He put a seed of chaos in my soul to see what would happen. The watchers and the government observe me.
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i thought like that once then i found they don’t care, and that chaos that was all in your mind . its a thing you have over come years ago but hits on you now and then.
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My head is full of chaos. Too psychotic for OCD, too sane for schizophrenia. The voices are not hallucinations. They are in my thoughts. I thought they were beings, but they’re not. Maybe. The chaos entangles itself with the inner workings of my mind. I come out of it. That’s how I explain my middleness. It is my theory.
Are you a Christian? Did you grow up going to Church?
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I am not a Christian. I’ve been to church before. It was nice but I don’t really believe like a Christian.
I need help this is crazy. My mom says all my theories are delusions.
No I have to make it to Thursday. I’ll get help then.
I have a problem because everything makes me feel suicidal.
I think your mom is right. You have delusions
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I have my ideas about the world. This theory makes sense to me. But so does every theory I have. I have not forgotten my old theories. My mind jumps around from place to place.
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It’s quite common for people to have spiritual and governmental beliefs when in psychosis. Get help. See a doctor. Talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. I know it’s hard but with help it will pass… I’ve believed I was the messiah and that the government was watching me. With medication and support you’ll recover
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My mom says the chaos can be good. A flood of ideas is not a bad thing. I’ll tell you though it feels pretty bad. Lots of people have voices in their thoughts, I know that’s not anything abnormal. But my voices are not helpful. They are chaotic in a bad way. Yelling things at me. I think many people have the chaos seed. We are being experimented on.
How do you stop thinking something? This idea plays over and over in my head.
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Sounds like a horrible delusion. Cant give any advice - just empathy - i struggle with the same.
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I’m trying to make this conversation recovery oriented but it’s hard because I think it’s true. Like, I think it’s true but I know it’s a delusion. More like I’m trying to convince myself it’s a delusion.
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Yeah i know what you mean. You maybe wanna believe its real but your rationalising it at the same time. Its that confusion that causes me distress also.
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I really hope you can get some help, with your mom out of the room, very soon.
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What you are saying makes sense. We have struggled and do struggle in the same way as you. I have said in counseling most of what you have written here.
You are brilliant. You’ve been given a mind that is intelligent. You analyze, decipher, and decode even your own thoughts. But you have a mind that is overtaxed and exhausted. It needs a break.
You question whether or not you have schizophrenia. I did, too. We all probably have. I have severe OCD also. If you want, I can explain to you what that looks like in my life.
It is possible to live on the threshold of extreme stress caused by the OCD for so long that you begin to hallucinate. You start to question thought or voice, voice or thought. You begin to doubt real or not real.
I think you have enough insight to know that what you are experiencing is disorder, it’s chaos. Read through the list of schizophrenia symptoms and see if you can relate to any other ones.
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@Naarai: Yeah, it’s like 2 parts of you are fighting.
@brandotron: I think it’ll be okay. The new pdoc needs my whole history and there’s some stuff I don’t remember. She should be there.
@FlyingPurplePeopleMeeter: I need a break from my mind. I know it’s a disorder but it seems like so much more than that. Like there has to be some grander explanation as to why I don’t really fit the disgnosis of OCD or schizophrenia. I don’t hallucinate and I don’t have compulsions. My voices are primarily in my thoughts, though sometimes I can hear them coming from the inside of my ears. I’ve had hallucinations before, but they were few and most were mild. More like disturbances than hallucinations. I had derealization. I had intrusive thoughts. All of my symptoms have been helped by APs and antidepressants, so obviously something has gone awry in my brain, but I just don’t think it’s that simple. I think my affliction has a supernatural cause.
I don’t think God is experimenting with you. I think you have some problems that you need to be open and honest about Thursday when you see your pdoc. Tell them everything, regardless of what your mother says. Let them help you. It’s what they’re there for.
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