I have PTSD of mental hospitals

Today I just realized I have PTSD of and from mental hospitals. I usually start having intrusive and negative thoughts of my previous hospitalizations, I stop talking, close myself in and make my mom feel guilty because she hospitalized me. I start blaming her and make her cry, I become very irritable and then cry at the end. I ruin the day for myself and her.
I had very bad experience at the mental hospitals as they completely take my freedom, put me in rigid regime, test new medication with severe side effects on me, terrible food, very limited smoking breaks, total negligence of hospital staff even to shouting at me. I feel piece of crap and worthless at mental hospitals. Also other ill people make me feel weird. Also hospital reminds me of how I got sexual dysfunction. Spending a month, counting minutes, hours and days, not knowing when I’ll be released. The sad truth I have to get hospitalized to extend my disability.
I can’t stop these intrusive thoughts, I keep blaming my mom and hurting her.

So many relatives say about a hospitalized family member, “At least they are safe there.”

I don’t think so.

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I don’t blame her first two times when I was full blown psychotic, she literally threw me into hospital two times for depression, I had couple panic attacks there, made my depression worse, I couldn’t urinate due to some medication and my genitals shrank. There were no activities besides lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

I didn’t like hospitalization either.

After I had been to both the nice private hospital and the State Hospital, one could bargain with me if I thought I could get from the State Hospital to the private hospital.

In Lithuania we don’t have private hospitals only states, I also hated wooden plan beds in a hospital with visible piss marks on douvets and on matressess and saliva marks on pillows.

Hospitals still use pillows and pyjamas from 80’s this is an actual photo

I’m sure you had an awful time there!

One of the motivating factors in me taking care of myself was to stay out of hospitals.

In the last 40 years. I have only been over night one time in any institution, and that was for burns suffered in a fire.

Before 1978, I was in a lot of institutions.

A fire in an apartment building near one of the State Mental Hospitals showed that one third floor resident made an escape rope by tying sheets together.

The fire escapee was a State Employee, and the sheets, as photographed in the Newspaper, all said loudly on them, “Property of Norwich State Mental Hospital”.

But we all know the aides are poorly compensated for their work, and psychiatrists have less status and less pay than surgeons. Typically, guards in prisons are paid more and have higher status than aides in mental hospitals.

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