I knew that wouldnt last. I need to vent

I knew that wouldn’t last (the feeling of feeling less symptomatic), people make me so symptomatic and delusional, sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing things in response to a delusion. I’m really paranoid of life and what people do. My boyfriend said I should just go to the hospital instead of vacation. He has needs and wants too I understand, and it hurts him for me to be irritable and pick fights. He gets so nasty. If you start with him, he “pays back”, and it drives me to suicidal thoughts and tears. I cant stand his spite, but I have no other way of communicating my needs. I was good when I had more to do in my life, now I don’t know what volunteer job I can do.

I’m honestly too intimidated, and the stupid hospital I want to volunteer at says specifically “must have 2 references from former bosses to talk about former work experience, teachers, or clergy” “no family, or friends can be listed” THAT IS A MAJOR BLOW!!! Then when I was leaving the hospital, I saw a lady that sees the future, senses things, she made me put her number in my phone. totally triggered me. As I was riding my bike home, I saw a girl that used to flirt with my bf a few blocks away from us, and she was dressed all in black, I thought she was sleeping with him. My memory fails me to think if his brother was at the house before I left, and he forced me out of the house, then he was playing his video games, and told me to get out of the bedroom because I was talking too much, and he was focusing on his game. I thought "hes just trying to hide a girl and I visualized the girl in black, then made the connection she couldn’t be here, I just seen her somewhere else. I still had it in my head he was hiding something, so I gave him a hard time… at the end of the night, he said I should give him more respect. He doesn’t listen when I explain what I’m venting, and he doesn’t help me out with my thinking because my mind tries to hide it, and I’m secretive living in all these inner thoughts.

Try venting to us, and if you have one, a therapist instead. He doesn’t handle it well at all. It’s good to talk about it and this forum is a safe place, as would be a therapist. Do you think you need the hospital?

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I was at my therapist today, but I talked about so much, she said I couldn’t get any kid of med change until mid June when I see my new dr. She just cant prescribe stuff without knowing me first, and that’s the earliest appointment. I don’t want to go to the hospital because I take a while to adjust to meds, and respond. I would rather get better at home

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I understand not wanting to go to the hospital. I hate psych wards. Keep talking to us then to get you through to your appointment.

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Ok, why do some people make me delusional? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in this world that actually understands the stuff that’s not seen

I think they just trigger delusional thoughts. Certain types of people trigger a lot of paranoia for me so I get it.

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is there a way to brave past the situations? I’ve been trying to think less in situations, trying to have normal perceptions, but then when I leave it hurts just as much as it would if I were to let it take over when I was around them

I’m having a similar problem. Hopefully someone else here has suggestions

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That lady had so much “witch craft” imbedded in her, if I took a glimpse at her facebook profile pic, misfortune happened, and right before it happened, I had awful nightmares as if I wasn’t taking any meds at all. So when I saw her, I knew she wanted something for her own personal gain. People just cant be “nice”

I don’t even know if I did a good job on my art, and I cant keep asking my boyfriend if it looks alright, because if he sees if I put a lot of time into it, he will just lie that its good, and I don’t like when people lie to me, I want them to be honest and tell the truth. I split it up into days (the same art piece), and it threw me off because some days my mind is more clearer than the other, and if I force myself to do something it never turns out right.

I cant cook, not allowed to even make a grilled cheese anymore, I didn’t put enough butter in a stainless steal pan, and it smoked and the bread got really burnt a few weeks ago, now I screwed up a smoothie today. I threw the whole can of peaches with tons of syrup in small ninja cup, with a half a banana,two frozen strawberries and yogurt. It filled to the tippy top, and I tried to screw on the lid that it over flowed and he got pissed that I at least didn’t do it over the sink, and then I blended it all together, it leaked in the blender. To top it off the smoothie was DISGUSTING!

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Try withdrawing into the safe place behind the wall of the mind. I know you need to clear out a little space free of all the old clutter you have. But maybe try matching the metaphor of watching thru the window of the fort you are inside. Dont shoot at or run away from what you see from inside. Just be a witness and with patience(not easy I know) you will find that what you see does not have to lead to physical reactions and can be viewed, whatever it is, until it changes back to the normal view. Message me anytime you want. I might take a while to answer though since my time is India time.

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I think you’re struggling because right now your mind is unclear. I think you need a med adjustment. Try to soothe yourself somehow like a hot bath or coloring. Tell the dr when you get your appointment what’s going on. It will get better.

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MI people need heroes beside them, regular people can’t help us because its too hard to deal with a MI person,
My family are heroes,
Hope you better days,

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it’s hard, it even followed me in my sleep, I dreamt I drove to a party in the country, and my bf found out about my account on here, so I had it in my head he is going to see all the negative I wrote about him. When I woke up I started asking him questions that meant if he answered a certain way, he wont find out about it. I think about other things in this way too. This is just an example.

I cant just look for a house keys without thinking “ok, this is holding me up, its happening for a reason, maybe God is guiding me and stopping me from going somewhere, avoiding some place or person” I feel like that’s what happens when I try to make decisions on my own, when the ball is in my boyfriends court, I feel like I’m safe, and his control is more Holy. He has better things attached to him

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I have a coloring book I bought at the dollar store, that’s a good idea

I know I need a med change but maybe I should go in as a walk-in just to get these unclear thoughts out of my head instead of waiting till the last week of June. I want some relief

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I know I may have to go for clozapine. Tired of hearing people talk about me

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That might be a good idea.

I went, they gave me fluphenazine, and cogentin

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