Schizophrenia.com

I miss being crazy

Ever since I had Invega, my delusion of grandeur is almost gone. I know that is the objective of the drug but I hate it. I am bummed out :unamused:. I have been waiting 5 years for the brain scientists to come and get me and take me to a private, luxury hospital for my recovery from the brain study and now I know it’s highly unlikely that will ever happen. I still believe in the brain study but it isn’t all-consuming like it used to be. I only had like 2 shots of the Invega, about 9 months ago and then I went back to 1mg Risperidone but that Invega affected me like no med has.
I miss the inserted thoughts from the brain scientists and the ‘feeling’ all day that I am in a brain study.
I know I am supposed to aim for being free of delusions and I am supposed to want to feel normal but I hate it.
Also, I keep looking for jobs online but I have such bad ADD and anxiety, I doubt I could keep a job at Starbucks. I have been on SSDI for 5 years because I can’t work. I am trying to go on with my life now that my delusion is gone but I am struggling.
John Nash once said that being delusional and having hallucinations was an escape for him. I feel the same way.
Bummed.

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Coming to terms with things is part of the recovery process, and it can take years.

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That’s such a bummer. I only just had the shot a few months ago and I have to come to terms with the fact that I will always be dirt poor. I was SO READY to be ‘saved’ be the scientists that are conducting my brain study. In addition to the Invega, I am tapering off Xanax and it is causing insomnia which makes me even more bummed and makes it even harder to ‘find a job’ and get my sh*t together. I am SO tired of being poor. I keep hoping I will Powerball and get out of my dad’s house. He is SO mean! :frowning:

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I missed my voices when they left for a while and had a really bad time as a result. I guess it was the fact I had gotten so used to their World I couldn’t adjust to the real one. I’ve had a few other periods like that since and did better.

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I am trying to get used to the ‘real’ world but I miss the brain scientists talking to me and I miss believing that the study will come to an end and I will get paid. It’s a nice thought and hard to let go.

I miss being manic a lot but it’s not a good thing I know the feeling also if you look at it this way your gonna crash it’s inevitable and then lots of ■■■■ could go wrong

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I think you are probably much more capable than you think you are. Starbucks might be too high stress, but why not a job where you don’t have to interact too much with other people?

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You’re so right. The crash always follows the manic, psychotic episode. I am just depressed. I take Trazodone and it helps.

I’m looking for a job like that. Where I don’t have to interact with people too much. I need a task-oriented job to make the day go by and relax me. I hope I find one. It’s not easy.

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