I can’t cook. I just can’t. It’s not because I don’t want to. I do not have the energy. When I wake up I am just dead, I’m a zombie. Even something as simple as putting something in the toaster and then buttering it, even JUST having to butter something, is a deterrent to me making it, takes too much energy. I don’t know how to explain that. So if there’s not something I can just grab and eat for breakfast I just don’t eat. And then because I don’t eat I am fatigued and drained & don’t have energy to do anything for lunch either.
I usually don’t eat until like 3 pm & then it’s to go out for fast food or Starbucks bc I do not have the energy to cook. How does it take less energy to get dressed and drive somewhere and buy food than to cook? I don’t know. But that’s how my brain works. So then I just have empty calories filled w fat and salt and no nutrients. For dinner sometimes our mom cooks. But a lot of the time I work and miss dinner. As I am from a big family there are not usually leftovers. If that happens I either eat out again or I just don’t eat dinner and end up eating some crappy microwave meal at like 11 pm or midnight.
This is not sustainable. It adds to my exhaustion. In college when I had dining hall access I improved my energy a lot. But now I suffer daily and feel like a zombie. I just need to be fed. My parents ask how they can help, literally I just need to be fed. That’s it.
summary: I’ve been starving & malnourished again, I can’t feed myself, no energy I don’t know what to do
I’m worried for you. Sounds like you were depressed in the mornings. When I was depressed I did not have energy to get up from the bed and to cook breakfast. So could you go see your Pdoc and tell him all about this sort of thing? You need help.
I’ve lost 7 nearly 8 lbs recently but that is because the xyrem takes away my appetite during the day. Normally I do not lose weight bc of the fast food I eat being high in calorie content.
My mom thinks I am lazy when I wake up and ask her to make me a simple breakfast but it is so important and hugely helpful to me and can totally change the outcome of the day. Starting w breakfast means I can have energy to figure out lunch and dinner. No food at the start of the day basically means I just don’t eat all day until I binge on fast food/microwave meals at night.
I can’t tell if I am depressed or not. Lately I guess I sort of am, but it may also just be that I have no energy. Sometimes I feel like I am always depressed because of what I go through. But I know that isn’t true because I have a lot of happiness in my life nowadays too.
sometimes we just dont like food and its probably something we learned growin up, like i always hated going shopping with my mum and i still hate it to this day, never cooked bc my mum did all of that, i guess i still think my mum should be doing it
I have been trying harder lately though, i had a huge incentive recently to make my own fajitas and yesterday i did it and they were amazing (only took 10 mins) and it saved me a fortune as i usually got them in the restaurant for £13 must have only cost at most £5 probably less.
I bought frozen mixed peppers and an onion which i threw into a pan (enough for one) heated it up in some butter and added some fajita mix then added the chicken, put the tortilla bread into the microwave for 30s and then put it out with sauces and cheese lol, so easy and enjoyable to make.
I can’t do anything involving dishes. Even just finding ingredients & pulling them out is exhausting. Sometimes the act of finding the proper dishes tires me out so much I want to cry out of frustration.
I use paper plates and plastic ware, also because cleaning things exhausts me. The most cooking I can do is usually like…boiling things. When I lived alone I made a lot of pasta, hotdogs, pierogies, etc. Idk why boiling is less tiring than using a pan especially when scrambling eggs takes less time than boiling but whatever.
I love hot dogs, i got some recently and they were very tasty, i put them in a bun with some mustard and tomato sauce, delish, also managed to make pasta bolognese recently too, i hear you though it takes a lot of effort, i didnt go shopping for 6 weeks recently and was living on takeaway food, cost me a fortune
I think you should try and save some money and use it for something good, i do this and get myself a reward for saving money, i also give to charity some of my savings and that makes me feel good too. xx
Hard truths time. I think your main struggle is that you don’t feel you deserve healthy food, so you don’t feel any drive to waste it on yourself. After all, cooking yourself food only benefits you, and nobody else. You feel like you’re wasting energy and time on someone who doesn’t deserve it, instead of spending it in more meaningful places. A lot of sexual abuse survivors deal with this mentality. Have you looked any more into actual ptsd counseling?
When you feel like you’re a good person deserving of good things, you tend to feel more motivation to do things that are good for you and only you.
You may have anemia induced by celiac disease. What do you usually get when you go out to eat, a burger? It may be because you’re craving meat as a result of the anemia…don’t beat up on yourself. I always do that and then later find out there was a reason why I was doing it the whole time.
I’ve been tested for anemia a lot but I don’t have it. Though often yes I do crave meat and feel I need more protein so idk. I sort of baffle doctors because they always say I seem like I have this and that but all the tests always come back normal. I feel like I’m the type of person who’s going to mysteriously drop dead one day and they’ll do a full autopsy on me and have absolutely no idea what did it, I’ll be the picture of health.
After this thread and remembering boiling food was doable for me I went to the store and bought a bunch of food I could boil, and I bought healthier microwave options like brown rice/quinoa/kale mix.
@ninjastar I don’t think that’s the case w the food I think it’s just total lack of energy combined lack of motivation from me hating my current weight. Even though I guess I’m only 1 lb overweight. I want to be like 15 lbs lighter so I can be at the middle range of my healthy weight range rather than on the high end.
When I can’t get my weight where I want it to it adds to my feelings of being a failure. I feel like I can’t even control what I eat and feel embarrassed of it. Makes me hate myself for my lack of self discipline, added on w my lack of self discipline in going to the gym. I feel embarrassed that I don’t even have the energy to cook and that makes me feel like a failure too and like I am too dependent. I have a lot of problems with feeling like a failure I guess.
I am with a certified trauma therapist…but the issue is that we’re at a halt because I just don’t want to talk about anything. I just don’t want to. I will literally just make small talk every session because of how much I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know how to overcome that.
I’d make some giant blueberry pancakes for ya. Double the eggs. Maybe when you find you have enough energy, get some plastic ware to store meals, and make some breakfast ahead of time, then freeze them and reheat when you want them?
Maybe you can write down a list of concrete mental health goals you want to achieve through therapy, and then ask your therapist what steps you need to take to achieve them. My therapist gives me boatloads of homework each week. I say it’s basically like taking a class in how to like myself. Some of it is very hard. My therapist helped me come up with some goals. They are
Do something that benefits me and nobody else at least three times a week.
Stop being afraid of going to sleep
Feel safe when I am by myself
Feel like I am worthy of existing even when I’m not actively helping someone.
I have actually gotten way better with the first one and have done several hobby things that I just wanted to do this year like taking an art class and Japanese and whatnot. 2 and 3 hoo boy, I have been working on those since I got into therapy as main goals of mine and have had minimal to no success. Probably because my psychosis is not stable and I have no guarantee of safety when I go to bed so I can’t exactly tell myself I’ll be safe and nothing will happen. Hence why I keep trying to find a good AP. Until then I pretty much have to drug myself to sleep at night & keep benzos nearby for emergencies.
The last one is something I never really thought about. But reading it I can identify with it. I guess I feel like if I don’t contribute something to the world then I may as well be a waste of space. But I figured that was a common feeling, everyone wants to be accomplished and leave their own mark.
My therapist says I see myself as a human doing, not a human being. Because I measure my value as a person by what I contribute to the world. I’m working on recognizing that I have inherent value and deserve compassion and respect even if I produce nothing useful to others.