I must be an oppositional person

In another forum, when I see that posters are tearing down an easy target I’ll want to send a deliberately restrained response that tries to sound reasonable. I think I do it just be a contrarian. Oh look at me I’m so special and civilized when the rest of you are only after gratuitous justice. Then, in probably the next topic, I may post mischievous banter while everyone is in deep discussion. And I only realize it after it’s done, not before I do it. Why I’m like this is that I probably don’t know how to act in a real situation. Is this relatable?

This is an ordinary example just to illustrate, my choice of appearance and how I behave often follows this policy if it doesn’t conflict with my fears. One day in my dreams a president will give me a bravery medal.


Maybe it’s your form of personal entertainment

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It very well could be because I’m in a friendless predicament of four years and I now talk to myself or to an invisible audience. I worry about talking to myself in public. Thanks for listening btw. Even my posts here are generally directed to anyone listening. I’m not sad or anything. My depression is due to depression.

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I had imaginary friends into my 30s. It’s ok that you imagine an audience. Life is hard when you’re lonely. Do what you can to be kind to yourself.

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Okie dokey. My therapist told me similar
to stop being hard on myself. Alrighty!

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You have been on this forum for nearly 2 years and only had one flag. I think your people skills are just fine, at least for us weirdos.

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Thank you, ninjastar and Pianogal! I think that flag was early when I thought I could dump edgy paranoia thoughts and problems into post salad. Four years made me someone who struggles finding words face to face. Before that my go to social strategy was to say what I sense the other person wants to hear. I had learned that from books and love-bombing from a well-known cult. But knowing it was effective built up guilt because I was playing with peoples’ feelings. The guilt turned to ambivalence and I exited like a coward.

Well 2021 is here and I have to acknowledge my brain every time it makes me re-live that last phone call.


I think a difference of opinion is healthy, you just got to check with yourself that you don’t disagree out of spite.

It’s brave to launch a different view against a majority of people because it’s hard to gain recognition and validity, and you risk being alienated, but all revolutions has started this way I guess. It’s a important way to make progress for human kind.

Think out of the box…

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If you keep talking to an invisible audience, you’ll develop voices. Try to stop if you can.

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The voices I’ve had near sleep are mostly incomplete messages. The only complete phrases I’ve gotten were “be careful what you wish for” and “it’s real.” It is scary entertaining the idea that they might get worse and become like actual entities rather than like ghosts of the past. I’d have to do like Eleanor Longden does.