I talked with my wife about possibly going back. I’ve been out of the hospital for only a month. But I’m still having really bad homicidal ideation. Even when I’m at work. I just want to make sure I’m safe and others are safe just in case. There is more to the homicidal ideation thatbreally scares me. But my wife is scared too. All of this is scary and I just want to be well.
I hope @FadeToBlack responds. this is just to tag her.
I really feel for you. There is nothing worse than being afraid and fearful as a result of your own thoughts. Hospital sounds like the place to be.
Thank you. Its just difficult cause im the only one who can work to support my family. So i kinda have to plan my own breakdown and hospitalization. But if i feel dangerous, i have to go regardless.
I understand your concerns. I used to get command hallucinations telling me to kill other people, and it used to really wear me down having to constantly put up with that.
What I would do is seek out a medical professional and tell them everything and let them help you
Don’t hold back.
This is what used to happen to me when I reached breaking point
It led to voluntary hospitalisation rather than forced on several occasions. Which means more freedom and privileges when you’re in there
I also have to work to support myself, but I can imagine the added stress of family as well can really ramp up the pressure.
Another thing I’d suggest is looking at your life, and make the decision as to whether the job you’re doing is causing some of your pain
It sure as hell was for me. It was like a revolving door back into hospital for years.
Now I broke that cycle. You can too.
Not sure how long you have been dealing with SZ for, but the above is just a bitesize from the last 17 years
I am not perfect, I can just relate to what you’re going through
Hope you can get through this
I deal with the violent homicidal thought feelings and visuals. The med tamps it down for me.
You should atleast tell your pdoc its not muted or gone away yet and they can adjust your med.
i had a lot of homicidal ideation… voices told me to kill people and i saw bloody flashes…
It’s scary especially cos you don’t want to hurt anyone
Yes, be safe. Be thankful for your wife. It’ll get better.
Thats exactly whats going on and it targets my family and those i care for at my work. How do you handle it?
well they upped my dose of APs mainly and they tried to keep the people i had the thoughts about a bit at distance from me.
What I do myself is i try to not start obsessing over it… like try to get my mind on other things… it’s not easy though…
I just switched jobs and its very low stress. But it is the stress and pressure of bills and having to be all the support that made everything ramp up. My wife knows whats going on and we have a plan. I have therapy tomorrow morning and im gonna be totally honest and express my concerns. I just want my family safe cause these things are scaring me. Like telling me to get stuff to hurt others and i get involutarily aroused by these thoughts. And tomorrow ill go to the crisis center and stay a night then if it is still bad go to the hospital sunday night.
Its hard cause i cant keep them at a distance as they are my wife and kids. Its just getting stronger. Im at an 8 out of 10, 10 being the worst. My brain is flooded. The voice keeps putting them there. And lucifer is talking to me again. They just upped my meds on monday.
I am not sure about hospitals, when there we wish to be home, I think home is my ideal place to be, relax, listen to some music, drink hot chocolate.
talk to a friend maybe
Try a stronger antipsychotic. I am violent off meds but now its down by 80% with Risperdal 4mg. Off meds or when smoking weed I tried to kill my brother with knives twice.
Im on 10mg of olanzapine. Along with 3 other meds. Still trying to find what works. Im not violent but scared i cant contain it much longer.
Thats the minimum dose. Ask your psychiatrist about your symptoms, I think he will raise it. Btw Zyprexa 15mg didn’t work for my psychosis. Now I am on Risperdal.
They arted me off at 2.5mg then 5mg and now at 10mg that ibstarted monday. So idk when ill be able to raise it again. I was on risperdal months ago it had too many side effects for me. It made me sleepwalk and i would wet my pants and i couldnt keep doing that.
I have never been violent, still, yesterday i had intrusive thoughts that said i should kill a random guy. It was like an obsession (OCD). I hate it.
But then i began to ironize over it and make it to a kind of joke - “yeah sure, you are just the perfect killer” etc… After a while i couldn’t take it serious anymore and the thoughts floated away.
Hope you find some relieve from your thoughts or you can be able to rationalize your homicidal ideation. .