I feel so stupid. C ditched me to sleep. I feel like a complete idiot every Friday night when he is supposed to come get me because I am always waiting for him. I get my bag packed for a couple days, my food, my computer and then I sort of just sit and wait for him. Some nights, like tonight, he doesn’t come. Every once in a while there’s a ‘guy’s night’ and he hangs out with his friends who aren’t polite enough to let him know in advance so he can’t tell me till about 10 when I’ve packed and am waiting for him. Some times he has some other reason like being so tired.
I just feel like a complete moron. It was different in the beginning. He was always ready to come see me but now I feel like I’m always waiting around for him. Like I’m chasing him. I suppose it’s been five years and the chase and chasing should be over but I just feel like if I’m not being chased he’ll lose interest or I just feel stupid like I care so much that I see him but he doesn’t care if he sees me.
It makes me feel like his thoughts when he sees me are ‘eh, ok. Hi.’ instead of anything ethusiastic like 'Hey '.