I need advice ASAP!

DX'd - Other
#1

I know this may be the wrong place for this discussion (huge ■■■■■■■ problem), because it’s not caused by my SZA. But I fully trust my fellow dx’ed here and have no one else to ask…

At the beginning of August, my husband’s mother was killed in a workplace accident. It was hard on everyone, and she was kind of the glue that held my husband’s small family together. Unfortunately, she and I were sworn enemies, like she hated my ■■■■■■■ guts and because of the way she’d treated me over the years the feeling had become mutual. That caused a SHITLOAD of tension between my husband and I (and my husband’s family), but that’s neither here nor there, not really part of THIS particular crisis I’m having…

So. She died, and I did everything I could to step up for my husband, our kids, and my husband’s grandfather whom lived with her and is unable to live on his own anymore. So I have checked in on Grandfather in-law regularly, done his laundry and shopping, doctor’s visits, etc. About a month ago, I was dropping off his laundry and no one was home there except my father in-law. My FIL has always been a prick, and has made several inappropriate passes at me over the years. I’ve told this to my husband before, and he always brushed it all off to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Or ■■■■, maybe he just didn’t believe me. But anyways, on THIS particular day, he finally felt free to act on it. He cornered me in the kitchen while I tried to small talk my way out the door, and when I turned away from him he was all over me, literally. I seriously had to STRUGGLE to get away, saying “no” and “stop” was doing no ■■■■■■■ good, I had to shove this prick with every muscle I had to stop him. He of course awkwardly apologized after, and I left without telling him what an ■■■■■■■ he was. I decided in that moment NOT to tell my husband, who in the midst of grief (and already a very jealous person) may have gone straight over there and murdered my FIL with his bare hands.

Fast forward to two days ago. I’ve helped my grandfather in-law move out of that house and into an apartment closer to me, he’s now living with his son and I still do all of his laundry/shopping/etc. Since my MIL’S death, he’s been incredibly affectionate with everyone, letting family know he loves them, hugging us all regularly, etc. It’s warmed my heart in a way that I wouldn’t trade for the world! My OWN maternal grandfather sexually abused me as a child, and my paternal grandfather is a chauvinistic prick who lives 1000miles away, so my husband’s grandfather has started to feel like the only real grandpa-figure I’ve ever had! I thought it was a little strange that he’s been giving me a kiss on the neck when he hugs me lately, but I did all I could to tell myself I was reading too much into it, it was probably just really sweet, he has after all treated me like family also. Then when I was hugging him to leave (two days ago), he got all doe-eyed and ■■■■■■■ kissed me on the mouth. Of COURSE I didn’t shove him the way I did my FIL, he would’ve fallen and broken bones had I done anything like that, but I did have to crane out of that liplock like a ■■■■■■■ Matrix movie, IT WAS NOT A FAMILY KISS. It was lusty, I definitely know the difference, I feel sick again just typing it. He tried to keep it going and went in for another even. I nearly vomited on the spot, so I just grabbed my ■■■■, said goodbye with a smile and left immediately.

This is really ■■■■■■■ me up in the head, I thought of him as my own grandfather figure… Feelings I’ve suppressed over the years about my grandfather’s actions have been surging back, I feel like I can’t tell my husband, can I not tell ANYONE?! What the ■■■■ do I do NOW?! Am I cursed??? Weve been trying to find/buy a 4bdrm house to move him in with us!!! The whole “I’m dead and this is hell” has seemed WAY TOO ■■■■■■■ PLAUSIBLE LATELY.

#2

I know this is long, but please read through it, anyone… I desperately need a fresh pair of eyes on this!!!

#3

I’m so sorry you’ve been going through that. As a victim of sexual abuse I understand how scary that is

I know you don’t want to but I think you should tell your husband. Shouldering these events by yourself could break anyone. Right now you need support.

Also you shouldn’t have to move in with someone that has sexually assaulted you.

If you ever need to talk or vent you can always talk to me

#4

I want to tell my husband everything, so badly, but I’m really afraid it will go badly!!! First of all, he DEFINITELY will confront the father in-law, and it may (probably) get physical. And second, I’m like 75% sure he will resent or blame me in some way for bringing this on him. Yeah that may seem backwards and ■■■■■■ up, but it’s just the way he is…

#5

If he resents you for being sexually assaulted by his family you need to leave his ass cause that’s ■■■■■■■

As for him getting physical that’s not good either.

Is there anyone else you can talk to that can help??

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#6

There’s literally no one. As a SZA I’ve either ostracized or just disappeared all of my friends over the years, and my sister who was always my bff turned into a junkie p.o.s. and we dont talk anymore. I talked to my mom about it a little, but she didn’t know wtf to say. My therapist is booked for at least a week.

I want to tell him, get all of this ■■■■ off my chest, but he and I have already been so strained since his mom died, and as ■■■■■■ as it is I know he will resent me for putting any of this on HIS shoulders. Our relationship needs some work… or maybe it IS doomed, I’m just dealing with one crisis at a time lmao

#7

Wanted to clarify about my sister…
I have nothing personally against anyone who has had substance abuse problems, been there myself. What makes her a p.o.s. is that she abandoned her 4 kids and brings nothing but pain to my mother who is now raising them. She’s living her best life, not spending a dime or a minute on them, and is a horrible ■■■■■■■ person.

#8

You have got to speak up for yourself. You’re not responsible for how your husband reacts, that’s his choice, but you are responsible for your own comfort. Don’t put up with something that makes you feel awful. You are deserving of better than that. I understand things are strained right now, but you are a part of the relationship, so if being harassed strains you it’ll strain him too because you are a team and he can pick up on your mood. Good luck, I wish you the best.

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#9

Wow.

That is all terrible.

If I were you, I would avoid all these people who have made sexual advances towards you and think about seeing a therapist.

If you can’t talk to your husband, you need to talk to someone.

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#10

Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that your FIL almost raped you. This isn’t a time to coach his grief. Your FIL is an attempted rapist.

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#11

You need to tell your husband. You could wait until your therapist can see you and bring him into the session with you so there’s a third party to help smooth things out.

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#12

Tell your husband and if he blames you, get out.

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#13

What a shitty situation. You don’t have to put up with that half-senile loser. Run for the hills.

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#14

Honestly talk to your husband cause sexual assault isn’t ok you deserve better.

If he resents you for being put in a horrible situation like that tell him to ■■■■ off. Like you shouldn’t have to put up with that. Regardless of if he’s grieving or not.

Like he should be there for you

#15

This reminds me of the last article I wrote. It was about how being poor makes women more vulnerable to sexual misconduct.

I’m not saying you’re poor. Just reminded me of my own experiences while working cleaning for some neighbors.

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#16

I would not go anywhere near, someone who is sexually harassing you. If your husband doesn’t understand, that’s his problem.

#17

I think your husband should know about what they did. Otherwise it might happen again. If he confronts them that would seem like a huge deterrent to them ever trying that again.They might even be preying on you because of your mental illness which is predator behaviour and makes them scum.

If they feel they can get away with making unwanted sexual advances without any consequences they most likely will keep doing it.

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#18

Tell your husband about your FIL and about your grandfather-in-law. Also, do not let either of these people move in with you under any circumstances. For that reason alone, you need to tell your husband.

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#19

Thank you all, I really appreciate everyone on this forum so much!
I did talk to my husband. He took it a lot better than I expected, I am still a little worried it might come to blows when he sees FIL next… but it would serve that prick right after years of inappropriate behavior.
And as far as the grandfather in-law situation, the talk of moving him in with us is now off the table, and I wont be going to his house alone anymore. THAT part of the conversation took some convincing, husband didn’t want to believe it was anything more than an innocent family kiss. I can understand WHY he would want that to be nothing, I’m sure it’ll be incredibly uncomfortable when we have to deal with it/him, and handling awkward confrontations is not at all in his wheelhouse. So I had to give him all the gritty details to get him to admit that it was over the line. Wish I didn’t have to put those images in his head, but as a therapy-going survivor of rape I know that this is not MY fault.

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#20

And my therapist has fit me in for today, so I’ll have her to help me with all of this now. My head is still spinning and I still feel nauseous everytime the images pop back into my head (once an hour or so). And I’m hoping I can get hubby to come to therapy WITH me. Fingers crossed!
Thank you everyone, this forum is a lifesaver sometimes!!! Xoxo

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