After my first three week severe manic episode which led to four separate encounters with the police and three hospitalizations, they now want to change my diagnosis. It’s a little hard to think that I’m bipolar without a schizotypal component because like I said I only had one manic episode, and I experienced just psychosis before that. So I think I’m probably going to be just dxed with schizoaffective.
My therapist and psychiatrist went together to talk to our city’s hospital’s lead medical supervisor on bipolar and ECT to talk about my ECT and about my diagnosis. I feel like such an idiot, I really saw it coming, I remember the beginning of freshman year of high school; I noticed I went from extroverted to a recluse very quickly and started acting strangely and was beginning to hallucinate. I thought, well my family has a huge history of mental illness, maybe this is something that I should be concerned about, but then I was like naaaaah it’s nothing.
And here we are, seven hospital stays later… I saw it all coming and I did nothing. It’s my fault that I got this illness.
don’t think like that. I had a lot of crazy days too before my major psychosis. I never thought something could come out of it. It just hits you and then you learn to make peace with it. Just take your meds and have a peaceful life and work on your dreams. we all have stupid days, months, phases. We grow and move on.
I saw it coming too, not that it’s probably even a disease technically (Sza) I probably just eventually lost my mind with all the eventual flashbacks and mind deluges after the too much I never remembered having been through.
But I did say something. I was withdrawing from the world and expected to lose my mind at any second. Like I’d see a weird shadow pattern in the trees and tell my psychiatrist. There was a reggae band that practiced in a house back in the woods and I swore I was hallucinating this. Then one day I heard a horse come gallopping down our road where there was no horse (okay finally, I’m losing it) I ask my brother if he heard a horse and he says no looking at me all weird.
Finally I’m insane. But no, I mean at the same time there’s this white van half the time parked across the street with one of those magnetic signs that says “florist” with a picture of some flowers. Thing is, who’s getting THAT many flower deliveries and everytime it’s there I pick up a wifi signal that goes away when it drives off.
I tell my psychiatrist, he says “(my name here) I think this might be someone who knows you”
Finally, wait my psychiatrists insane. Could someone have sent my memory impared ass this memo circa 1997? I’d be good. But now, yes, I’m insane…like the, you know, the kind of people who see something and end up getting committed insnae because they said something about the wrong rich dude? Yeah I’m that x10 except I’ve always at least to my knowledge dodged being committed to state psych hospital.
I know I SOUND insnae, I just can’t believe way back when I actually wanted to be.