I was 17 when I had my swan song of a psychotic episode hit me. That was when I got my shiny new SZ badge.
I was chased down and taken in by force. Yes, my 6 year old sidekick was with me. It was ugly. My psychosis was a healthy mix of my previous labels combined, (PTSD, schizoaffective disorder) mixed with way to many drugs. Blew my head wide open…
It took me ages to stabilize and I was so out of it I could barely function. I remember thinking that I was in a foreign jail and I was going to get away from these captors and escape. However I was so confused by the green moat I never got further then the door. (the green moat being the lawn)
I was having a hard time understanding anything they said. I refused to eat, I refused to bathe, I refused everything. As a result my parents refused to let my 6 year old sidekick come and see me.
Even as I got more stable and slightly more lucid, they still refused. I hated them for that. It’s sad to say, but that was something I was sure I would never forgive them of. The anger turned to hate and that made the anger build and I could do nothing but get angrier and hate more.
My parents were firm. There was NO way my sidekick would be allowed to see me if I was going to be this abusive, this angry, this hateful. I tried to clean it up, but I wasn’t very convincing. My sidekick was still not allowed to visit.
Waves of anger and hate all over again. But finally I was just too tired to be that angry and then my sidekick was allowed to visit.
In hindsight, I am so very grateful that she never saw me at my worst like that. (How horrid and hard would that have been for a 6 year old?)
Not seeing me… What a blessing in disguise. I’m sitting here trying to find a way to tell my parents thank you for that. Thank you for standing strong. I am sorry for all that resentment back then, but I’m grateful now.
I was also wondering, what made you angry then that you’re grateful for now?