I May Never Know

I may never know if it was true
The pill I was given to sleep that painted world so blue
That night at boarding school
Like the man who dashed to his death
I woke up and didn’t have a clue
Just distances re-arranged, angels in the snow
If it was a lie I still may never know
The cold water was hot the water was cruel
I may never know if it was even true
The battle between mind and madness
My refusal to conform to this abuse
The hours of isolation, the seconds waiting
Until my mental state broke from its misuse
I don’t think anyone will ever understand
Just how conflicted I am
How sometimes the confusion
Makes me wonder if it was all just a delusion
The patterns match but nothing matters
Lies trump truth and lies are better
It makes fat men laugh and bad men free
The battle between me and my sanity
The battle they fought
Have they really saved me from my insanity
When I was raped and covered in shame
When I was raped and madness was to blame.