I sleep about 8 hours at night (and i have healthy sleep regime).
So that means i’m wake 16 hours.
And i manage to do absolutely nothing in that 16 hours. Nothing. I sit in front of my laptop all day long, trying to read at least something. Now i have about 20 tabs opened. And million bookmarked articles and stuff I LIKE and WANT to read. I’ve tried courses online i like dearly, I’ve tried going back to school, I’ve tried fitness, I’ve tried…
I simply can’t decide to start activity, I’m paralyzed, I can’t organize my day! I feel some kind of blockade toward starting an activity. I have zero drive and zero motivation. Nothing excites me.
And then there are cognitives. My memory is so poor, now I’m wondering are memories been created at all. That makes reading futile. Not to mention that I forgot my past almost completely, my life is gone. I run through life headless. Memory isn’t my only problem…
I have some socialization now, for which I’m grateful because I’ve been alone for a decade. But there are problems too. I can’t think of a story to tell, can’t follow when others are having fun. Not poor rapport, but horrible one.
I was recommended some tricks by psychologist to get something going in my life. Those tricks don’t work for me. I’ve managed to do hygiene at least, but sometimes i slip there too. Tianeptine helps a bit, I can now finish activities when i start them. Mostly.
Which is great, because i had anhedonia so strong i couldn’t get back home once when i tried walking in the forest. I couldn’t force myself to make steps forward, nor i could sit down, nor scream even, like i lost ability to act. I stopped and couldn’t figure out what to do. Then i made step after step, like a robot, and it was literally painful for me.
I still do things like a robot (hygiene and stuff others ask me to do), but at least it’s not painful anymore.
Does anybody recognizes him/herself in this? Is this negatives and cognitives?
I’m starting to think i have disorganized sz, not paranoid.
My pdoc have no time for me. I keep telling her I’m stable, but nonfunctional. And she tells me openly she can’t help. She’s just being honest, i know.
I’m trying and i will keep trying. But how? What to do next? I have some meds and noots in mind, but I’ll have to wait for that (money, blah).