I guess Im giving up on normal

I can’t function on even the smallest dose of this anti-depressant. As much as I would like to be able to handle this, I cannot. I’m crashing now from the day, trying to sleep again and I think it will come. So maybe I should accept that I can’t feel emotions through medication. That this kind of illness won’t work with anti-depressants. I need to strengthen my willpower not to self-medicate through stimulant like cocaine. I think Prozac might be a type of stimulant, or something but at a certain point even though I felt like when I was a teenager again, maybe I just have to accept that the new me will never be able to be the old me. I’m just a different person now than I was, I can’t go back to that old me. The suicidal feelings have gone, subsided, and the Abilify is bringing me back.

I’ve decided not to go to rehab either. I don’t feel comfortable right now with being outside and around people in this vulnerable situation. I’m pressuring myself too much to be someone I’m not. I need to go with the flow, I don’t need to prove to anyone I’m trying not to be a failure. I need to stop letting people’s frustration get ahead of where I’m at and need to be. I have to be grateful I’m still alive and breathing, and I am grateful I just wish there was more light at the end of the tunnel and that this will pass and I can feel human emotions again. I know I would be welcome at the place, and I may end up still going because I have contemplations of numbing myself with crack cocaine again but this stuff is hurting my heart and really messing me up. Ughhh.

Its when someone asks me if I want the drug, I first say no, then Im full of anxiety like I break into a sweat thinking that the next time I pick up will be the last and that it will end the agony or anxiety and I’ll be happy in my little universe. A really unhealthy habit especially when you are alone and this pandemic is so stressful.

I’m tempted to throw the bottle of prozac away so Im not tempted in the morning to keep trying and feel like a teenager again. The headaches should have been a sign it was messing me up already. I mean I must be allergic or just super sensitive.

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I wouldn’t throw it out. I often make speedy decisions like that and I regret it later. Just keep them around incase

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@anon71432064 I really hope you don’t go back to cocaine. I have seen what it does to people, and it is not pretty. Also dangerous, as you well know

Sometimes when I’m feeling like that, I just have to crawl in bed for the day. Quite often I get so run-down, I can’t think straight. It’s amazing what a day of rest can do

Hoping you make it through this tough patch, just keep going

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Do not go back to crack. That’s the worst stuff possible. Except maybe cigarettes. I will pray for you, dear.

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Sounds like a very cathartic post.
I got addicted to crack in 1986. Did a lot of drinking and blow too. I got addicted pretty quickly and then crack became the biggest focus in my life. Spent almost all my money on it. Got ripped off and cheated fairly frequently. The city I mostly got my crack from was a rough and tough place. Where you never knew who was going to pull stuff like being car jacked or kidnapped.

Sold almost everything I owned for a pittance of crack.

I smoked it for four years and my lifestyle was just shitty those four years because of the crack.

But I got clean in 1990 through AA, CA and NA. Best thing I ever did in my life for myself. I got clean and sober than got a job, went to school and eventually lived independently and got a car. Getting clean totally changed my life. I’m only telling you this because I was kind of in your shoes. It sounds like you want to improve yourself but I bet crack is derailing your efforts. Your self sabotaging yourself with drugs .

Not many people on coke and crack make successful lives and schizophrenia makes it a hundred times worse. Getting clean might solve problems for you to live a happy and healthy life.

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I’m a lot happier now that I’m clean and sober. I still have my shity days, for the most part I can cope a lot better now.

To hell with normal, there’s no such thing. People Like Us who have walked through hell, have much more interesting stories lol

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Coke and crack are gutter drugs honestly don’t do any drugs !

Drugs and alcohol in general are some gutter low life stuff. Honestly my dad drinks everyday and it destroyed him. I drink and smoke 3 packs a day I can’t quit either I drink one or two days a week but I wish I never started. Those are legal too and coke is pure trash and I used to do coke but good thing I stopped. .

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Walk around downtown San Francisco or Oakland and see what drugs do to people honestly

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I’m going to rehab tomorrow. I think it will help me I need to learn better defenses against all drugs because I have had addiction/self-medication issues for years. I have been clean from opiates for over a year, but I replaced one drug for another than abusing the crack and making my depression get worse. When I smoked weed it also triggered my relapse, not sure why it just doesn’t help me.

I’m starting new. It will be good for me to get around a community of peer-support and recovery. I am trying not to be nervous about it but I know this is a change I need. I also need to accept that I have to take medication. Being in a sort of routine will help me too probably.

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Well, looking at your history of drug use, any street drugs are bad.

I don’t know if you’re addicted or not but cross addiction is common with addicts. Meaning getting off one drug, and then switching to other drugs.

With marijuana, it seems to be a minority of schizophrenics who can smoke it without any bad effects. You seem not to be able to handle it. You don’t want to waste a lot of time and risk a relapse by still smoking it if you know the bad effects on you.

If it is not working and has a bad effect on your mental health it is pretty doubtful that it is going to change. It will probably cause the same reaction every time you smoke it.

I was in the same boat and so were many other people on here. Before I got sick I smoked a lot of pot, every day in fact. And it was fun.

But after I became schizophrenic it was never fun anymore. Made me psychotic but I kept smoking it thinking the next time will better. But it never got better. I’ve been clean and sober since 1990 and I don’t miss drinking and doing drugs at all anyways.

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I thought I could fix whatever was wrong with me, starting with pot. For me it was sort of a gateway drug…because I had unresolved issues. I’m nervous about going into this program, but I think it will be right for me. I don’t want them to think I’m too much to handle, but I’m really not. I exaggerate a lot online. Sometimes my sarcasm can be read the wrong way too. Idk, but things are starting to get better. So far this is what I know:

Triggers: Ultra-religious youtube videos about God and Jesus saves, Conspiracy theories about the ultimate scariest possible things, drinking over 6 cups of coffee and not sleeping at all, entertaining dark thoughts or anything negative/toxic to my mindset, forgetting to take my medications, etc. horror movies, being too magically absorbed, being too fantastical in my head (can make me become out there or out of touch)

Pretty sure I have Bipolar2 and not schizoaffective, but I guess I could potentially get worse. They wrote it as schizophrenia even though I dont have a ton of issues. I’m rational etc. I would like to learn to let go a bit, not be too heavy in trying to be normal all the time and I’m looking forward to getting around some other people and not being completely isolated in my house 24/7 which isn’t good for a recovery lifestyle or a recovering addict.

Pride gets in the way for me too. I dont like to admit things sometimes. So there’s that and that’s all I’m gonna say for now. Wont be back for awhile.

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Well, good luck in your rehab/program. Quitting drugs and alcohol for good is not impossible.

If you’re worried about fitting in, well, the other addicts are in there for a reason and probably don’t have a great background or history either. But you all have a common goal.

In AA they always used to say in meetings, “Stick with the winners”. I’ve never been in rehab myself but I’ve met many people who have. Sometimes you have people in programs who aren’t seriously trying to quit. They may be in there because they are court ordered or they are trying to get their family off their back and aren’t serious about quitting. Avoid those types and hang with the people who are seriously trying to quit and change their lives.

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When I was tormented by voices and delusional, I was living in the street(homeless) in downtown San Francisco and in tenderloin area too. I’ve woken up behind a dumpster with no recollection of getting there… honestly I think I died and some one hid me there. I wasn’t on drugs though.

But crack is everywhere there… I smoked it once but I don’t like it. I just felt like my thoughts were blocked and couldn’t think…

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