Schizophrenia.com

I got jumped today

This morning I was ok. I was looking at room rentals in SF for my son and sending him links (long before he was awake) Then I realized that it’s the 2nd and I needed to pay bills. I do all online so I started to log in to accounts to pay. As my bank account got smaller (stressful), one bill account would not log me in. I tried about five times in a row and got so frustrated that I almost threw my phone. The sixth time worked, but it was too late, the voices chimed in and I was gone. “You’re almost out of money. What are you going to do? What if ******(my son) needs help? You’ve never been able to help him. You’re a useless failure. You can’t even take care of yourself. You can’t get a decent paying job because you’re not capable. You’ve never accomplished anything. Your life insurance would benefit him more than you being here.” And visuals of hurting myself was all I could see. "You’re pathetic! You’re a burden on everyone! *****(my husband) regrets marrying you. He’s miserable. You’re no good to anyone"
The good part is that I put my shoes on and went for a walk. My husband tagged along hurriedly. After verbally attacking him, I was able to tell him what was going on. After walking a few miles my mind was buzzing but no attacks.

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when I read the title I thought you meant mugged!

yeah I too have been having moments like these lately, all you can do is try to move on as soon as they are over…

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Oh man I’m sorry you went through that. I hate when voices do that. They are all liars. It is good that you went on a walk though. I do that sometimes and have people tag behind me just in case. I hope things are better now.

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I consider myself extremely lucky for not hearing voices. Glad it ended ok.

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I am not a writer and so can’t convey the intensity and emotion involved. I posted my experience because I have lived with lesser and greater versions of that for the majority of my 49 years, and have survived. The attacks are less common than in previous years, and maybe that’s why it feels like getting “jumped”. My mistake was in allowing myself to get stressed and frustrated. That’s like opening a door to demons. My mind churns daily, and there’s always noise, but I’m not attacked everyday anymore. Managing my experience/stress level is so important.

I know that “jumped” feeling very well. It’s so difficult for me to not give up and not lose my composure. But, aside from that frustration is the idea that I’m never good enough and I’m constantly competing with myself to do better and better. So I’m always stressed anyway and that makes disappointments happen more. I gotta stop complaining about myself. Kudos to you for taking a walk.

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I’m sorry you feel that way, @chordy. I don’t always go for a walk, but more often I do and it does help. If I don’t, I’m going to hurt myself and/or break something. What do you do to cope?

I change the subject, or do my best to. Also, I talk to someone in the house. I’m actually not that good at being alone even though I choose isolation a lot. We live on a highway, so going for a walk is not a good option. Sometimes I don’t talk about it, like feeling it will come out like a babbling baby. Sipping on coffee. I don’t smoke anymore, thank goodness for that. Touching hand to mouth can soothe.

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I tried to explain to my husband (poor guy) what I was experiencing, but it’s hard to explain and it’s apparently even harder to understand. I don’t have a therapist right now and I need to find one. Glad you gave up smoking! That must’ve been hard! Glad also you have people with you. I’m trying to talk about it more with my husband, even though it’s difficult, and I hope you’ll talk more too. I have a ton of anxiety when out anywhere and especially out walking. But when I’m “running away” from voices I don’t think about people looking at me.:blush: Can someone take you to a nice place to walk?

I could drive to town and walk around the blocks on the sidewalks there. I’ve thought of it but driving upsets me 'til I don’t want to walk. Crazy, huh.

“Crazy” :blush: No, ofcourse not! I have such intense anxiety and I understand that. Maybe once a month to start? :heart:

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I don’t want to. I need to make a commitment. I do go to a gym but that is not the same.

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I need to go to the gym. I admire you for doing that! We each need to do what we can and only what we can. I hate being challenged by other people, so I apologize if I came across that way. :heart:

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I think you are a good writer; everything you write conveys much

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I understand that exact feeling you’re talking about… And walking helps me too… So do showers (I think it’s something about the sound)… They’re not like a magical cure-all but they definitely calm me down enough and keep me from doing anything rash.

Ahh, we differ on the shower being a comforting distraction. I hate taking a shower, and really don’t like getting wet. Just thought that was funny. :blush: