If you are not bothered by a brooding, depressed person, then go ahead and read on. If you don’t want to hear a grown person whine, go ahead and hit the back button on your browser.
I have tried to go off my antipsychotic, again. And it is not pretty. I’m a wreck. I’m depressed. I am letting myself and others down. My health is failing from these meds. They’ve jacked up my heart, my metabolism, my weight, and my good-looks. I see myself as having a moon face, even though my wife assures me I do not. She thinks I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or whatever the damned thing is called. I am thoroughly disgusted with my appearance.
I don’t want to take any more Haldol. I quit my Ativan and my antidepressant. I cut out my Depakote too. I am trying to minimize the impact of these meds on my health. And I can’t get it back.
There is considerable tension in my life. I do not want to live in this $hit town in the middle of what was recently surveyed to be the worst state to live in: Illinois. I am trying to find a job. My wife is trying to find a job. And we are failing! I am actively thinking about taking myself to the ER after my wife goes to sleep. I am running scared. Just go back on your meds, Greg! is what most of you will (correctly) yell in my ear. I’ve been on this ship for 21 years. It’s not going to end any time soon. I am stuck with this. Somebody begin a dialogue with me. I am running out of steam, and I feel lost at sea.
Maybe you need some more time to adjust on a lack of certain medications?
Bad times always pass. One thing that definitely changes over the time is your attitude about them.
There is a good comparison to the feeling of failure.
Boxing game…you know when a boxer falls he is still in the game if he gets up. But if he doesn’t get up the game is over.
I like this analogy. I have never heard it before. I feel like an ant that’s been stepped on but not quite dead - squirming and fighting to get up, but flailing about and making no real progress. Getting thoughts out of my head and verbalizing them is very hard right now. Sometimes I just stare at the screen like an idiot. So much going on in my mind and not much coming out.
I know the feeling.
Give yourself a (quality) time.
Maybe less blue screening and more nature?
(I know that is damn hard )
I think its scientifically approved that too much technology surroundings makes people feel depressed and numb.
I have recently thought about coming off meds but I know its dangerous. I’m sure whatever you decide to do you will think it through. Include your wife, she most likely have an opinion.
I’m sorry to hear of you feeling so out of synch… going off meds quick is a huge shock to the system as you well know and told me as well.
The idea of hospital is scary… but if it expedites a wellness check and helps you not get back on all the meds you were on… but at least find a mid point… to where your feeing better but not ruining your health…
I really hope you find that point.
As far as jobs… is there any way you and your wife could apply for jobs in a different state? Telecommute the interview and get out of Illinois? Look up want ads in papers from other places and get out of there?
I really hope things get better for you soon. It’s a nerve wracking balance between the physical health and the mental health…
there is a big difference between failing and being ill.
you are a survivor…
how much have you been through in your life…tonnes of rubbish.
hold your head up high…put things in perspective, yes…but be bloody proud of yourself.
yes things are difficult for you and your wife, but you will get through it.
you are a strong person…look back over your shoulder and see the path that you have walked.
many would have given up…you did not…good on you
take care
p.s and for humour a hamster hug …and a hi five
I’m feeling the same way man…dead weight.
I agree with you about Illinois, they don’t make things too easy. I’ve been waiting forever to see a damn pdoc. No meds, sober, climbing the damn walls over here.
meds. We’re all in the same boat. Damned if we do, but dead if we dont. I’ve been out for the boxer count so many times I’ve lost count. And it’s only been 6 years.
Try finding the lowest dose of haldol that works for you. Ask your doctor for some benzos.
And yes, put yourself out of your misery and go back on meds.
If you’ve been doing this for 21 years, you can make some good decisions about your future treatment, but need to get back on meds first to be able to think clearly.
Depends on the person. For many, this is true. For many, it is not. Nature and nurture. Genetics, epigenetics and environmental factors including associations retained from Pavolovian (“classical”) and Watsonian (“operant”) conditioning.
I will NOT be one of them, however, though I think you should get back on them in the short term. Sounds to me like it might be time to 1) try another doc, and 2) get into some PT that produces results. I will NOT suggest that results will ever be “perfect.” But I will suggest that they may be “better.”
A) I had to radically accept (for some time, at least) give up on the notion that I could hold a job and deal with the stress of ambiguites and conflicts “like other people (read ‘normies’) do.”
B) I had to EXPERIMENT RELENTLESSLY and find incremental improvements, however “small” each one of them was. because – over TIME – they piled up, and tings really are “better” now.
I would go to the ER and get back on your meds Greg - Please take care of yourself, things will fall into place soon, I am sure of it - see another pdoc if you have to
I would say what you expect with a twist- go back on the meds yet plan on lowering doses dramatically once homeostasis is back. Try less meds for more physical health like I do. I give up lots of sanity points for physical strengths. It’s not a completely bad life- it hurts, but when I put up sh1t buckets of weight or perform in the classroom writing those pimpin pumpkin king papers on my laptop I don’t regret my choices regarding medications.
You can be the old you physically if you want. Lower meds, lots of caffeine, it is possible. I mean I do it, and I’m just a college kid you’re a veteran. You could get back in killer shape. It’s not impossible. In fact, I think it would help your self esteem and self efficacy tremendously. I do my lifting for my ego, and my ego is for not giving up.
When you’re literally strong, it’s so much harder to give up. I look in the mirror and see a beast.
Less meds, not no meds! HELLA CAFFEINE YO try taking your meds after working out every morning or night or something like that.
)
…and a hi five 