I need help i was stable but did something and its not fun its horrible

I have had schizophrenia since around 8th grade im 22 now and had auditory hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

I was put on a 52/50 (14 day mandatory hold) for risk to others.My voices made me think harmful things and have another side that was like that but i also had a side that was moral and 100% this whole time was trying to get better.I went into the 52/50 because i was strongly feeling of harming my parents i called my psych and left a message and my therapist its bad like realy bad.I also called a friend so i can talk to someone so i was trying to take care of myself.I wrote a blog 1 hour before the 51/50 it is very bad but i write my life and feelings on an anonymous blog with it own domain and you can see my states im in at the time im writing and have over 250 pictures related so you would see the picture and click on iyt to see the blog and i say how it relates in the moment.This happened in 2018.

I got put in partial hospitalization in the same place my psych is.It is basically out patient group therapy that i left at 7 am and got out 3 pm everyday for like 2 months total i went twice. so my psych passed away sadly early 2019.I am now since then seeing his coworker and the psych for the group therapy people who had no psych.

So i have been doing good proud of myself i can control my emotions i got my empathy back to as much as i can instead of pure apathy i was happy.

Now this is when things started going downhill last august so 2020. I tried caffeine and never felt something that gave me energy i liked it.So i abused it I took 2 200 mg caffeine pills 300 mg caffeine drinks on top of a pot of coffee when i say abuse i mean like hot healthy for the heart i have no idea how long i did it but the damage was done.

So I noticed i stated being more talkative ever then before was even told so by everyone that has known me well I am usually reserved and before that was a apathetic zombie. well i noticed that i was speaking rapidly and and had energy so i told my psych which led her to believe it was mania.I knew it was not as i felt it once before this was energy.

Then I was going to sleep one night looked up at the top left in my dark room where a patch of white light was on my roof above the curtain and saw black cross threaded things but they were moving like worms i closed my eyes re opened rubbed.so i got up and see in the dark something swinging on my wall like a shadow of a rope so i knew i had nothing there so i watch that spot as light button is next to me i watch as light goes on theres nothing so i know somethings off i wake my mom up.she comes into the lit hallway and when i look at her face it is vividly blue and demonic and i was screaming and covering my eyes and my dad said open them and i just kept repeating something and went to ER I was scared shitless i havent visual hallucinations like that ever in my life not even psychotic episodes.

So i call my psych tell her about it now 2 months go by but the whole time i was still hallucinating and scared yet didnt tell anyone because i didnt think it was something to note like it happened i woke up fine i try to sleep its happens wake up fine like i didnt think of it as bad you guys might know what i mean how do you know when to note things if its been happening or you just dont think of it really even though i was scared at night i didnt even tell anyone had that for 2 months this kind of stuff that would happen ,

My fan on sounded like someone slowly crawling or tip toeing closer to me on the carpet i heard the crunches closer and closer so i turned off my fan,looked at my fire alarm a tiny green dot stared at it it started having a bunch of green particles swirling around it and started moving in the dark and i followed if i unfocused back to normal but then i did it more same result,black threaded stuff happening, My computer chair and other bobjects turned into shadow people figures, and i was constantly hearing voices different then ever ones i know like my mom my grandma my friends rapidly saying things and switching voices and saying sentences that dont make sense and words that arent real rapidly against my will.

now I had another intense hallucination where my dad went on a month vacation with my brother and was on his way home but two states away and they were staying the night at my grandpas coming home next day.I was laying down and my door closed and i hear my door from the garage open and my dad and brother specifically and they said hey lets go check on mom so i got up and rushed to say hi and there was no one i looked in garage around the house saying dad? laid down heard them again but couldnt make it out so i was thinking maybe they are in my moms room so i turn on the light and nothing i call my mom out and we went into the halway and her face had like orbs going around and her face swirling luckily i didnt freak out but that time and the ER time i left a voicemail for my psych.

I continued to have these night hallucinations and one day i was randomly playing a game with a friend when i realized wait i should tell my psych this .I told her and she said they are illusions aka distortions because i said i narrowed it down it happens at night and she thought i had mania which i found out 3 weeks ago it is pressured speech a symptom for schizophrenia. well she came to the conclusion i had bi polar which i knew was not true but i was put on 1500 depakote on top of my 300 serequel.

Before i go further I was on risperdal my whole life when i said i had those psychotic episodes i got switched to serequel and they stopped idk what that means but there was a bad side affect getting on it and getting off it.I was 160 when i got it after i got out of psych ward i was on 8 mg Risperdal ,before that on 6 by old psych . the psych in the mental hospital put me on 9 actually but i said i wanted to decrease because 6 to 9 risperdal sedated me so much you guys are probably familiar and i went from 160 starting an anti psychotic to max of 306 pounds.I would endlessly be hungry i could eat 2 pounds of food and in 5 minutes feel like i havent ate in 3 days.

After i got off it theose psychotic episodes stopped and i was happy i had to black myself out everytime i got it i couldnt stop looking up and felt like id rather be gone then feel this feeling worse then a panic attack…well after i completely tapered off I had the side affect of having 0 hunger or thirst.And i mean 0.I would cause lots of bad things I dont have any hunger or thirst so only way i would know oh crap i didnt eat or drink is because my bodies shaking from not eating or drinking ive gotten dehyrated so many times and een whe i have food on my desk its to the side so unless i look it will be there the whole day but if i see it i take a bite or two i can only eat slowly as well or get nausea.

Now this is what the whole post was leading up too. The thing she thought was mania was pressured speech i would talk and rapidly and literally couldnt stop talking i couldnt but people would think i wanted to so id take a 25 mg serequel and sedate myself to where i couldnt even process if you asked me why do fruits die when they come of a tree i can process that simple a sentence or think at all my mind is blank i go back to 100% apathetic my eyes feel static fuzzy which makes me feel messed up they feel heavy and pressure cant explain some might know what i mean.i would rather suffer with that then pressured speech.

Forgot to mention the night the psych put me on the depakote like i was going to stat it next day i had my computer light on light blue room saw hundreds of tiny rice transparent bugs inside my eyes bouncing off each other and they followed my eyes so it wasnt on the wall and if i focused on them they would make wall swirl.So i didnt mention i had hallucinations in the light and she planned on taking me off an anti psychotic and i cried at home scared to go back to my old self after ive got so far she wanted me off it also because i sleep an average of 12-20 hours a day and thinks the sedation does it .It isnt that I call it the dreamstate i remember everytime im woken up answer calls and respond totally normal not tired people being woke up would sound sleepy and dont you think if im sedated i wouldnt wake up? i couldnt explain but i couldnt get up and was still in dreamlike stage and i enjoy dreams the are like DMT trip nothing like everyone i asks kinds of dreams and i go third person and alot of weird stuff and the dreams are always related to nothing going on in reality i had one where i chased hitler in a fighter jet and we crashed but sometimes i cant explain what i see like there is nothing in real life to compare.I even had a dream where it wasnt even me in it i was watching an animated alien go from being picked on to king.

anyway she thought i had bi polar because i didnt say alot and gave bi polar impression.Well i thought about it she doesnt know anything about my past nor asked me yet and my old psych like i said when you dont think things are wrong you say your finbe and id always chat and he would show me all kinds of books from being young and growing up so i realized there is probably not alot on my file.

Well this is the problem and i realized it I knew the pressured speech.I also noticed i get heated talk alot get into all these fights and i have been in therapy my whole life i know to not start a fight with someone that wont understand its wasteful ,well now i realized i knew i overexplain alot but 3-4 days ago i realized i cant physically not say my thoughts outloud and this has been the most suffering all the fights ive been in i wouldnt of done if i was like i was before i learned alot from therapy. When i talk with friend i go of 20 subjects linking together that i know no one cares but in my mind i am thinking it so i say it out loud but i cant help it, I am correcting people constantly , seeming like a know it all, and im looking like a very toxic person for something i cant help and wouldnt of happened if i was like before.

You know how everyone gets bad thoughts like is this person dumb? well i say that to their face you can see how fights are started and today I had my mom constantly tell me she cant talk shes doing work until she broke out crying and i became aware that i was saying all my thoughts to her constantly the problem is when im aware and actively try to stop the impulses i get like 6 impulses and it causes severe anxiety and then i told my mom and when i say im having anxiety it intensifies it by 20x so i had a full anxiety attack hyperventilating crying.and my mom called off work this is suffering and i just barely realized whats going on and i narrowed it down to the mass caffeine abuse.

Like how someone pre disposed to schizophrenia smokes marijuana and gets it forever when they would never of gotten it have they not smoked it well caffeine is psycho active but this horrible and i dont know what this is called i know i have pressured speech but i cant stop saying my thoughts even when thinking i should walk away i dont i dont know what its called or what to do but i know it can be solved or treated at least but now i feel like its permanent like now i will have to take serequel with depakote for life now because of poor choices.so if i can get any info i would appreciate it.Sorry for long post i was telling backstory



[EDITED BY MODERATOR – Added breaks between paragraphs for easier reading.]

I want to read this but find it hard to break up.

Welcome to the forum!!! Most of us have trouble reading really long posts. What’s the basic gist of your story?

Maybe a mod would be willing to throw a couple paragraph breaks in the post to make it easier to read?

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I read it all welcome to the forum you should stick with your medication since its helping your hallucinations and stay away from caffeine or other drugs

@brentjacob Welcome to the forum.

I’m one of the forum moderators. I went ahead and broke up the large block of text into smaller blocks of text for easier reading. I hope you don’t mind.

Also, if you find yourself in need of help, just tag a moderator. Type the @ symbol, then our names

@ZombieMombie , @ninjastar , @Moonbeam, and @rogueone

Enjoy your stay with us!

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