I have the urge to cut

I feel so numb and dead. I don’t know why I’m getting symptoms again. Since June my depression finally lifted after months. And my voices were very infrequent.

Now since end of September the depression feelings returned and lately been hearing Alien and Sarah a lot. They would argue about me. And Alien still threatens me and laughs in my head. Like yesterday.

Today been on and off low. Everything is so pointless. I actually managed to paint but it didn’t take my low feelings away for long.

Now at night I feel like going into my dark studio downstairs and taking the knife I keep there to defend myself in case and cutting just to feel real.

God I’m terrified that I’m a fake. I feel like I’m really a hypocrite like Alien says. Am I really real? Or not?

I don’t know. If it weren’t for my husband I would come off my meds. Just I’m terrified that if I do and I’m ok then I’ve been a liar all along. Maybe I’m scared if I would be well that it would mean I’m not me anymore.

WTF?

Are you taking the full dose of your meds again ? (I remember you saying you lowered your dose previously).

If so maybe they take time to work again.

But don’t harm yourself whatever you do.

I’m taking maintenance dose of amisulpride and olanzapine and full dose of lamotrigine.

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What helped you before when these feelings come up? How did you stop yourself from cutting previously? Maybe it will work again.

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