I had real remorse for the first time in my life... Maybe I turned a psychopathic, does this happen in sz?

OK, so I am working on my mind and body now… My soul was in pain for decades, it was feeling withdrawan too :pensive: even one guy asked me at my worst if I have a soul, this comment hurted…
But anyway. My pdoc said, that there are stages in sz, didn’t know that before… Once, one other doc said, that I can be a bpd too in fact…
But the reality is probably, that I went in deeper stages of sz and even psychopathology yeap…
I started to feel sick and unhappy till death since kid, no one noticed because of my abusive father :pensive:.
But maybe, he caused my illness, idk… my mom keeps saying it’s genetic…
But after my suicidal ideation for years since a very early age, who also prevented me to develop a stable and normal thinking (cause I was having no other thoughts), I started to turn distanced, cold, oppressed and having bad thoughts, jealousy too :sweat:
I was sick since I remember myself, my family also knows me only like that…
But I had through the years this friend, who 8s sick too, of which I was obsessing… she had a very nice parents, happy childhood, she was having friends, going outside, talkative etc… but at my worst, I was wishing that she suffers as me tbh… that’s bad. That’s what my dad did from me or idk… that’s what the terror causes, not nice, happy people… am sad till hell now…
And for the first time today, for a second, my mind felt better for a few and I experienced this remorse :unamused: now I lost this feeling again, but my story is probably shocking and the sz was like a joke for me before… now, I turned dumb again, but maybe I am recovering if I start to feel these human emotions… :disappointed_relieved:
But it’s tough still… I paid my sins with my isolation probably… but this moment of light, showed me what it’s to be a good person…a healthier one too…
And me, I just turned not better than my dad…
I always wanted to correct this, but my thoughts were bad for a time, folks…
Yeah, maybe the generations changed, maybe we are the better generation. It was clearly a severe abuse in my family… it was my sister who was beaten , not me, but she left me alone after my diagnosis… maybe even she, sees my dad in me still :cold_sweat:
This friend of mine, who is ill and about which I was jealous, told me once, that she would have killed herself in my place… maybe this is her illness I guess, she too wanted smth better in her life, not the torments…
But my sister even didn’t hug me in her life, we weren’t even talking between us at home… I am having talking deficits also, while I needed to talk…
Anyway. As I said, I turned numb now again, but in my case, it will take a lot to recover…
I hope that I won’t try to kill myself on this path now, sorry for saying this…
Yeah, even my physical symptoms come from my sick mind, I know it now…
I hope I’ll get over the guilt and the shame… But idk how I’ll overcome a sz, who lasts since a kid or how I’ll accept it? Or maybe to be like that since kid is a severe borderline? There’s no sz in kids I think…
Anyway, am sad now yeap… it was a very crazy journey, pals, my life till now… Very painful too, lonely etc…
I hope I still have chances of a recovery though :roll_eyes::relaxed: I am taking still my zyprexa and the klonopin and one doc has told me, that in my case, maybe it’ll take me years to recover, while being on this ap…
I guess I just shocked many of you here and irl with my story, even the docs were shocked how cold I was etc… I wasn’t even able to touch lovingly anyone, pals, cause my arms were shaking and like paralyzed… all crippled yeah…
OK, take care you all, maybe one day, I’ll tell my whole story to the ones who want to hear it… gosh, the normies were probably seeing in me an e.t. and even something worse :disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved:
Hugs

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Most SZs seem capable of remorse. If you aren’t you may have additional issues.

I think there is real hope for you because remorse (a reasonable amount of it) is a sensitivity you’ve discovered and it will enable you to guide your behavior in the future.

Yeah, I think, that the bpds are less capable of remorses in fact… In fact, my feelings were oppressed for years, withdrawan… I was able to feel only painful and negative feelings…
One doc was swearing that I am a bpd and not sz, but idk… Do the bpds have severe paranoia too? Or maybe it’s just my shame what I feel and the lack of confidence…
But if I am a bpd, I would fight for these one day… No one can’t imagine what horror I’ve saw and been through and it was pure hell all my life! I was so severe without the zyprexa, that I would pee on myself cause I couldn’t get up to the toilet… and what was in my head, was only hell… my ex doc was shocked, she said, that I live in hell, not on earth… I won’t even talk how much I had nothing in life because of that… I spent these 40 years at home, that’s all…
Sorry if I still sound sick and angry though. Hugs

Oh yeap, it was real for a first time in my life… But now, it faded away, I just have the shame and am dumb and tired…
I suffered a lot tbh, that I didn’t have a true sensibility for years , idk…
But it’s not my fault either. I have pain in my chest and stomach and soul, it’s very physical too…
Whatever. I’ll try to pardon myself I guess…

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Never mind whose fault, just concentrate on healing yourself with love.

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Yeap, OK, thank you :slightly_smiling_face:
Yeah, my sins… Ill realize one day, that I am the real daughter of this real dad, who did atrocities too :pensive: but never mind.
I just saw a TV show about one twin who has sz and how hardly his other, healthy brother fights because of that…

How the ■■■■ would you know you dickhead

Good evening, sweetheart. Love your dress.

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Wore it especially for you

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Most thoughtful.

:heart_eyes:

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200w

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