ITS taken me fifteen years of grappling with this illness to finally figure out at the age of 39 how hosed I got when I developed this illness.
This social worker once told me that yea I got dealt a bad hand. I guess I had no idea how bad. Those words echo in my mind often when I remind myself that Im jobless, loveless, practically lifeless. woah is me
I used to have those reminders, too. but I also remember that I have a brother, mother, and aunt who care about me. I don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t have them. surely, you must know someone who cares about you today?
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But you’re not homeless. 
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When I used to feel like ■■■■ every day and getting drunk and doing drugs was my only way of feeling good, it was hard for me to appreciate what I did have. Although you should at least TRY to acknowledge it could be worse. You could have a mental illness AND be homeless. Or have a mental illness and no one care about you too which is certainly not the case cuz I know I care for you…
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That’s not very comforting although true. I had set the bar a little higher for myself here I thought.
I never heard that saying before being hosed.
It reminds me of what police do to protestors hose them down.
Sometimes you know a breakdown can lead to a breakthrough ask yourself what you want and take some steps to try and find it.
Yea it’s kind of an old expression. Hockey slang maybe. I’ve had about 7 or 8 major psychotic breaks over the course of the last fifteen years. I don’t know how much more I can take. I would like to think there’s something good that could come from this but I haven’t found it yet. Thank you for your kind words.
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