I had unwilling sex the other day I feel so disgusting Trigger warning rape

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The ‘ex’ appeared out of the blue in my neighbourhood.

And when I told him to leave me alone cos he pressured me into giving him money. (And called me derogatory things,) He said that’s bs and started getting angry.

It made me really unsettled. Like really.

To the point that I unlocked him on WhatsApp and said to him. Are you OK?

He said we never had proper closure.

So i said OK let’s go for a walk.

So then we went for a walk and he insisted and insisted that we go to his place.

I said no but he would not stop insisting.

He said look i will just show you something from my house outside.

So i said OK.

But then he insisted on sex inside the house.

I feared how he won’t leave me alone in life until I give him his ‘closure’ so I went in his house. I said with clothes on he said OK.

But then he started taking my clothes off. :’((

So we had horrible sex.

Then after he asked me if I enjoyed it eventhough I had warned him I’m asexual. He was like can’t you help me out. Do you not care about me.!!!

I told him it was painful at times and sometimes nice idk why on earth I lied :(((

What is his problem. I’ve told him by email to leave me alone before all this. With an explanation. My mum has warned him with the police.

Still he comes to me and our house. Again. His excuse is we didn’t have proper closure. Ie something that includes sex.

I feel SO DISGUSTING.

AND LIKE I BETRAYED MY TRUE SELF.

BUT I FELT IT WAS THE only way he’d finally leave me alone for good :’(

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Oh no! I’m really sorry :confused: that’s horrible, I’m really sorry that happened to you

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I’ve told him now that we must completely ignore each other cos of my anxiety.

He didn’t respond but read it and so I blocked him and changed my number.

And all this in the middle of a pandemic.

I told him what about my parents safety?

And he told me I’m worried too much.

I forgot that it’s not even allowed to go into other people’s homes.

But I was so afraid of him never leaving me alone and I didn’t want to involve police cos how it would affect me mentally.

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I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about him but it is too much pressure in my head not to bring it up. I need to vent.

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Forum is a good place to vent. I hope he leaves you alone from now on. What he did is reprehensible :disappointed_relieved:

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BTW he is nice guy but he doesn’t respect boundaries with me and has said derogatory stuff in the past. I think he will respect my boundary now though.

I have to forgive myself for not being assertive and lying about the sex being not horrible.

And the other reason he knocked at our house is because he said that he was now able to pay back the money he owed me.

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That’s rape. You could have gone to the police over that. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I know how you feel. It’s not your fault. But for your safety, do everything possible to stay away from him

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Thanks I think he will, Smokes.

Or else I will ignore him completely.

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I’m not sure if it is rape because I did eventually consent and I did not bother putting up a fight when he started taking off my clothes. Though when he tried to take my knickers off I told him no and he insisted again and again. Until I let him. I’m so disappointed in myself at my lack of assertiveness. It has to do with how unsettled i would feel if I didn’t let him get what he wanted. I was worried he would get angry at me because he has done that in the past when I didn’t give him what he wanted.

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar things I really feel for you. I’m just disgusted at myself. At least he pulled out like I asked him to though. Or maybe that was me who moved out… Not sure now.

I told him sex traumatizes me. And he still continued to pester me!!! He is such an ASS

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I understand that you’re disappointed in yourself, but It’s not your fault, you said no and he kept pressuring you.

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he doesn’t respect boundaries says enough. plz do not trust this person. block them. i am sorry that happened to you, he sounds dangerous and abusive.

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I do feel like it is both me and his problem Tbh, and it kind of feels good for me to see that it was my problem too not to just say no and walk away, run away even! because I feel less like an effing victim then. But, thanks so much for validating how he has an issue too…

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oooorrr it’s stockholm syndrome. i mean, people who are abused go into shellshock basically. they are brainwashed and need a support system to get out.

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I’m really sorry for you @anon83141956.

Maybe you should warn him and tell him you’ll call the police next time.
Maybe you should tell him something that can really put him at a distance.

Besides, I also find that it looks a lot like rape.

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I did not always react well to when he called me derogatory things but not to the extreme that he went to. But anyways I understand now like you say to stay away… Thanks.

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I defo don’t enjoy it…

It is because my mind becomes very unsettled when he gets angry with me that I gave him what he wanted.

He’s smashed someone’s head with a wine bottle in the past. That guy had to go to hospital.

He once said to me I hope the universe doesn’t make me kill someone…!!!

So that’s the kind of reasons why I felt paranoid if I didn’t give him what he wanted. In the past.

But I want to have more faith in him now that he is not a dangerous type anymore.

And so if he approaches me again I will stick to my word and avoid him.

Yes I think the abilify made me more paranoid. But I’m working on trying to overcome that.

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I’m sorry that you have to go through that… sex isn’t healthy when both consent…

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I had a friend who did the same to a guy in a nightclub for a girl. I left him. No friends is better than having bad friends. Your only solution is to call cops on him if you can’t control yourself.

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Thanks @DetunedGuitar and @Abise…

I’m just so glad that I think he will stay away now.

Thankyou so much guys.

I really just needed to open up.

I don’t have a therapist anymore

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well I’d say you learned from your mistakes…and I think it definitely was a mistake to go in his house. well lucky him…he got what he wanted…

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