if friendship and love comes my way, I’m not going to send it back from whence it came.

As I found out… A girl has to get very blunt with me before I catch on. My plant killing neighbor had to pin me to a wall, look me in the eye and say, “Here is what I’ve been trying to get across” Even now… I’m not sure if we’re just friends or more then friends… :confused:

But this whole relationship seems so complicated for SZ and non-Sz people.

My sis is a lifeguard and she tries to save everyone… and that leads to confusion. She’s trying to be nice and be helpful and people aren’t used to nice or helpful so they think she’s interested. She has to get blunt sometimes.

Other people latch onto her because she knows where she’s going, and they don’t have a clue where they are going so they may as well follow her. She will think they like her when they really just want to be told what to do and given some direction.

I guess in todays world one just has to be up front about where they stand and hope the other person understands where everyone is standing… wow… that’s confusing.

Good luck and be direct…

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I’m not having this problem currently (or at least to my knowledge but I am pretty dense about these things). I just want to prevent it. Thank you @BarbieBF. This one guy I’m not sure about wanted a hug. I couldn’t think of a polite way to say no… so… side hug time… :frowning: Though I did manage to get rid of one guy by saying I was sick when he wanted a hug. Maybe I channeled something in my voice…
But I have always wanted guy friends. My Dad’s friends are so so so much more interesting than their wives. It seems around here (except for a few exceptions) the girls are pretty dull (re: dim) and the only people with ideas are guys, but they see me as I don’t know… a sex object? a relationship? just someone to flirt with and not take seriously? In any manner I hate it. How do I get taken seriously? None of the women where I work have this problem, but they are all about at least 30 years older than I am so they have already won respect. I just don’t know where to start. I think it’s why I act like a jerk a lot in my classes during group work. I don’t know how to be friendly and not have them see it as “hey she’s cute. Let’s all agree with her! Maybe then she will like us!” I literally saw that happen to another girl right in front of me with a guy I thought was a distant friend but (same old song and dance) he liked me and he made it weird.
How do you get taken seriously BarbieBF?

I have to agree with SurprisedJ. Sometimes to get someone to understand the difference between your genuine interest in them as person versus that of a potential lover requires a blunt (or at least direct) approach. People tend to see what they want to see.

I would also consider myself a person who tries to be very friendly to everyone. While I don’t love every person, I do love most. I’m a huggy kind of guy and I’m easily excited by things other people do. It has caused issues and been misinterpreted, but usually only when I did not set boundaries. It’s your right to refuse a hug, whether giving or receiving. By giving in to pressure from a guy and giving a hug you don’t want to give, you’re making it more difficult for yourself to turn one down in the future. You don’t have to be rude about it. A little, “no, I’m not in the mood” can get the message across - especially if you say it every time he asks. If you smile and hesitate before a hug, it can easily be interpreted as “I have a crush on you.” Be aware of your demeanor and look for warning signs that you might be being misinterpreted.

As I said, people see what they want to see. They’re more likely to look for evidence confirming something that they want than they are to look for evidence that refutes it. Don’t be afraid to stand up for your heart - after all, it’s YOUR heart.


Yeah, you are right. My problem is I have an overwhelming fear of being a disappointment to anyone. It’s not just me noticing this though. C got mad because we went somewhere and some guy he knows saw me for the first time and I guess tried to make his voice sound deep or something? I didn’t catch it but he did. He is very protective :smile: too bad I can’t have him with me all the time. A LOT of girls at my campus are engaged, married, or already in a relationship so I think that the first thing you would do is check someone’s left ring finger.

Just tell him you’re not interested in him romantically. I’m sorry, but a lot of us get desperate sometimes and it clouds our minds, perceptions, and judgement. Hmmm. I can tell when a girl isn’t interested in me romantically. I’m dense in a lot of things but I know when a girl is just trying to be nice. Not immediately but pretty soon. You know what the problem is? When a girl meets a guy, I think she herself doesn’t know if shes interested right away. Sometimes. So guys take this ambiguity and hesitation and mistake it for an opening. We are looking for an"in". An opening or chink in the armor where we can proceed. Maybe everything I just said is wrong, lol.

Yeah. I guess I understand. I just want to be everyone’s friend so I always act sociable (at least till I got on Latuda. Thank goodness I’m off that now). I guess I might be misreading them. It’s the looks I get that frighten me the most. If a guy wants my number or something that is easy to counter. But this sneaky guy trying to win me over I don’t like. I will never see them that way. I’m taken. I also don’t like it when any guy besides C looks at me in “that way”. I feel like it means they don’t respect me.

You are probably coming across flirty to others, but are not aware of your actions. This sort of thing happens

Don’t beat yourself up about not being friendly in a group setting. There is a lot going on in a group. You want to be taken seriously, so being business like is probably the best approach. There is nothing wrong with stating… “You want to see the fun, smiley side of me? Then talk to me when there ISN’T work to be done. But until then? Lets finish this.” That’s just how things have to be sometimes. You are the dragon lady until the work is done. But state that going in.

My Mom is a math/science teacher and in class… dragon lady. Out of class… people tell me she’s one of their favorite teachers. You know where you stand going in… no games, she’s up front about the grading, she doesn’t put up with “class pets” or other games. It’s math time, not flirty game time.

My sis is 17, and thin and redhead and off duty, she’s light hearted and helpful. She was one of only 2 females on a beach guard team… she would get flirted and not get taken seriously.

She just started acting hard core. She approaches that team like she’s going to into battle. After the team realized that she knew her stuff better then they did, and she’ll gut them like a fish if they step out of line… then the guys left her alone. Plus they did respect her because they knew she was hard core serious.

She didn’t joke with them, she didn’t smile, she kept her nose in the training book, she practiced more then they did and the bosses noticed that. After she established herself as a hardcore no-nonsense person then she’d let her self smile a bit and joke a bit, but she’s still very “all business and no funny stuff” when she’s on duty.

You and I are in the same boat with the getting excited by other people and cool conversations. I get freaked out when strangers touch me, but I do hug people once I get to know them. Then I’m very huggy person. When I was growing up I had very poor boundaries. I was always touching people and in their face and holding on to them them. After my onset, the feeling of being touched is a bit odd… but my weak boundaries are still with me.

People do have to be direct with me. But when they are direct with me… I know where I stand.

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Pretty simple…“I am not interested in a relationship, just friends…”
I’ve actually said those very words…or if you have someone already you are interested and may be working on a relationship with, tell them that you already have a romantic interest.

lunaseer is dead wrong on this.

Here is what you do.

You ask him out to a special dinner, really get his hopes up you know.

You flirt and talk really sweet to him the entire meal.

And then you inform him towards the end of the dinner that you are simply to good for him, and ask him “how would this work at all? I mean, look at me and then look at you, you know?”

And then you get up to leave and make him pay the bill.

But that isn’t all, when you see him next you ask him out to a movie as a friend because you suppose that you can make time for him since he is so pitiful and you feel sorry for him.

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Yes…some people do things like that.

I don’t think C would like that.
Plus I am getting better at what to say when they are upfront with it. But they rarely are. They smile at me and I see it in their eyes. I used to be very oblivious to all of it and I usually am when I am around C because I feel less of a need to keep my guard up. If they are up front with it I can respectfully decline. I declined an invitation to go to a jazz concert on campus with a guy (and I managed it politely too).
It’s the looks I get from strangers and people I barely know that are the biggest fear I have. There is a big difference between when a straight girl says to you she likes your outfit and a straight guy looking at you like he wants to undress you. It makes me feel ashamed of myself, that I wore that nice blue skirt I have or that I decided to wear mascara that day. Or that I am happy and walking with my chin up. That’s when it’s the worst. They see “happy and confident” I think and it makes them think they need to look at me like that. It makes me feel disgusting. I don’t dress like a tramp either. Even one of the professors I worked with complimented me on how professional I look when I go into the office to work. I wear those outfits all day because I see no reason for five costume changes a day. I have three already (day cloths, exercise clothes, pajamas) I don’t see the need for more. That means a whole new wardrobe too. One for work and one for school (and I can’t wear my exercise clothes around. I wear really tight pants when I work out because sometimes when I am running in loose pants I feel the fabric flapping around and it is distracting. Also tight exercise pants are better for temperature control. I don’t get too hot, but I stay warm for my stretching and when it is leg day). I can see how that could be bad, but a lot of the time these people have never seen me run unless they creepy people who have just driven by and park there or get binoculars or something and stare at me. I keep an eye on everyone I pass while running. Paranoia.
But I mean, come on, I’m not THAT attractive.

Well I am bisexual so ive tried to attract men and women and been given signals of attraction from both. Just don’t laugh too much, smile too much, especially while making eye contact, and for ■■■■■ sake never touch a person, in body language (psychological standpoint on it), touching (any touching) is the step before kissing and then going below the belt. Never touch a mans arm. Having my bicep squeezed is what gay guys do to me to hit on me. It happens alot. And ive done it to other gay men. They took it as an ice breaker, to say the least. See?

Girls dont touch as much because they are hard wired to be be conservative, the guy always has to touch a girl first. Part of what I like about guys, even gay guys are still men and dont freakout or play hard to get or give me any of that ■■■■■■■■.

Just don’t do things like agree to go get coffee sometime and give a guy your number, guys do that as casual dating, not just as friends. In fact, no matter how attractive the person, I always start off with a coffee unless they insist on dining for the first date.

Maybe dont pay as much close attention. Look away at times, nothing gets a guy more excited than wide eyes staring right into his while he communicates. In fact it’s a pretty damn clear mating signal, especially if your eyes are dilated for any reason. His might dilate a little bit if he is attracted to you. It’s funny, people have commented on my dilated eyes when I approach them (I find them attractive) and I’ve noticed people’s eyes dilating when they approach me.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou that was really, really helpful! I’ve been doing ALL of that wrong! (except the phone number and arm thing). I was taught early in life to hug everyone so when they want to hug me I feel like I am being rude if I don’t hug them. And, worst of all, I usually keep direct eye contact with whoever I am talking to unless I am concentrating on my eyes and not listening as much to the conversation. That came from when my Mom decided I had ausburgers (I have indicators so that doesn’t help either) and she always made a big fuss that I never looked anyone in the eye. Sooooo… in my usual “black and white, going to extremes” style I started looking everyone in the eye all the time. Now THAT’S a habit and I am trying really hard to play the “politely looking at other things while someone is talking then looking at them” game. It’s even harder to do that when you are trying to dodge other social cues and react properly under pressure (meeting a new person, or talking to someone who makes me nervous in a bad way for any reason).
Well, now that I have some clue, time to practice practice practice!

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I was also thinking there is a lot of confusion just in different cultures. My Mexican side of the family… everyone hugs and kisses everyone. My Mexican side of the family is very physical with each other. My Scottish side is very hands off and barely shake hands, eye contact is brief. There is a huge difference between my Latin blood and my European blood.