I have guilt. I'm the reason my son doesn't have a sibling

When my son was about three,

His daddies were considering having another baby.

Our attorney during the adoption said I shouldn’t be the surrogate because I was unstable.

So they looked into other surrogates.

At the time, I was unwell and dealing with a lot of unresolved feelings about the adoption.

I lost it.

The thought of them having a relationship with someone else like the did with me made me so jealous and upset.

I wrote them a letter.

And I called the attorney.

Told her to stay the ■■■■ out of it and that she had no right to call me unstable.

Very stable person thing to do, I know.

After they got the letter, they thanked me for it and NEVER mentioned a sibling ever again.

I was happy at the time,

But I now realize how messed up that was.

I totally ruined the whole situation for everyone because of jealous feelings and wanting to be the surrogate.

I don’t really think about it a lot.

And we’ve never discussed it,

But it’s true.


Speaking as an adoptive parent, I don’t think what you did was the dealbreaker for them. I would have appreciated such a letter, and it would have been a factor, but not the only one.

Children are not difficult to acquire, especially for people like your son’s adoptive parents. They seem very conscientious of the reality of adopting a kid. If they wanted to adopt another kid, they would be able to even if they didn’t use a surrogate. Surrogacy can be ridiculously expensive and when Mr. star and I looked into it, we decided it was stupid to drop 100k on a child when there are already kids around who need parents and could use 100k in a college fund.


I hope you’re right.

That I’m not the only reason.

Surrogacy is crazy expensive,

But they were already interviewing women when I stepped in.

So they were in the process.

Why would you have appreciated the letter?

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You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a very emotional thing to go through.


Because adopting a child means prioritizing their needs above all else. It means understanding that they have other parents. The adoption prep classes talk extensively about how preserving a relationship with the birth parents greatly reduces the risks of mental illness and increases the ability for the child to form secure attachments. I don’t know what exactly you wrote, but I would have appreciated if Starlet’s mom told me in advance “this decision you are considering makes me deeply uncomfortable and could hinder my emotional stability in a way that could result in a damaged relationship between me and my son.”

She and I have actually had several conversations about different things that were still along that line. If it would be healing for you and has the potential to strengthen your relationship to the three of them, you could always write an apology letter for any harsh things you said. But if you still feel the same way about surrogacy, don’t lie about it because you feel guilty. We all make sacrifices in life. If they sacrificed the possibility of a biological child in favor of giving their actual, already existing child a more stable life, that is a good aprent thing to do.



I didn’t say anything terrible in the letter.

Not anything I regret really.

I just feel bad.

It was selfish, but it is/was the way I feel.

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When we first realized I wouldn’t be able to carry a kid, Mr. Star wanted to donate to a sperm bank. At the time it was deeply hurtful and I told him I would be devastated to know he could go out and reproduce but I couldn’t. He chose to refrain. A few friends thought I was being selfish. But I couldn’t handle the double loss at the time. I also had fears that if he ever met his bio kid, he would like them more than any hypothetical adopted kid we had.

Now, I do not care. I see how devoted he is to Starlet and I told him he can absolutely donate if he wants. I feel secure because I see that my fears were unfounded. But his mind changed. He is so happy and proud of all the progress Starlet has made, and he can directly see the impact his presence has on shaping Starlet’s personality. Maybe one day he will still want to donate, but that is for the future.


Is starlet your daughter?

  1. It´s not your fault
  2. Not having siblings can be even an advantage (inheritance rights for example. A lot of “brothers and sisters” stab you in the back for this very reason)
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You are allowed to have feelings and express them. Other people can consider them to whatever degree they see fit. If they took your feelings into consideration it means they care for you. That’s a blessing. Your son has many important relationships. He may not have a sibling, but many people don’t and they are just fine. Please don’t feel bad for being human and then being cared for and considered.

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