Schizophrenia.com

I like insight, but I think I like hindsight better


#1

I was 17 when I had my swan song of a psychotic episode hit me. That was when I got my shiny new SZ badge.

I was chased down and taken in by force. Yes, my 6 year old sidekick was with me. It was ugly. My psychosis was a healthy mix of my previous labels combined, (PTSD, schizoaffective disorder) mixed with way to many drugs. Blew my head wide open…

It took me ages to stabilize and I was so out of it I could barely function. I remember thinking that I was in a foreign jail and I was going to get away from these captors and escape. However I was so confused by the green moat I never got further then the door. (the green moat being the lawn)

I was having a hard time understanding anything they said. I refused to eat, I refused to bathe, I refused everything. As a result my parents refused to let my 6 year old sidekick come and see me.

Even as I got more stable and slightly more lucid, they still refused. I hated them for that. It’s sad to say, but that was something I was sure I would never forgive them of. The anger turned to hate and that made the anger build and I could do nothing but get angrier and hate more.

My parents were firm. There was NO way my sidekick would be allowed to see me if I was going to be this abusive, this angry, this hateful. I tried to clean it up, but I wasn’t very convincing. My sidekick was still not allowed to visit.

Waves of anger and hate all over again. But finally I was just too tired to be that angry and then my sidekick was allowed to visit.

In hindsight, I am so very grateful that she never saw me at my worst like that. (How horrid and hard would that have been for a 6 year old?)

Not seeing me… What a blessing in disguise. I’m sitting here trying to find a way to tell my parents thank you for that. Thank you for standing strong. I am sorry for all that resentment back then, but I’m grateful now.

I was also wondering, what made you angry then that you’re grateful for now?


#2

My parents wanted me to tackle my obesity issue and I was so in love with eating that I took it to mean they didn’t love me. Now that I weigh 120 pounds, I am grateful as I feel much better.


#3

This one time I was taken to a crisis assessment center by seven cops. I was angry and delusional and I was being aggressive towards my friends, and so they were like “■■■■ this” and my mom called the police and said “we have a psychotic, drunk and on prescription meds 20 year old who knows krav maga, and he’s being aggressive” and so seven cops came in my kitchen and took me to a crisis assessment center for the night. I was delusionally angry at my friends (I thought they werent my friends, I was psychotic) but now I am glad I was taken in, I needed it. I was raving mad. I was too paranoid to sign the reports they presented me with, so it isn’t on my health records or anything.

This was over a year ago and before my diagnosis, so I was without insight. Once I got diagnosed I didn’t get like that ever again, I knew I was sick and did well to ignore my symptoms for the most part, but I still believed in my more plausible delusions. It was a reality check for me, I realized that something was really wrong with me when I was handcuffed and escorted by a whole bunch of cops to a crisis assessment center. That kind of saturday night just isnt normal. I took a formal evaluation about a month later, I wanted to know exactly what was wrong, so I kind of am grateful for the whole incident.


#4

I used to have deep anger over losing my career and not having a gf because of my illness and the meds I had been on had bad sexual side effects so I was suicidal and angry…I got on new meds, and all my anger subsided because I figured out that I could actually live a happy life…meds are really important to me that have no side effects…I’m on prolixin now and happier than ever (as much as I can be, still no gf)…but I am grateful that I can at least have “hope” now…?


#5

I know what you mean about wanting a girlfriend. I havent had once since high school. I put most of my energy into lifting weights and school, I find I don’t like feeling dependent on others for my happiness. I’m open to whatever but I have learned to live without. Lifting heavier weights and making A’s seem to work for me. You can control your grades and how much weight you lift, but you can’t make someone like you.

To be honest I just think that it would be too hard to tell someone about my condition. I did date a girl a few times but she quit answering my texts and calls all of a sudden. School is my life, the grades I make these days are the foundation for the rest of my life…so I keep my priorities straight. I’ve seen multiple friends withdrawal and go back home from college because of girls.

But if relationships are what works for you, pursue them! I just don’t really need them, I do fine on my own and to be honest dating can be a pain for me, just pretending to be perfectly normal is painful. How is a relationship supposed to work if the other person doesn’t really know me?


#6

I am learning that being alone isn’t so bad as I at first thought after my divorce…I was pretty bitter just a month or so ago, but it’s now all melted away to hope for the future…


#7

all right - slightly totally off topic - u just reminded me: ur ‘kidnappers’ delusion is the cutest delusion I ever heard of. If I were a parent of a child who would ‘save’ my other child from kidnappers-even-tho-grade-school-they-were I’d probably be like: I commend ur courage and generally outstanding performance under duress - but from now on this family is going - I donno - vegan - e.i. no milk cartons ever again…


#8

Oh man, the milk cartons… Those were a killer to me. I used to collect them and make my siblings read them so they would know that EVERYONE was kidnapper. It was just last month that I found a huge box of them. It took a while, but I was able to let them go and burn them.


#9

well - yes, dear - that’s what I am referring to - ur milk carton expose


#10

i read your post …but the only thing i could concentrate on and saw was that you got a ’ shiny new sz badge’
how !
where !
where is mine ?
i did not get one !
i want one, NOW !
take care


#11

all right - how about tricking all mentals into wearing a shiny badge (for - I donno - public safety) - like - no, u don’t understand - it’s very cool to wear one and everybody is going to be super jealous because they are not special enough. Also, it would be awesome to run into other badge-wearers and salute them with a sense of solidarity and in a manner of quite dignity - like: Commendatore!


#12

From Autism, ADD, PTSD, Asperger’s, on and on and on… that’s a lot of metal.


#13

i like badges, i am actually pretty jealous of J having one…and i like switches,
on
off
on
off
take care


#14

I did not mean to be insensitive - I just find the possibility of recognizing ‘my people’ from afar kinda funny