I just screwed up

I just screamed at my roommates while they were in their room. I mean, I had cause to get mad, but I don’t normally get this pissed off. I do this thing where I become like a ■■■■■■■ psychopath sometimes and I can’t quite control myself. It’s when my violent intrusive thoughts are at their worst. I’ve had to do a lot of terrible things and I’ve been abused my entire life. They’re like episodes. Just when I think I’m out, I’m screaming something out with this demonic grin on my face and enjoying every second of it. Usually afterwards I feel good, but now… I just feel sad, empty, and broken. It’s not reserved for friends. It’s usually reserved for enemies, but my roommates really pissed me off. I think I might’ve screwed up really bad. They’ve never seen this side of me before. Until now.


I’m sorry that you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts.

I would apologize to your roommates. They will either accept it or not, but at least you’d be doing the right thing.


What if the reason I got mad constituted this reaction?

is this something that happens with schizophrenics. I am undiagnosed, but I have literally almost all of the symptoms.

Well, to some degree. Kinda, I have enough I’ve done research and analyzed my symptoms. I have enough and more.

I didn’t sleep last night.

Did someone ever bully you or abuse you in some way? Maybe when you’re under stress you have a flashback (PTSD) and get very mad at people who remind you of that.

I have list of people who have tried to kill me, and I returned the favour to one of them as a child. My parents both sexually assaulted me, although I have no idea how many times. They also both heavily abused me. My father took me to this guys house and he raped me. Fairly certain it was for money. Other sexual things happened with other kids who were also sexually abused while I was a child. The people I live with understand abuse, but I don’t think they really realized what the abuse did to me. (One of them went through more than me by a landslide. She was acting like my old abusers, so I got angry.)

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Also, some other sexual abuse happened with other people, but I don’t really recall it.

You’re one of the Facebooks mentally ill? (The kind who diagnosed itself)

Joke aside… what are your symptoms? If you think you are mentally ill go to the doctor and get a dz.


I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. You must be a very strong person to have survived all of that abuse.

I was also raped. It’s going to take a lot of therapy to come to some sort of peace.

Again, I’m so sorry.

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I see and hear things. I feel things on me. I have delusions, but apparently I have some semblance of insight. I have the negative symptoms, I go through episodes, I sit there not doing anything. I talk aloud without meaning to a lot. I dissociate. I have paranoia. Other things I’m sure, but I’m very sleep deprived and I took an adderall yesterday because I am diagnosed with ADD, even though I think that might have gotten that wrong. I keep seeing my roommates peek their heads out of their door even though they aren’t doing that. They’re probably discussing what to do. Oh, I’m not a strong person. I ran away a lot. Until I didn’t. I just yelled out “I can’t believe there was a moment where I believed that I didn’t go through all of that. Then, last night happened and I suddenly ■■■■■■■ realised that it all really did happen to me. And it was ■■■■■■■ terrible. It made me into a monster.” I had no ■■■■■■■ control over that statement. I thought I was over the episode, but it just came back in a small spurt. Not really to the same level. That’s good. I’m still pissed off. Last night I tried playing in traffic. The cops showed up, for a ■■■■■■■ laugh. You think I’m joking. I’m not. I didn’t know they were there for the most part. I feel like I couldn’t actually see them. I think they were holding me back at a couple of points because it was like I hit this invisible wall and I couldn’t keep going. I also saw a lot of them hiding in the grass. It started out with a hallucination. Then I started seeing them pop up everywhere. There was one point where I was about to run out into the street, but the semi was too close. I couldn’t make it in time. Another point where I was close I got distracted by an ambulance going perpendicular the the street I was on at the light. I thought “Wow that’s ■■■■■■■ irony.” This was before I saw people in the bushes. I saw another ambulance and thought it was a hallucination, but then I thought maybe the police were around. That’s when I saw a shadow person appear across the street in the bushes. It dissapated. I then started seeing things move around. After countless failed attempts to kill myself I eventually said, “Yeah, it’s fairly ■■■■■■■ obvious I’m not going to go through with this.” At that point I yelled out “I keep seeing people over there.” Right as soon as I finished that statement, a cop car turned on it’s lights and sirens. It drove out and I got freaked out. That was hell on my psyche. I thought the cops weren’t there. I have just not seen entire people before.

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I also kept saying a lot of things aloud. Things I probably shouldn’t have. I kept cracking jokes, because that’s what I do when my life is in trouble. I’m not depressed or anything. I just felt that killing myself was the right thing to do. If I had, I wouldn’t have said all of this shitty stuff. I kinda wish I had. I bet my roommates do too.

Wow, you’ve been through a lot.

You said you have some insight. Do you feel suicidal or homicidal right now?

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The best part, (and I mean the worst) Is I didn’t hear myself yell at all. I don’t hear myself talk a lot of the time. I say the things that come into my head without meaning to, and I have verification.

Many people dissociate when under extreme stress. How can you reduce the stress? What makes you feel safe and calm?

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If you saw how she had acted. Lying straight to my face and saying “I was trying to make her into a liar.” She got angry. Oh, man. It was comical, yet definitely infuriating.

I don’t take her lightly, but she doesn’t take me lightly. When she lies, she holds onto that lie. I’ve noticed that about her.

that sourly helped your emotion. don’t you wanna diagnosis?

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Yes, I do. I will be heading in on the 11th.

Of course they’re going to be kinda miffed this morning, but hey, they’re still lying so, I’m sure they’ll gloss over it.