making steps towards recovery is hard. I got a job as a hostess and I’m doing well at it so far I think, but despite it being a simple job I end every shift so exhausted. I don’t mind just being tired, but I also have had a hard time sleeping so my exhaustion on top of not being able to fall asleep leads my mind to bad places and I start to hate myself. I think about all the times I was awkward speaking during the day (especially to the other hostesses since I’m gonna keep seeing them) and about little mistakes that don’t matter much but irritate other people around me who know how everything works already.
I’m trying my hardest, and that’s really all that matters but I hate feeling like an outsider and getting in the way of others, it makes me wish I didn’t exist (not in a suicidal way, but like, wish I wasn’t born or could fade away entirely or something)
all i can say is to take time off if it is needed, you can get sick days i think,
and try not to sweat about the little things, i know its easy to say but it is better not to dwell too much on things, look forward with optimism. take care.
Most jobs have a learning curve. Ideally, they want you to be perfect and learn the job perfect in a day or two. But realistically, they know you’re going to make a few mistakes and it will take a little while for you to get down the routine and learn the job well.
My first job was a dishwasher. My first week I was constantly asking the waitresses where the clean glasses get put away or where do the clean mugs go, or the silverware etc. I picked up on a little impatience on the part of a few of the waitresses but hey, if I didn’t ask, how was I supposed to know??? I eventually learned to be a pretty good dishwasher, so good that I got promoted to cook which was the job every dishwasher coveted. You’ll learn and be fine.