so, ive been gone for a long time now. i felt like i couldnt post because i was trying to make a difference in people’s lives thru political activism, which as i found out, is not just good intentions and kind people. It’s power hungry people, opportunists, enablers, bullies, constant conflict and in-fighting, and sometimes even abuse. Also, i know the no-politics rule and left forum for a while.
I eventually burned out due to mistreatment and retreated into a reclusive lifestyle, but during the pandemic i returned briefly with an org i had quit to try to make amends with people i had gotten to know and trust, then distrust over the course of several years. it went badly. a person who i was close to for a year before an ugly fall out was exposed this month as being a perv and emotionally abusive. the fall out is ongoing. we had been close, then did not speak for a year, then had made apologies a bit, though we were never close again. i had trusted him for a while though, and still hearing his behavior was a shock to me. i had sensed a dark streak as I have one too, but nothing like that, and i def didnt see him saying/behaving the way he did to his romantic partners.
I have learned that while i want to get things done and help people, not all people claiming they want to help people are trustworthy. in fact, i have learned that a lot of normies are not trustworthy. it was a painful realization and also made me see that i am still not a normie, no matter how many people i fool into not seeing the skitzy aspects of my thought process. i have trust issues with normies now. normies often have not acknowledged their own darkness, flaws, and errors and go about acting like they’re role models. Most of us skitzes are all too aware of our flaws and our internal issues. We’re not better than, im just saying i have noticed many normies are diff in their self-perception than skitzes. like, they have their own set of illusions about how their actions impact people,just like we have our delusions and social deficits.
i am in a lot of stress and have started taking the hydroxyzine pam i rarely take for anxiety. i sleep all day. i clean a bit then go back to sleep. i feel like i entered some horrible normie gauntlet and came out in pieces. 
