I Just Don't Want This Anymore

I would not say that I am suicidal, I just want to give up. I am so tired of voices telling me horrible things, just when I thought I was doing so much better, and then last night was like the night from hell, voices trying to get me to cut myself, I actually had a razor in my mouth the voices were trying to get me to swallow it. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up. I eventually did fall asleep and felt somewhat better when I woke up I saw the nurse practitioner today, I did not tell him anything, I just told him I want off the zyprexa, he said no, so I told the administrator that from now on I will be refusing it. I am also refusing all my seizure meds, I told her that too, I have not has a seizure in 8 yrs and I take 3 seizure meds. I feel like I take too many meds, I am also on the Haldol dec shot. and I will be refusing that too. I want to knowwhat I feel like med free.

This is not a good thing @Kittycat - this means that you may still need meds, but maybe you can talk to him about your concerns with your meds

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Hi kittycat
Sorry you are struggling hope u reach out and get help

Hello, I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but keep on being strong! Is there anything you can do to make the voices go away, even if only a little? Have you tried drowning them out with music, or changing your environment, like walking around the block, or going for a drive? You probably already have tried those things. I hope you all the best, and have to say, please don’t listen to these voices. And good luck getting off your meds, but beware of withdrawals if you’re going off them cold turkey. It’s not very responsible of your doctor to not titrate you off your meds if that’s what you want to do and have told him that you’re going to get off of them yourself. Hope you feel better off your meds, I’ve been off mine for a few months now, feeling great. Well, too great actually, manic, but on meds I couldn’t function, so this is better. If things get worse, please get help.

Take care!

Keep in mind that you have the potential to do yourself great damage now. If you had swallowed that razor blade you would have had to have surgery. I’m not going to tell you to stay on the Haldol. See if you can take a less harsh med., like Geodon. It does seem like you are over medicated.

Aren’t there antipsychotic that double as seizure medications?

Hello Kittycat,

My advice would be to talk seriously and logically to the voices in your head.

I would exercise at the same time.

Then lie down and sleep and switch off. And then think intensely about something / somebody you love. This should be positive.

Stop taking the meds gradually. Reduce the dosage by degrees.

I hope this helps. Hey I’m not a doctor but I’m schizo. And proud of it.

I don’t know about anti-psych’s. I know there are mood stabilizers that double as anti-seizure med’s.

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That must be what I am thinking about.

**Maybe you should have told the doctor how you are feeling. It`s possible that you may just need to get rid of ONE medication-or one of the seizure meds. Please talk to your doctor before taking this step.

I actually asked to keep on talking Topamax, which is an anti-seisure/mood stabalizer because it was the one meds that did good for me, but I only figured it out when I stopped all meds.

Today was like the day from hell, the voices were unrelenting, I had a long talk with the administrator/owner and she initially threatened to give me 30 day notice to move out if I do not take my meds, and then she said she only said that because she was mad. She said she spoke to the nurse practitioner and if I do not take the zyprexa, he will no longer see me, like that was supposed to scare me. I really do not care. I don’t care about anything anymore. Now it is nighttime and here comes the onslaught of voices non -stop, keeping me awake again.I can’t take the weight gain, going from a size 5 to a size 14, I can’t take the loss of concentration, that I assumed was from the ECT, but reading more tonight , I learned was from the schiz, and even worse, my mom lives an hour away and I have not seen her in over 3 years. She always has an excuse. Bottom line is, she does not want to see me. Because I am mentally ill. I have not seen my daughter in over 7 yrs, god how that hurts. I ask myself over and over, what do I have to live for? Its not that I want to die, I just do not want to live, if that makes sense.

I’m so sorry you are having all this guilt and suffering. Is the Zyprexa not working? I think my mom was on it and it helped her a lot, but I’ve never taken it before. Don’t give up, and if so many people are trying to get you to take your meds, they must feel that it helps you.

I hope you feel better soon and get support during this. My friend has Bipolar and she is also unable to be at home with her daughter all the time. I hope you find a better situation soon.